Need the point of view of stepmums!!

[fizzymum]

My exh and I have 2 DC's together. I am remarried and so is exH. Ex is married to the OW so understandably I've never been particularly fond of her but we get on to some degree for the sake of the kids plus it's not in my nature to be nasty or horrible to anyone. I don't see as it matters anymore as we have all moved on with our lives.

The only person with a problem however seems to be ex's wife. It's hard to describe. I don't have a problem with her as such, as long as she is kind to my DC's and they like her is all that matters to me but she seems to be hell bent on going out of her way to be awkward(or should I say to make things awkward between me and ex) and to prove that she makes a much better mother than I do.

At the moment she's got a thing about how often the kids are having a bath when at home with me. The kids have mentioned a few times that Stepmum has asked them when they go to there for the weekend 'when did you last have a bath?' and has told my 5 yr old ds that he can run himself a bath whenever he likes when at home with me. WTF?? I find this comment really irresponsible as ds could scold himself if he went and run himself a bath on his own.

Ds started school in January and I bought a pen for writing his name on the labels of his uniform. A couple of weeks later she had ironed over the top of what I had written with proper iron on labels.

Ds has a school reading diary where we have to write what he's read, to whom and for how long. If I do 10 minutes of reading with him, she does 15, if I do 15 she does 20!!! And it goes on and on....

Ex and I get on fine when she's not around but when she is, he will barely speak to me. Don't get me wrong I don't particularly want to talk to him but I would rather that there wasn't such a strained atmosphere, especially in front of DC's. She can also be really rude to me(obviously when ex isn't around to witness it) and it makes my DH so cross that she thinks she can speak to me that way. DH doesn't particularly like my ex but is always polite to him and respects the fact that he is dc's dad and certainly wouldn't dream of speaking to ex the way that she speaks to me. I never say anything back to her because I don't want to cause a scene in front of DC's and I don't want to bring myself down to her level. It's getting to the stage now where I feel like saying that I don't want her to come to our house anymore to collect DC's but then i'll be seen as being awkward, which is maybe what she wants.??

Can anyone help!!?? Is this the way it is between all 1st and 2nd wives or is it just us?? How the hell do I resolve this??

I think your exhusband is part of the problem here by being so passive. Why isn't he writing in his kids' books? Why is he letting her tell kids to run their own baths?
I would ask him why he is showing so little interest in his kids and leaving stuff to his wife. He is the one with parental responsibility. I would talk to him about this not her. I have stepkids , their dad does homework with them, music practice etc. I do my son's with him when he's with us.
I think if you're a good stepparent you're more like an auntie or uncle if the kids have 2 involved parents. Muscling in never goes down well.
My husband's exwife antagonised her new husbands ex by being overpushy, trying to get her stepkids school changed, lots of "caring" phonecalls from her to see how they were doing. It all ended in tears.
Her new husband is very passive though.
At least she's doing reading with your kids, just a shame their dad isn't.

Yes I agree she sounds rather insecure.
I don't agree with some of DH's exs parenting choices, but it's her perogative to make them - DSS is her son not mine.
He follows DH's and my rules at our house and his mum's rules at her house.
DSS is 7yo and we would NEVER allow him to run his own bath - as Fizzymum says that is very irresponsible and could lead to a serious injury.
I would never sign any of his school documents and I think you should take this up with your exDH and say to him it is unacceptable - only he should sign them.
I think I agree with the rest of the posters that you have got to be the better person and not rise to it. I also think as well once her new baby comes along she won't have time for the competitive parenting.
As for the whole money thing it does sound to me like she is begrudging every penny that goes to your kids. Not sure what you can do about that. I would double check her calculations very carefully.
With my dss, when we work out our finances, we ringfence the money that goes to dss's mum and work out our budget excluding that. As far as we are concerned that money isn't part of our normal budget and it never occurred to us to reduce it because we have a baby now.

I don't think that exH would dare to stand up to her, it's pretty obvious that she walks all over him and wears the trousers in their relationship!
It makes me quite cross with him though for not putting her in her place. There is no way that myself and DH would be together if he was trying to dictate to me what I should do with regards to my children and their father. It does however p**s him off sometimes that he is paying for and bringing up another man's children when he just seems to dip in and out of their lives at his own convenience. Don't get me wrong my husband doesn't mind it's just the principal of the matter when exh won't even go to some parents evenings or to sports day, yet my dh will take time off work so that he can attend such events.

Can't believe about the ears pierced thing!! That's totally out of order.

I've bought a new PC recently and have let the kids have their own passwords (which I know) to get on to it. They were quite excited by this as it was a novelty for them. Stepmum had to go one better and set them up with their own email addresses!! WTF?

Just to clear something up my kids have a bath nearly every night of the week. They are not grubby!!!!!

I am not a step parent, but trying to deal with a psuedo step parent. I've not worked out why the hostility exists. Part of what has been said above it true, that they have heard one h*ll of a story about you/us and we are the devil incarnate. But there is also the competitiveness (some called it insecurity above) to prove how better they are at being a parent than the devil incarnate parent. Though in your case the levels seem very very petty.

I've just taking DS swimming (again after relentless pressure from family over the year, so I started doing it). Because I did and for the first time the other side found out, Xs DP called my actions pathetic, since they had "planned" to. They do a lot of planning (but mostly don't follow through...almost like we reserve this and you can't do it), and if I don't do something I am a terrible parent, and if I do I am something else.

I dread school starting, I think the step parent in this case will be attempting to sign off things and more.

Sorry side tracking, but if anyone ever explains what goes on in these peoples heads I will be eternally grateful.

I know the advice is rise above it, but I'd say its easier to say than do. I know that for sure. Personally I don't think they do it to annoy you directly, just to say I am better than you the bad parent (telling you and their new partner of that). Keep doing what you need to for the kids. Remember quality is more important. (Now tries to take own advice)

Wildfish I can completely sympathise with you. I think the general consensus is that there isn't anything we can do about it except put up with it. I have put up with it for nearly 4 years and just wish that someone could look into a chrystal ball and tell me how many more years I am going to have to go through this.

My crystal ball thinks for ever. I used to joke about school events, graduation, marriage, grandchildren etc and never being able to be really divorced. Except I never thought about an awkward step person on the scene. Now that doesn't look like a joke anymore.

Someone said to me, when these types of people have their own children then their attention will come off yours. So maybe you might be lucky once the new child will be born.

(IF MN is any indication of parents and firstborns is a done deal )

The only sad part is that IF its true then the original kids suddenly find themselves relegated. But its probably better in the long run to lose the stalker.

rofl at stalker. although thats what it feels like at times..... i take it you're still having a time of it then wildfish. i'd carry on regardless. when he's with you do what you want. it doesn't affect them and if they want to take him swimming they can do so in their own time. it's not a competition and he's not a prize. if they say anything point out that you don't interfere in what they do so kindly f**off.

we've cultivated a "what happens in vegas" attitude cos it's sooo much easier than dealing with the x. i wish we could have a relationship like one of my friends and her x. they parent together even though they hate each others guts! i must ask her how she manages to be civil....

fizzymum, I'm not a step mother but wanted to add my two pennies. You sound amazingly patient and tolerant about all this. I would be fuming.

It is probably in her nature to be competitive and controlling. She wants to be top mum, and things like the iron on labels are her way of showing her disapproval of your methods. The bath issue is pretty clear cut, so I would have a calm word with your ex about it just so the message gets back that your children are perfectly clean to your standards. If your ex disagrees with this or any other aspects of your shared parenting then it gives you two a chance to clear the air, for example you could tell him that you would rather just the two of you write in their school books.

I wouldn't hold out too much hope of the situation changing when their baby is born, as these traits are probably quite ingrained and she is likely to become worse with regard to money.

Rosevie believe me I am fuming but I just do not show it as I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that she is getting to me.

I have tried talking to ex about things in the past and whilst we are talking together, I feel as though things are being resolved and the air cleared between us, yet it's not unknown for him to get home, obviously tell her what has been discussed and then will come a phone call or a text completely backtracking on what we've agreed. DH and I laugh about it because it's so predictable, 20 minutes for him to get home, 10 minutes for him to tell her and then beep,beep, my phone goes off!!

As for the money side of things, I fully expect to get less once their baby is born (she'll probably phone CSA from the hospital!!!!). To be truthful, it won't make much difference to the pittance that we already receive. To be honest I wonder whether or not they will tell the CSA as he would have to declare what he earns again and I know that he earns a darn sight more now than when the maintenance amount was last calculated. In fact I get less now that he is in a well paid job than when we first split up and he was in a crap paid job. How does that work??

Wildfish, you've hit the nail on the head - stalker. It does feel like that at times. It feels strange to have someone put all their time and energy into thinking of ways to piss you off!! Wildfish you seem to be at the end of your tether like I am.

In the past when ds was at pre-school she's phoned there to check up that the fee's were the amount that I had told ex and that ds went as many times as I said he did (when ds first started pre-school ex and I used to split the bill 50/50 but his contribution only lasted a couple of months). F**king cheek!! I had offered my ex the bill to look at for himself and he had said not to worry. From then on I made the pre-school send him his own bill.

When we've planned on taking the kids to the cinema to see a particular film and they have been really excited about it and obviously mentioned to their father/her that we're taking them, surprise, surprise they've taken them instead!!

Ex/wife have a horrible habit of getting the kids excited about something for weeks before it's actually mentioned to me, and when I'm told about it at the last minute, I can't say no because they've already hyped the kids up about it and I'll look like the big bad wolf. In fact ex has a way of making himself look good when in fact he's letting them down. At Christmas DD asked him to come to her Christmas play at school, so he gave her a choice, he could come to the play or, he could go late night Christmas shopping to get her and ds lots more Christmas presents!! Which do you think she chose??!!! What a way to get out of going to the Christmas play.

When DH and I got married, mutual friends of ours were asked not to come to our wedding. And the list goes on..............

I know it shouldn't but it does get me down because I just want to get on with my life and with them it's just a constant source of conflict all the time when as far as I can see there is absolutely no need for it!

That's sad about the christmas play.

I can really empathise about the mutual friends etc., We have that with DH's ex - if the kids go back and say 'we went to see XYZ' you can guarantee that within days DH's Ex will have contacted those friends 'to say hi' - Presumably just in case anyone ever forgets even for one second that she exists.

TBH, I'd say that's what's happening here. For whatever reason, your Ex's new wife wants to be right in the centre and feel in control.

It might be that she is just that sort of person and it's actually not about you at all (though I agree, it's hard not to take it personally. It took me quite a few years to realise that Dh's ex was the way she was and it actually had nothing to do with me - it wasn't directed at me.)

FWIW, I don't agree you should be paid less when the new baby arrives, but it's equally unfair to expect more because he earns more. Your needs are calculated at the point the marriage ends, and the monies are index linked for the agreed number of years.

I absolutely agree that your needs do not decrease because he has another child, but if he chooses to work harder or is able to earn more to allow him to have another child, then that should automatically mean the first family gets a raise...

It should work both ways.

My God, and they were the ones having the affair originally?

You sound like a saint, there would have been world war 3 coming from me by now but it's better to adopt a calm, strategic approach if you can but what a waste of everyone's time and energy. Really feel for you, there are some nightmare people out there.

[I know it shouldn't but it does get me down because I just want to get on with my life and with them it's just a constant source of conflict all the time when as far as I can see there is absolutely no need for it!]

That is so true. I don't understand why it happens.

[It might be that she is just that sort of person and it's actually not about you at all (though I agree, it's hard not to take it personally. It took me quite a few years to realise that Dh's ex was the way she was and it actually had nothing to do with me - it wasn't directed at me.)]

I partly agree. Yes I can believe the other person does want to be center stage. But it is so hard to believe it is not personal - since most of it is very directed The actions are designed carefully either to inconvenience or to set a precedent which after 2 times means it always was like that.

Theoretically ignoring them should get rid of it, but I've only found it causes them to escalate until they get a reaction.

jammi, I agree with you. It does seem to be the only thing that makes sense. She can't believe that I may be a nice person, or that I was a good wife to ex and am a good mother to my DC's, she has to be better because what's to say that ex won't leave her for someone else?? I guess in her mind I'm shit at this and that and she is brilliant and so much better than me because it justifys in her mind as to why ex would walk away from his first marriage and two children.

ycbs, to be truthful I really don't care about the money. I know I could have asked the CSA to reassess the maintenance but I haven't because it's not that important to me and I'm not as petty as they are. I'm happy with the way things have been set out.

Most of the time I do just let it all go over my head but sometimes it all rears its ugly head and I get really pissed off about this situation when there is absolutely no need whatsoever for it!

OK, I'm going to play devils advocate here...

Could it be that your ex is just saying 'ok, whatever' to you (when she's not about) and then going home ranting to her that you've made him do something or other?
I mean, he doesn't exactly sound like the trousers in the relationship he's in now, so maybe he's being passive with you and then blaming you for whatever decision has been made....
Sooo... what she is hearing is 'My Ex made me do this' so making her feel like she's got to fight the battle for both of them...

Obviously, that's speculation, but it's one possible reason she's as odd as she is...

just one other thing: how do you know it's her? I mean, surely the DCs do somethings with their dad while they are there? I think I'd be questioning why so much seems to be left to the step mum....

Sorry, Fizzymum - didn't mean to make it sound like you were making an issue about money - you weren't. It's just an issue close to my heart - Dh and I never default on anything (and pay a lot over and above - school trips, mobile phones, pocket money etc) but the minute we dare get anything for ourselves, DH's ex is on the phone whining about something or other.... My issue, not yours!

In August send her a pile of new uniform and ask her to label them all.

Tell your x that the kids would really love to go on a 3 days in the wilderness survival course, and that you're really up for it too. She'll end up eating bugs for a week and sleeping under a plastic bag.

.

She's mad! And terribly insecure. And you sound lovely fizzymum but I can understand why you're "fizzingmum".

My DSS (who now lives with us) used to come to stay with us for long periods of time as he lived with my H's ex in America (6 weeks in the Summer for example). I used to buy him clothes (she would send him with two pairs of trousers, couple of shorts and four T shirts all in rag like condition (stuffed into the bag by him). Perhaps it was point scoring but everything went back clean, pressed and neatly folded (to be honest the clothes he came with weren't always worn but I'd wash and press them before sending them back - how mad is that?) and he'd have a bag full of new clothes - was I point scoring? Perhaps I was but that didn't cross my mind at the time - I was shocked by the fact that she'd allow him to come in (my opinion) dirty rags (he always needed new trainers I don't think she bought him new shoes for years!). What point am I trying to make - each of us has things that bother us and we think are important - to me I would have been ashamed not to have ironed and packed his bag neatly but I'm sure that she would by some of the things that I don't think are important. She may have no idea that she is being a pain in the arse! I'm sure that my H's ex really hates me - I have her son living with me full time (big horrible custody battle when he refused to go back to live with her following a trial period with us) - she has said rather unpleasant things to DSS about his father and me but I wouldn't dream of criticising her (in front of him - was lyrically when she is out of the room though). Just rise above it if you can and certainly don't let her or the kids see that her behaviour is affecting you

I agree with Piglett and would like to add another:

I always made sure I went out of my way to make lovely gifts for DH's ex - hand made mugs, hand prints etc.,

After a while, she told us in no uncertain terms that her presents were to be 'bought in a shop' from now on. I was gutted. I couldn't understand how a mother wouldn't want a present handmade by their child.

It's only years afterwards (and now I'm a mum????) that I can see that maybe she hated the fact her kids were having a good time with me and hated the fact that she had these reminders (nominally for her birthday or mothers day) which had been made with my input....

Again, that might not apply to your situation, but maybe she's just trying really hard???

my ex p new girlfriend really gets in my teeth too. i feel she takes over, and my ex p is like a puppet with her pulling the strings. she seems nice, but find it weird as her name is the same as mine , about the same age, dark hair and also a nursery nurse. i did not mind ex p moving on as we were very young when we where together, although he found it hard to move on at first i did meet someone else and now have dd.
anyway hes with this girl and she seems nice,but all of a sudden ex p seem to be being awakward at time, he is usually laid back and helpful with my and ds but i got a soliciter letters saying he demands to see his son more than once a week. but he has no parental responsibility for him,there was a contract in letter for me to sighn him to him, i tore it up as he does go to his dads once a week but also goes to ex dps parents once a week how much do they want him. he was an arse about his sleep his dinner his dummy, anyway she just thinks he know s better, but iv told him to tell her to have her own kids. he s got a mother he s got a father thank you

ycbc, it certainly could be as you have suggested, in which case that man seriously needs to get some balls to stand up to both me and her!! Though I don't think it is like that. Our discussions only ever take place when the shit really has hit the fan, and we both put our points of view to each other and come up with a solution together. It's not me doing the suggesting or telling him what to do, it's a joint decision as I believe it should be with regards to our children.

Believe me I do know it's her....I know she has a very controlling nature, I know this because she was a supposed friend before the affair!! And I lived with him for nearly 8 years, DD was 5 when he left so I know what his parenting skills were like up until then and I know he never told off dd for wetting the bed like him/her told ds off when he wet the bed at their house and in the words of both my dc's "stepmum was even more angry than daddy". In the end ds was too petrified to go there and one weekend he kicked and screamed, held on to me, tried grabbing at the door frame whilst his father tried to prize him away from me because he didn't want to go. God knows how ex managed to put him in the car. I went inside and cryed my eyes out and two minutes later ex brought ds back saying that he wasn't putting up with this all weekend and took dd on her own. Most normal people surely would be wondering what it was that they could do to make their ds want to come and visit again, no not ex. Him and her spoilt dd all weekend so she came home bragging about all the things she had done with daddy and stepmum and saying 'look at what ds missed out on'(not the sort of thing dd would normally say).

I also know that when ex and I lived together he never made ds eat his left over tea for breakfast the next day because he hadn't finished it all the night before or made dc's sit at the table both crying because they had left peppers on their plate (they don't like peppers) and weren't allowed to get down until they had eaten them so their grandfather (ex's dad) ate them when ex/her weren't looking. Ex's dad told me that himself and told me it broke his heart to see dc's so distressed.

Please don't get me wrong, any help is gratefully received. If she washes the dc's uniform over a weekend I am very grateful as it saves me a job!!

[Our discussions only ever take place when the shit really has hit the fan, and we both put our points of view to each other and come up with a solution together. It's not me doing the suggesting or telling him what to do, it's a joint decision as I believe it should be with regards to our children.]

Funny you say all that. I would have said the same too. Except my X says it was never like that and she just had to agree with me and it was all my ideas not hers.

[tried grabbing at the door frame whilst his father tried to prize him away from me because he didn't want to go]
[I also know that when ex and I lived together he never made ds eat his left over tea..]

Hey that sounds so familiar.

Flippin' hell... If that's really true, you really need to put your foot down... Eating last nights supper for breakfast is just HORRID - as is a child being told off for wetting the bed.

Where is MadMuggle????? honestly, she has is sorted when it comes to standing up to the ex.

Seriously, having ironing done, or having nametags sown in is one thing... Having your children told off for bed wetting is quite another. FFS - my DSD2 wore a nappy in bed until she was nearly 4 and never once was she chastised for that.

God, I;m angry for you. No parent of any description should chastise a child for peeing or for not eating... and believe me, I'm strict. I don't agree with snacks if a child won't eat a meal, but not being made the meal the next day. That's tantamount to abuse and your Ex should not put up with that.

ooo sorry incase anything thinks I have the same problem. DS is not made to eat tea next day (just finish now)

Funny you say all that. I would have said the same too. Except my X says it was never like that and she just had to agree with me and it was all my ideas not hers.

That's just what I mean, WF - There is a real possibility that the ex is going back to the new partner and telling a different tale - which is what's making the partner react.

I'd also go to say that most OW's have been spun a line or two in their time. Obviously, the jury is out on whether they should have bought those lines, but as I said earlier, it's likely that she's heard ALL of your bad points and very few if any of your good ones.

My ultimate point is that it's likely your ex is playing more a part of this that meets the eye.

At very best, if he doesn't agree with certain behaviours (which would be suggested given he didn't agree with them when he was with you) then he ought not be putting up with them now he is with her.
He's still the parent here.

Sorry for multiple posts, but I'd like to point out a really relevant example.

I don't agree with snacks after a child has refused to eat a meal. My personal opinion and one DS will have to live with.

DH often allows his girls snacks (choc. crisps, ice cream) after they've refused a proper meal (veggies etc).

I do not agree with this. BUT (huge but!) they are his children. If he allows them treats, then they are allowed treats. If they ask me, they will be refered to their dad.

My position, as stepmum (as any Stepmum, IMHO) is to mind and care for the kids. Not to decide on rules. If I disagree with any rule, then it's up to me to take it up with DH....

I'm not trying to defend this woman, but I do think it's up to your EX to take a much more proactive stand, it's not good enough to say she's controlling and therefore this is what she does. It's not acceptable.