Am I wrong to want to be asked to solo parent my stepson?

[ThatPoliteSwan]

Ive been with my partner for 4 years, we have 2 children under 2 together and he has an 11 year old from a pervious relationship. We have him 50/50. Recently his behaviour is getting really out of hand, whenever we have him the house is full of shouting and trying to discipline him. He has no boundaries at his other parents so when he comes to us he thinks he can do what he wants whenever he wants. All the shouting makes me uncomfortable and I hate for the 2 small children to be around it all the time.
My partner recently made a comment of how he shouldn't have to ask me if he wants to do something while we have his son and I should just have him. For context he goes out for a full day of sports, gone before they wake and back at bedtime. I made a comment how he never tells me I am having his son till the night before and then im made to feel guilty about being unhappy with it. His loves to say he likes to 'torture' the babies, he constantly winds them up till they screaming never leaves them alone to just play alone. I find it really hard, and find i become a parent I dont want to be and shout. I dont enjoy my time with the babies if im alone with all 3.
I have to cancel plans with friends because going out in public is just too much for me.
Other than being alone with him I do pretty much everything else parenting wise, plan days out as a family, solely responsible for feeding, cleaning, I keep track of when we have him and don't. So im not an absent step parent, but I am wrong to be wanted to be asked if im okay to have him alone for such a long day?

I’m very sorry for you op that you didn’t have the tools to spot that the bloke you’ve now had 2 kids is a selfish misogynistic prick. That isn’t your fault. What is your situation for being able to leave this relationship?

Oh I agree

but I doubt this crappy side to him is a bolt from the blue and yet thought wise to have not one it two children with him.

I bet the only reason he has 50/50 is to avoid CMS

if his dad thinks he's the way he is due to no boundaries and looser decscipline while he's with his mother, why doesn't he be proactive in spending time with him to ensure he has some stability and better guidance? that's what if do if it was my child and I felt their other parent wasn't parenting them how I would like...

he shouldn't have to ask me if he wants to do something while we have his son and I should just have him

Does that go for you too? So you can just walk out on a weekend day and leave him with all 3 kids?

Because unless you worry that he won't be able to keep them safe, that's exactly what I'd do.

If you do worry that, I'd take the little ones with me. Get out first before he gets up.

It's not good for your children to be exposed to your stepson's behaviour. Put your foot down and insist that your OH devote most/all of his allocated time to his son. I'm pretty sure the son's behaviour will change for the better when at least one of his parents puts him first for a bit.

There will be so much “not good” that her children are exposed to by virtue of him being their dad

My partner recently made a comment of how he shouldn't have to ask me if he wants to do something while we have his son and I should just have him. For context he goes out for a full day of sports, gone before they wake and back at bedtime.

If you partner is going out for a full day of sports, then there's no need for his son to be at your house. The visiting arrangement is for the child to see his Dad, not you. Access by proxy is pointless.

This is a great point!

he shouldn’t be assuming you will be the default parent of your shared children.

are you allowed to just make plans and assume he will solo parent the two youngest for as many hours as you want? Can you even just go take a shower without making sure he is in charge? Does he return that same courtesy?

You 100% should not have to be the default parent to a step-child, but that isn’t the only issue.

We have him 50/50. To avoid paying child maintenance.

You're the unpaid nanny with a fanny, and you have rushed into having children with your partner.
You now have three options:

1. Continue as you are.
2. Become unavailable for step-parenting duties.
3. Leave. He will want 50:50 and find some other nanny with a fanny.

You’re a mug. He only tells you the night before and expects you to solo parent the whole day? Even with on,y your two, that wouldn’t be OK. With DSS it’s doubly so.

Four years and two kids you didn’t know him well enough and got yourself trapped. Plan to leave.

You are a doormat married to a pathetic excuse for a parent who doesn't like you.

And what would have happened if you had refused to live with him? he would be out there looking for a live in nanny.

Or he'd have got his mum or sister to do it.

Indeed- I wouldn't risk leaving the little ones with him and the stepson.

You're not being unreasonable at all. How often do you get to go out for the day and do whatever you like while he looks after all the kids?

@PygmyOwl , if he had to, bet he'd get his mum, sister or neighbour to look after them.