Feeling I’m done with adult stepchildren

[DramaDivaDi]

I have been with my husband for 22 years. I have four adult stepchildren in their 30s and 40s and we have a son together who recently had a big birthday.
We’ve basically all got along together but recently I’ve started to feel that the relationship is too one-way for comfort and that they’re old enough for me to step back honourably. They hold some very offensive views and I just have to sit there and bite my tongue; I put in all the wifework of arranging to meet and remembering birthdays; none of them sent a text or card on our son’s birthday; my husband continues to loan and gift them money, with me only finding out after the event, if at all.
I’m happy to go along to family occasions but I don’t want to put in the legwork any more. My husband thinks I am being judgemental and transactional and this is just how the parent-child relationship works.
I am really starting to think about leaving, or at least detaching myself.
has anyone experienced anything like this? Any observations or advice?

Leave and make yourself happy, your husband will just keep giving you the same crap if you stay.

I would definitely step back from the wifework and let your husband transact his, not yours, parent/ child relationship.

I might step even further back if their views truly offended me.

I don’t think you’d be wrong in backing off, if it bothers them they’re all old enough to be told why and they either apologise and change or they don’t.
They all sound very shitty by ignoring your son’s birthday.

What’s the relationship like between your son and his half siblings?

When we met they were teens/young adults and he was clear that they came as a package, which I felt was right. I wasn’t a great stepmother all the time but we made it work and I’ve been able to feel it’s been a positive relationship.
The birthday incident plus a recent seriously extreme expression of offensive views (think posh kids mocking the less fortunate), plus their age, made me wonder whether I really want these people in my life.

Hmmm

Just drop the rope, let your husband make the effort (or not), they’re his children after all… let him remember birthdays, buy cards and gifts, arrange any meet ups.

It sounds like if you leave it all to him you’ll barely see them again anyway. It’s a win win for you.

@Apprentice26 ???
I thought the relationship with their half-brother was good. So did he - and was upset by the birthday thing. A present from all four of them did arrive about three weeks after the event.
What’s difficult is that my husband doesn’t get how I feel so that backing off is a pretty serious blow to our marriage.

You've got a few of things going on there, OP. Some are to do with the stepchildren, some are purely about your husband.

1. Your stepchildren not acknowledging your son's - their brother's - big birthday
2. Your stepchildren hold views you find offensive, and you feel the need to hold your tongue (why? Is this at the behest of your husband?)
3. Your husband's expectation that you will facilitate his relationship with his older children
4. Your husband subsiding his elder children with loans / gifts of money
5. Your husband not consulting you on spending what I presume is joint money
6. Your husband dismissing your concerns

So - as far as these 30s/40s adults go, to whom you have been family for over 20 years - your relationship with them is separate from your husband. It's adult to adult. And this adult would be ticking off the 30s/40s adults for ignoring their younger brother's big birthday, just as I would do if I were their aunt or their actual mother. As to their offensive views, when they air them to you I would roll my eyes and tell them they're views are offensive to me. Adult to adult.

But they are not the big issue, your husband clearly is.

Your husband sounds like he's still living the Disney Dad life. Buying their affection with money, but leaving the contacting/maintaining the relationships - "the legwork" - to you. After 22 years of such behaviour, he's not going to change. The only thing you can change is you, as you clearly plan to do - "I don’t want to put in the legwork any more". I think that is probably for the best, and it's high time your husband got to see how often his elder children will be in touch (outside of asking for money) without your prompting. I think it will prove very instructive to him. It will certainly teach him what "transactional" actually looks like.

As for the spending (joint?) money without talking to you about it first (I'm assuming we're talking substantial amounts) and being dismissive of you - I assume this is why you say"I am really starting to think about leaving, or at least detaching myself"? Does he know his behaviour has pushed you this far?

think posh kids mocking the less fortunate), plus their age, made me wonder whether I really want these people in my life.^
No, I wouldn't, OP.

Life is wonderful without bigots or racists in your life.

You know wife work isn't a thing and you don't have to do it.

You know wife work isn't a thing and you don't have to do it.

Thank you for replies.
I have always kept my head down apart from one terrible Christmas when none of them brought me a present (and I’d done Christmas dinner, stockings, etc etc). If I call them out when they mock the disabled or boast about fraudulently obtaining meds then I become the problem.
I have asked my husband to attend counselling because I think a third party might help him to see the situation from other angles. He has agreed. So let’s hope that can bring us through.

I worry that he has agreed simply to keep you on board with the wifework instead of stepping up himself.
I hope I'm wrong.

Hi OP, I think you are again doing all the legwork. I think I can guess who will be arranging the counselling.
re the ‘children’, who cares if he thinks you are being transactional. Let him. You have a right to your own opinion. Just don’t organise anything for them. If he doesn’t like it, he can do something about it can’t he. Maybe he’d like to suggest counselling…
Re the finances, I think I’d need to understand your set up better to suggest what you might want to do. I am unclear how he could be giving away large sums of money and you don’t know about it or have an input. I guess your finances are not shared then? What do you contribute financially vs him?
It does occur to me if he has children in their 40s then he must be getting on in years. If he is financially abusive and otherwise not a good husband, you are probably better advised to divorce him and receive 50% share of your marital assets now than take what he leaves over after he has shared his assets in his will between 5 children.

Just step back and let him deal with his children. No effort for these adults who are clearly spoilt, entitled and nasty. Be polite but don't initiate contact.

Finances are slightly odd. He is retired but was an extremely high earner. I wasn’t, and am now not working after a brush with serious illness. We decided that we should enjoy his retirement (which by and large we do) as neither of us knows how long we have left. Also when we met he was paying obscene amounts of Maintenance to his ex-wife. So our finances are separate apart from a joint account which we use for household things.
We are very comfortably off but there are things we don’t do/do on the cheap because the financial fat has gone to his children.

Grateful for replies which have told me what I needed. Going to sign off now as further information gets a bit outing.
but yes to spoilt and entitled. Not sure about nasty - selfish and shallow definitely.

You’ve allowed this to happen. I don’t think you can really expect much from step kids who you came into the lives of when they were teens, and had another baby and you admit you weren’t a great step mum to them. I imagine it was all pretty shit for them.

My dad did the same. His new wife also moaned about the amount he paid in maintenance for us. Of course he paid lots as a high earner with multiple kids, like your husband has and should have. There was such a big age gap between me and my dad’s other kids that I don’t see them as my siblings.

You’re not happy, so leave. You’re allowed to put yourself first. They’re not your kids and your husband sounds shit.

I think you need to drop the rope. It seems you are doing the most to keep the relationships going. They are not children and you don’t need to drive everything. Just detach in your head and focus solely on your DC. Maybe you have put too much into them and feel resentful now. I know I can feel that about two of my adult sons who are not very communicative - my daughters are great. I think they are adults so the energy needs to shift - it needs to be reciprocated, mutual and respectful adult to adult. Match their energy. Let your DH pick up the rope. I am sorry you have been unwell and I suspect you are concerned about your DC if you and/or your assume older DH were not around and their half-siblings have shown to be disinterested. Focus on your child. You’ve done too much already.

I don’t think you need to announce when you stop kinkeeping wife work. Just stop it. If they ask what’s going on say ‘sounds great make a plan with your dad and I’ll see you there!’ And similar to DH x

I’m a step parent to adult step children they’re all in their 50s. I’ve been with their father for 20 years we were both widowed when we met. I’ll never be accepted, I’ll always be judged as not being their mum, not being good enough. - they are polite pleasant whilst in their fathers hearing but even after knowing me for 20 years when their dads not around they’re aloof, ignore me cancel me out, contradict me to the extent that if I say something is white they’ll say it’s black. They don’t want their dad to be on his own or unhappy but they drive me away by their behaviour I keep my distance play their two faced games and don’t expect anything from them