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Step-parenting

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12 year old dsd smoking and drinking

6 replies

silkcushion · 19/06/2008 22:06

very worried about her.

She lives with her mum and dss (who is 13). They used to visit every other weekend but have dropped that down to school holidays pretty much. Dss has been saying for a month or so that she is going off the rails. She's out drinking and smoking with friends after school. Her school reports say she is not keeping up anymore (last year she did really well in SATs) and puts in no effort. She keeps getting detention.

DH was hoping it was just usual "teenage" attitude but last weekend we caught her smoking roll up fags out of her bedroom window at midnight.

I spent 2 hours talking to her to find out why she is behaving like this. SHe seems extremely unhappy, told me she is worried about schoolwork. Her mum moved a new bf in without any notice (they'd not even met him), now each weekend she has to share her room with his daughter. She said she misses spending time with her mum and brother. Doesn't want to tell her mum how she feels because she wouldn't want to stop Mum's bfs children from seeing him.

She thinks her dad hates her as he is always lecturing her. This is probably true, her mum doesn't set any boundaries or call her up on bad behaviour so DH does it. She didn't mention her new baby sister (7 months). I asked how she felt and she got very upset saying she loved her but hated the fact that she would get to grow up with her dad. She said she felt her dad didn't need to like her anymore because he had a new daughter.

Dh did his best to reassure her she was loved equally - don't think it worked.

His exW will do nothing about the behaviour as she can't be bothered to fight dsd. Wat on earth can we do? ExW is very hostile and difficult for DH to talk to btw

OP posts:
2rebecca · 20/06/2008 12:59

Could she live with you? Jow near are you? Would she want to live with you? Would she want to come more often?

mumblechum · 20/06/2008 13:04

Sounds like a shared residence arrangement would work, maybe one week with mum, one with dad, but it only works if the parents are on speaking terms and both reasonable distance from school.

Could your dh ask the mum if it would be ok to suggest this to dsd?

youcannotbeserious · 20/06/2008 14:05

Can she not stay with you when the other girl is there?

Must be tough - I think my 13YO DSD would FREAK if she had to share her room with someone... especially someone she didn't know

silkcushion · 20/06/2008 19:09

Sadly - exW moved 140 miles away from DH when the children were 5 and 6. So shared residency is not an option. It also makes it very difficult for DH to have lots of influence.

DSD knows she is welcome to visit every weekend if she wants but now her friends are really important to her and she doesn't want to mess up her "social" life apparently. for social read smoking and drinking.

Dh and exW are not on good terms unfortunately. She is very unpredictable, nice one minute and screaming at him the next. She actually works for social services removing children from unfit parents!!! Yet can't see ehr own situation for what it is.

exW doesn't seem to think the smoking is that big an issue - she and her bf are heavy smokers. She also thinks drinking is ok. She gave DSD and her friend alcopops during her 12th birthday sleepover fgs.

DH needs to influence exW but she will just go ballistic and stop access. This is pretty much what happens when he upsets her

OP posts:
clam · 20/06/2008 19:18

Hmm. Tricky.... but I think the only thing you can do is exactly what you seem to be doing. Namely, keeping the lines of communication open with her, and providing a friendly, welcoming haven for her when she wants. You don't have to condone her behaviour in her mother's house, but make it clear that you won't accept it in yours. Beyond that, any disciplining has to come from DH and her mother. At least she tlaked to you and confided her fears. Big step forward....

landj · 21/06/2008 22:16

Having EXACTLY same experience with my SS, whos 13. Failing badly at school, smoking, drinking. Came home from skating last saturday with a huge love bite on his neck. He's 13!!!! He used to come over every other weekend, but now he doesn't want to, his friends are where his mum lives. Again, bit of a dodgy home life with his mum, the poor kid has had 3 step fathers in 3 years. tried talking to him, but Dh just gets mad at his teenage grunts. And your exW sounds exactly like ours. SS has been allowed to watch 18 cert horror films since he was 8. Then gets grumpy when I wont let him watch them at ours. But what can we really do about it without all hell breaking lose?

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