Suffocating

[pombearmum]

Hi there,

I have a stepchild who is now nearly 20. There was never anything toxic or negative from me as a stepparent, but three years ago she accused me of mistreating her and told a number of lies. She was never left out of anything or treated any differently to my children. Those accusations seriously damaged my relationships and my reputation. Since then, I haven’t received any kind of apology—responsibility is always shifted elsewhere.

As a result of everything that happened, I made the decision to step back and cut ties for my own wellbeing. She also doesn’t see her dad (my husband) very often now, and is often unreliable in maintaining contact, which is her own choice he has really really tried but seems to get nowhere.

Recently, her mum has insisted that whenever I do anything with my children—even something as simple as going for a walk to the shops to get milk —I should invite her because she feels left out because her mum said that she knows when I do things with my kids and go out for walks which is also really weird. I am not allowed to feel comfortable or safe going anywhere without the fear of being watched and stalked. I don’t post on my socials anymore and these people are all blocked.

I’m not comfortable with any of that. Given what happened, I don’t feel safe being alone with her, and I’ve worked hard to move on from the situation. Being expected to include her in everything feels unreasonable and overwhelming.

Am I wrong to feel that this expectation is unfair? I’ve just got to a place mentally where I’m happy, I’m putting myself and kids first for a change instead of everyone else, but now I feel like I’m suffocating.

Sorry OP, I’m confused. Step daughter is nearly 20 and her mother is insisting she comes for a walk with you? You said you have cut ties with her. And how old are your children? Are they shared with her father?

If the step daughter is nearly 20
I would just block the mother. There's no need for contact with her at all. You're not obliged to invite a 20 year old to get milk with you in case she feels left out either.

You should tell stepdaughters mum to do one and tell stepdaughter that as a direct consequence of her lies she's not welcome to come out with you and your dc and as she's almost 20 its time she grew up

This is a follow on from the other day? The SD needs to apologise for all the issues she’s caused. You don’t need to take her out on walks. She has her own mum, why does she need this from you, after all the hassle she’s caused (based on your other thread)? She should see her father if she wants to, you don’t have to be involved. Block her mum from contacting you.

OP, your step daughter is 20. An adult. Why are you communicating with her mum at all? Just block her and ask your husband not to tell you if she says anything to you.

Stalking and harassment is illegal so if the mum repeatedly contacts you after being told its unwelcome then you can report her.

Why do you care a jot about what her mother thinks? Did you mean to type 20, as in an adult? Block the batshit mum and you don’t ever have to see the SD again. In the nicest possible way, stop being a doormat. Where’s your husband in all of this? If he doesn’t see her why the fuck would you see her?

FWIW I also had this with DSC who used to moan I was there, didn’t want me around, made up lies etc. I stepped back completely once they were adults after years of grief, then they told us through their mother that they felt rejected. You can’t win, there’s no need to even try after years of issues. They wanted you out the way, they’ve got it. That’s life.

My life is infinitely better without them in it, as are our joint DC’s who they also wanted out of the way every time they came around. You reap what you sow.

Forget these women. Neither can 'insist' a thing. It's on your husband to communicate with his adult daughter.

Can you explain how this insistence from the mum is being communicated? I don’t understand why she has any means of contacting you, given the history.

Block her mother and at 20 you can make the decision to never be in the company of your husbands child again.
Why are you listening to your husbands ex?
Why are you tolerating this?
Cut them off completely once and for all.

She’s 20 and you need to invite her to get milk?! Seriously? Why is she not at work and why is her Mum in contact with you to even suggest that?!

Oh OP! That is absolutely batshit crazy! An adult of 20 does not need to go on a walk to the shop for groceries with her stepmom. In fact she can go to the shop on her own & get groceries. As other PPs have said, double check that you’ve blocked Mom on all fronts, & if your DH is telling you stuff, tell him firmly to STOP. I’m not normally one to suggest counselling straight out, but it sounds like your SD would (potentially) benefit from it, see if that could get to the route of any issues & may even lead to an apology & responsibility being taken. Good luck!