I am really really struggling.
Been in my SD 15 and SD 12(Mini wife) for 7 years now. Also knew them before this as me and their dad knew each other. I have two children 8 and 11.
Over The 7 years their contact days have changed several times due to their mums preference at times and other times due to my partners work and hours. Up until end of last year it was all pretty good, had a couple issues with SD 15 who moved in with us for a few months but she has come out the other side and I get on really well with her, and she has moved back home with her mum.
Normally I take my children on holiday on my own, as I often take mine abroad (this was before we lived together) and my partner wouldn’t normally come as he doesn’t have passports for them or afford to. Or with UK holidays he couldn’t say he was coming as the kids were flaky with coming so it was too much money to risk as we never know until the night before if they are coming or not. He came on one holiday abroad with me and my kids as he just needed a breakaway, I paid for him as it was a last minute add on. We have now both agreed living together to put so much each week into a holiday fund and we can use this every couple of months to take them all away in the UK. SD15 is pretty consistent and will come if she says she will be. This weekend was our first weekend of doing this. (He also believes if we can do a weekend away with all the kids before we have a weekend away without any kids it softens the blow for his children as they have started staying Friday-Sundays. We had a lot booked this year as weren’t really having them for a full weekend/ they both didn’t come for extended periods of a few weeks and we have some concerts booked, couple weekends away we booked each other for birthdays etc.).
I picked up SD15 Friday as she’s not currently schooling, took her to an appointment; shopping for few bits and we were talking. She’s told me she is noticing SD12 sudden weird behave towards their dad and that she has told her she will start recording her. She’s tried to tell their mum but she shrugs it off as the eldest being jealous. I have noticed a change in SD12 behaviour and have been on some Facebook forums and things and this term Mininwife syndrome has appeared, tbh I hate the thought of labelling a kid but so much of it seems to be there. SD15 was saying that for example they went out for a Mother’s Day meal for their mum, SD12 insisted on going somewhere me and the dad take them and then asked the SD15 as she has the life360 app to track him as she saw a notification he was on the move and being like is he coming here, will we bumo into him here and I encouraged her to tell her dad whilst we were away this weekend and she did and he has considered deleting the app now or restricting his movements for SD15 so she isn’t put in this position again. She was also saying SD12 slags their dad of to their mum, often won’t go (mainly on weekends we have all the kids, or if she knows SD15 is going.) so I am not quite sure what is really going on. As when she is around she acts like his partner. She got in a grump and refused to speak the whole journey because my partner had to work 50 miles away on the day we went. If he went from his work to the camp site it would be 47 miles back up. As he could cut across a different way rather than doing 110 coming back to our home town and then driving up and driving for longer when he left at 5am that day to go to work. So I said I’ll get all the kids and meet you there: she was apparently whinging to her mum that she doesn’t think I would allow her to go back in his car either. Which I did allow her I wasn’t going to stop her. So she doesn’t speak on the way up apart from to say that the Dad had messaged and said he was there and the eldest turned around and said yes we know Dad has already rung us so that’s then put her in a bad mood too. Once we then checked in and in the caravan they both got changed and SD 12 or the shortest of shorts a top that tried to show off her bra straps and then we went down for dinner. She then proceeded to cry that she was cold. She got the mum involved texting the mum then saying she wanted to go home and the Mum was then messaging my partner demanding he drove to a shop an hour away to buy her a jumper when it was quite simple all they had to do is go back to the room and change their clothes however step daughter 12 had already annoyed the eldest stepdaughter because when we got to the rooms at the caravan he picked their rooms next to us and my children’s room was the one in front. The eldest wanted to sleep on the wall opposite the window which was basically the wall next to us because she doesn’t cope well with sleeping next to windows and light SD12 point blank fused because she was sleeping next to the wall because she wanted to sleep next to her dad because she asked what side of the bed does he sleep. Then when we went to sit down for dinner she wouldn’t just sit down and SD15 was like just sit down. She proceeded to moan continuously to SD15 when we all went to bed etc as she was telling me the next morning.
We had breakfast and SD12 apparently doesn’t even what everyone else is having so had to have peanut butter from the shop at £5 a jar whereas we all just had what we were given and white bread when everyone else wanted brown.Then we went swimming and she was climbing all over him and SD15 said to me she felt awkward and uneasy. I took myself of to the hot tub. He then came and joined me instead. Then we went to go for lunch and we suggested sharing pizzas. SD12 refused as apparently every option on the menu she doesn’t like. When we know she does it’s a form of control. She does it at home we only eat a few set meals but at her mums will eat so many more. So he allows her her own meal while we all shared 2 pizzas between the 5 of us left. Suddenly SD12 sprained her ankle, wanted carrying and overall his full attention but between all the kids she didn’t get that so got stroppy. She kicked off because my son went back on the car with her and her dad yesterday. SD15 came with me. Then she started telling SD15 to f* off on messages because she sat next to him and so did I. Then if I was walking next to him she would then try to intercept between. But so many other thins at home make sense. The way she is overly affectionate, constantly wants him all to herself, when she is over she will try to always get him on his own in her room, I would normally stand next to him washing dishes but now she will make a point of standing there overly close. He does not correct her on anything. He just says oh she just wants attention as she only sees me once a week. Well if that was the case she would come every weekend she can, she would come durn the week welhen invited but doesn’t, and wouldn’t slag him off for going away. She has also told him
He is to not go away with me for the weekends, she talks in this baby voice. I am telling him her behaviour is becoming a problem; his eldest daughter is telling him the same. She wants to start filming her sister. I am hoping this is a phase, but whereas before he wouldn’t argue back with me when I would say something a out his kids behaviour (like he does mine) he will now argue back constantly. Ultimately she ruined the weekend for the other 3 kids. We have a few more weekends away booked with her this year and my kids have said they don’t want her to come, her eldest sister has said the same. Which is sad because she is part of the family but she’s making everyone feel uneasy. How do I get him to perhaps see that he needs to establish some clearer boundaries, he needs to also explain if she refuses to eat when we no she eats something then she starves she doesn’t get special treatment.