How do you navigate affection?

[stepmomsos]

Do step parents out there feel motherly and affectionate towards their step children? I really struggle with this, I want to squeeze my own kids every time I see them but I just don’t feel it for my step kid. I don’t want to treat them differently but I’m finding it hard to force myself to be the same. Sometimes find myself holding back affection for my little ones so step kid doesn’t feel left out. Must add our relationship is very strained and they may not even want my affection!! Is this normal?

How old are the children?

@Snorlaxostep child is 10, mine are 1 & 6.

at 10 they might want a bit more distance and less showy affection than the younger kids anyway, doesn’t necessarily stand out. But the relationship being generally strained will make a difference to them. I’d worry less about showing affection in the same way and look for more personal and maybe gentler ways to show you care for dsc. Buying little treats they especially like, remembering details about what they’re into, that sort of thing. Would that be easier?

@UraniumFlowerpot to be fair I do all these things, I’ve took her to events that she likes on her own, I buy little things when I see them if I know she will like them & I probably know more about her than her dad does. But due to behaviour & constant drama and phone calls from her mother even on days SD isn’t with us just makes it difficult for me to be close to her. I know it sounds terrible, I feel guilty for feeling like this but I just don’t feel the same way as I do towards my own children.

I took on 2 young boys when I married my husband. They’d lost their mum 😢. It was very tough at times but we got through it and now they’re very happy, well adjusted adults who I can honestly say I love.
However, it’s a different feeling compared to how I feel about my own son, as much as I adore them. I might get flamed for saying this but what you’re feeling is normal, I think. Don’t beat yourself up. It sounds like you’re doing a great job. It’s very hard when there’s an ex to deal with and all the associated drama.

That sounds like you’re doing really well. It doesn't have to be the same as your own kids and it can take time to grow. It’s okay that you’re not her mum and that your relationship is different than of you were. Be a reliable, generous, positive part of her life as much as you reasonably can but don’t beat yourself up about your feelings being affected by bad behavior etc.

It's normal to feel differently about your own children.

Try not to let her mum's behaviour affect your relationship with your SD. I'm presuming your children are her half siblings? If she detects any resentment it could affect the sibling relationship.

It’s normal OP. As much as people like to pretend, for the majority it’s impossible to build that bond with a part-time stepchild who has two parents already. She doesn’t love you like she loves her parents either.