Advice needed please about telephone contact

[Surfermum]

I'm just wondering what other people's views are on this. DH is allowed to telephone his dd (aged 9) every Wednesday evening, and does so on her mother's mobile phone. It's the only number he has for her. In view of the recent news about mobiles he suggested to her mother last week that it would be better to use her landline. She refused to give it to him. What would you do in his position?

[hercules]

depends what her reasons were.

[HunkerMunker]

Can she ring him on the landline but put 141 before his number so he can't find it out. Sad state of affairs though

[Surfermum]

The only reason she gave was that she's "not ready for that yet". Some time ago he suggested swapping landlines to make it cheaper for both of them. She told him she didn't want him intruding in her home life. He doesn't ring her excessively - normally just before a contact (every 3 weeks) to arrange a pick up time and very rarely other than that. He always asks her, when she answers, if it's convenient and if she can talk. Not what I'd call intrusive.

[HunkerMunker]

And fools...nah, I prefer your version PD!

[islean]

out of interest what does everyone think is a reasonable number of times per week for a pre school child to call a non resident parent?

[beansprout]

Unless she really has a particular reason (although I can't think what that would be), I think it's really ok for him to have the land line number. His DD should be able to call him when she wants, surely?!

[nnosam]

i think that your dh needs a landline number, what happens if something happens and he need to get hold of her mum and the mobile is dead????
i think kids should have contact with the non-res perant at all times and that home phone numbers should not be an issue

[Aimsmum]

Message withdrawn

[Surfermum]

We have had that situation in the past - where her phone broke and it was a good couple of months before it was replaced. It was ridiculous but she flatly refused then to give him a landline. She wouldn't have tolerated that situation in reverse. DSD contacting dh just doesn't happen - he only gets the telephone contact because of a Court Order, and has a half hour window in which it can happen. If he has been late, eg if he's still driving home from work, she's refused to let him speak to his daughter. She's sometimes left her phone switched off at the time he's meant to ring too, then the next night when he tries again has told him it's not his night. He just never rises to it and normally write dsd a letter instead.

[aloha]

Oh, your poor dh. My dh speaks to his daughter every day unless, say, she's at a sleepover or on holiday. He calls her mostly, but that is partly because she knows that her mum doesn't really like her calling her dad. Though now she is allowed a mobile and is older and more confident she calls him more frequently. He has spoken to her nearly every night for as long as I've known him, which is since his daughter was six. She lived with him from two to four (ie her mother lived elsewhere) and when she went to live with her mother during the week he spoke to her every day. It's been essential IMO in keeping their relationship on a normal, intimate footing. It's so unfair on this child to ration contact like this. It really does make me cross.

[aloha]

But frankly, if she's this unreasonable, I don't know what you can do about it, except keep plugging on.

[Surfermum]

I suppose it is only for 10-20 minutes at the most each week, which I guess isn't excessive use of a mobile, so she won't be at too much risk. I just get so frustrated that anything dh tries to do in the best interests of his daughter always seem be to perceived by her mother as interfering in her life.

Thanks for your thoughts. Its only now that I've found mumsnet that I have confirmed to myself that we aren't being unreasonable about the whole situation.

[Surfermum]

I mean other issues too, not just this one!

[otto]

I think it's completely unreasonable to restrict contact in this way. My dp can phone his dd whenever he wants to and she can call us whenever she wants to. When she is staying with us she calls her mum too. It's never been an issue and is really important to be talk about small things as and when they happen. Why can't he have the landline number? Surely he knows where she lives, so how can BM object to him knowing the phone number too?

[Surfermum]

It beats me Otto! She's said things in the past like "I don't want you disturbing my home life". I suppose with a mobile she can chose when and if she speaks to dh - and often exercises that choice!

[cornflake]

I wonder if its something about her mum not wanting to hear her conversation with her dad on the landline. Does she always talk in private on a mobile. Some exs just don't want to hear it and if she hasn't got a walkabout phone maybe thats the problem. Selfish I know but maybe thats whats behind it. My ss can be secretive about talking to his mum but god knows why. He won't use the house phone even though he is told he can and that it is cheaper.
If you can't resolve it then hang on to the thought that his daughter will figure these things out for herself when she is old enough and her mum is not doing her relationship with her any favours. Maybe that needs pointing out to her mother subtly.

[Surfermum]

I don't think it is Cornflake. She normally talks to him in the lounge, while having her tea and watching TV with her siblings (not dh's) and mother around her. In the past her mother has frequently listened in, commented on things that dsd has said, eg if dh asks dsd what she's having for tea that gets misconstrued as "oh now he's checking up because he thinks I don't feed her". We have asked for her to be given some privacy for the calls but have been refused.

You're right about dsd figuring things out for herself eventually. That's what we trying to hang on to, and we always concentrate on doing what is best for dsd. I want her, when she's an adult, to thank me for how I behaved and handled things.

From her mum's point of view I sometimes wonder if it's the last bit of control she has over the situation. She tried to eliminate dh from dsd's life, but he wasn't having it and took her to Court. She was gradually forced to let him have more and more contact, tell him where she lived (she'd moved area), give him a contact phone number. It seems to me that she's very reluctant to make decisions for herself, and it's almost like it's easier for her to go with a Court Order as it's then not her decision if things go wrong.

[otto]

So many men are neglectful when it comes to their children, so it's a real shame when a dad wants to maintain contact, but is stopped from doing so.