Tips for stepparenting older children and teenagers

[BearPaw]

I’ve been in SC’s lives since they were little, and we’ve always had a close relationship. They call me a second mum.

Now, hormones are kicking in, and I feel like it’s easier for them to reject and blame me than DH. My instinct is to back right off! WWYD?

I think it depends on the specific situation but if you have a close relationship I would trust your instincts on it. There may be certain rules & boundaries worth aligning with your husband on in which case that warrants a separate conversation.

We’ve always had a close relationship before! When I moved in, DH and I agreed I’d have equal say over raising them in our household and have always backed each other. But suddenly I’m getting a lot of huffing and pushback for enforcing rules that a) are the same as they’ve always been and b) he also enforces…

If DH is around I would let him be the main one to enforce rules for sure. If he’s out then I would enforce them gently. Are the rules fair ones?

I think they’re fair. Examples would include putting dirty laundry in the basket (not leaving it on the bathroom floor), homework is to be done on Saturday mornings, remember to brush your teeth.

Homework being done on Saturday mornings is a little controlling for secondary students, they need to develop their own routine and have some independence. Teeth and dirty laundry are of course reasonable but if they’re being all ‘you’re not my mum’ then I honestly would back off a bit and get their parent to do the telling off

The thing is, it doesn’t get done at their mum’s so we have a limited period to ensure it is done. They’re 11 and 12 so only one is into secondary, and barely.

I haven’t had “you’re not my real mum” yet but I don’t think it’s far off!

It’s hard to know where to draw the line between treating them as I’d treat my own, and not volunteering myself for unnecessary strife. They seem much more sassy with me and towards their stepdad than to their parents.

Yeah the homework on a Saturday morning seems abit much, although, I’m not a great believer of children being given homework anyway, i think they do enough with 6hrs of school, 5 days a week! As for the push backs, I wouldn’t take it personally, they just sound like normal pre-teens to me!

Mine are similar ages and also at secondary school. No way we’d have Saturday mornings as homework time - after a long hard week at school we all need a rest / decompress / chill out in PJ’s with bacon sarnies and the radio etc before the weekend begins. Seems really harsh and a bit tone deaf to be expecting them to work for the 6th consecutive morning out of 7.

As for the step-parent issue - I wouldn’t worry about that - teens will find anything to push back against. Even if you were their mum they’d be resistant to being prompted to hang up their wet towels / use laundry basket etc.

ps: mine are the other way round… they’re little angels for their step-mum and sassy for me. But neither me nor their (ace) step-mum mind… as long as they’ve got an outlet for a bit of sass it shows they’re secure in that relationship enough to push-back. Try not to worry x

The path of least resistance would be not to make them do homework at all, but we both think that’d be failing in our duty as (step) parents, given that they’re both behind at school and it’s not done at their mum’s.

On Fridays we relax, cook or play board games. On Saturday, after breakfast and homework, we usually do a family activity, then relax with a film at night. They have sports on Sunday morning, and if there’s matches, by the time we’re home, they’re showered, we’ve had lunch and spent some time decompressing, it’s time for them to leave again.

Do they get to do anything they want to do like seeing friends etc?