First time poster - need to vent

BreezyBlueFox · 2026-02-23T18:56:16+00:00

Never posted before so not really sure what I’m doing! Married with 2 step sons, 15 and 12, and one daughter 3 with my husband. Note the boys have no relationship with their birth mum and haven’t for 11 years. I have been in their life for 7 years. Get on brilliantly with my eldest SS but not at all with my 12yo. He shows a lot of jealously towards our 3yo (stealing nappies to purposely wet himself - but that’s a whole other story), has very emotional outbursts and is downright mean sometimes. We have tried to get him help to school and hospital, but he refuses to talk. It has gotten to the point now where he has made me cry so many times that I have told my husband that I cannot help him anymore. I love my husband, and my family, and have no plans to go anywhere ever, but I cannot parent this child anymore for my own mental health! Anyone been in a similar situation or can offer any advice?

Oldbird69 · 23/02/2026 19:27

So sorry to hear this. What does your husband say about it?

Original poster

BreezyBlueFox · 23/02/2026 19:34

Oldbird69 · 23/02/2026 19:27

So sorry to hear this. What does your husband say about it?

Husband is struggling also, but works long hours so has a bit more time away. I work from home so am the primary parents the vast majority of the time. He completely understands and sees my struggle thankfully, so at least there is support.
It has gotten to the point where he is considering tracking down his birth mum, just so we can all have a bit of respite, which sounds awful for me to say!
I understand that SS must have a lot of trauma from not knowing birth mum but he will not allow us to help him, and his behaviour is affecting the whole family 😮‍💨

OP posts:

Oldbird69 · 23/02/2026 20:22

I really don't have any practical advice to give I'm afraid. I'm a stepmum too, but both SDs lived with their mother. They were fine when we got together, but after we got married, they hit their teens & were manipulative & sometimes just plain vile.
At least they didn't live with us, so I got a break from them.
Are your DH's parents any help?

CrowsAndRavens · 23/02/2026 20:36

It has gotten to the point where he is considering tracking down his birth mum, just so we can all have a bit of respite

This is a terrible idea. I think your husband is delusional. He’s just looking for another woman to pick up his job of parenting.

He needs to sort his hours out and be there for his 12 year old. And the others.

Everintroverte · 23/02/2026 20:36

The situation sounds incredibly difficult, especially as you are primary parent most of the time. I assume you have tried pastoral support at school, psychology / counselling, (my daughter attended for some therapy when she was 12/13 through a local council run youth centre - the psychologist was specially trained to support teens).
Does DH have any family that will help?
I assume DSS mum isn't involved through her own choice, could it possibly make things worse if she declined to see him or offer support?

Original poster

BreezyBlueFox · 23/02/2026 20:41

CrowsAndRavens · 23/02/2026 20:36

It has gotten to the point where he is considering tracking down his birth mum, just so we can all have a bit of respite

This is a terrible idea. I think your husband is delusional. He’s just looking for another woman to pick up his job of parenting.

He needs to sort his hours out and be there for his 12 year old. And the others.

Respectfully, I could not disagree more. I do not earn enough to cover mortagage, bills etc and he is lucky enough to have a job that gives enough hours and pays well enough to pick up the slack, even if it does drain him physically and mentally. I can reassure you, he doesn’t start work at 4am each morning to avoid having to parent his children…

OP posts:

Original poster

BreezyBlueFox · 23/02/2026 20:43

Oldbird69 · 23/02/2026 20:22

I really don't have any practical advice to give I'm afraid. I'm a stepmum too, but both SDs lived with their mother. They were fine when we got together, but after we got married, they hit their teens & were manipulative & sometimes just plain vile.
At least they didn't live with us, so I got a break from them.
Are your DH's parents any help?

Husband doesn’t have a relationship with his parents, unfortunately. My parents and family are extremely supportive, and always help out when they can

OP posts:

beAsensible1 · 23/02/2026 20:45

BreezyBlueFox · 23/02/2026 19:34

Husband is struggling also, but works long hours so has a bit more time away. I work from home so am the primary parents the vast majority of the time. He completely understands and sees my struggle thankfully, so at least there is support.
It has gotten to the point where he is considering tracking down his birth mum, just so we can all have a bit of respite, which sounds awful for me to say!
I understand that SS must have a lot of trauma from not knowing birth mum but he will not allow us to help him, and his behaviour is affecting the whole family 😮‍💨

Show quote history

well tracking down the birth mum is ridiculous idea. she is a stranger. you need to seek help via your gp and CAMHS. if you can afford private then that pathway, you can't get respite from a stranger.

If you are such a crisis point, then your DH needs to ask to change his work hours or find a different job or take some leave to sort this out.

Original poster

BreezyBlueFox · 23/02/2026 20:46

Everintroverte · 23/02/2026 20:36

The situation sounds incredibly difficult, especially as you are primary parent most of the time. I assume you have tried pastoral support at school, psychology / counselling, (my daughter attended for some therapy when she was 12/13 through a local council run youth centre - the psychologist was specially trained to support teens).
Does DH have any family that will help?
I assume DSS mum isn't involved through her own choice, could it possibly make things worse if she declined to see him or offer support?

We have contacted school and the GP, appointment supposed to be this week but he has already told us he refuses to go!
Did the therapy help your daughter?
No family on DHs side, he is estranged from all but we do get support from my family, although not much as they all have their own things to deal with, as do most people!
Yes; birth mum not involved through her own choice, decided she didn’t want to mum after having two…. but then went on to have another 2!

OP posts:

Pancakesbythedozen · 23/02/2026 20:48

Maybe ss is pushing the boundaries to test if you /his df will walk away also?
Have they had therapy about their dm being missing from their lives?

Harrietsaunt · 23/02/2026 20:49

Your DH needs to make changes so that he can parent his son effectively.

Original poster

BreezyBlueFox · 23/02/2026 20:52

beAsensible1 · 23/02/2026 20:45

well tracking down the birth mum is ridiculous idea. she is a stranger. you need to seek help via your gp and CAMHS. if you can afford private then that pathway, you can't get respite from a stranger.

If you are such a crisis point, then your DH needs to ask to change his work hours or find a different job or take some leave to sort this out.

Edited

Show quote history

I am not staying we would abandon him to go stay with birth mum without knowing her… but gradually overtime, at least then the option is there.
GP and school have been contacted. SS refuses to go or talk. You cannot make a 12 yo do something they do not want to do, unfortunately.
As I stated on a previous reply, husband does not enjoy the hours he works, he does it so we can afford to keep a roof over our head and food on the table. My wage is no way near enough to live off.

OP posts:

BlendedProbs · 23/02/2026 21:04

Oh OP, you posted on my thread too. Sorry to hear about everything you’re going through :( I have, as you can imagine, SO much sympathy but no answers.

LoyalMember · 23/02/2026 23:20

'He shows a lot of jealously towards our 3yo (stealing nappies to purposely wet himself - but that’s a whole other story)'

He does what? 😳

Screamingabdabz · 23/02/2026 23:28

Behaviour is communication. He is challenging because he may have attachment issues or other kinds of trauma. Stealing nappies to pee in them suggests some deep seated issues that may need professional help.

Sometimes the most unloveable children are the ones that need the most love.

Harrietsaunt · 24/02/2026 07:26

If DH can’t/won’t put the hard yards in, even if that means changing his current work schedule, then you continue as you are. Hopefully the behaviour doesn’t escalate.

AmethystDeceiver · 24/02/2026 07:32

This seems like too big an issue to deal with on your own. A 12 year purposely using nappies needs professional help and intervention. Your husband has to find a way to make him engage with his GP and CAMHS

Uticary · 28/02/2026 13:03

OP, best advice would be to pack up and move home with your poor child and leave your husband to focus on his children.
This is not for you to solve, but it will negatively affect your child.

CloudPop · 28/02/2026 16:22

LoyalMember · 23/02/2026 23:20

'He shows a lot of jealously towards our 3yo (stealing nappies to purposely wet himself - but that’s a whole other story)'

He does what? 😳

I didn’t understand that either.

user1476613140 · 28/02/2026 17:41

I don't understand why people purposefully choose to have children with someone else who already has children from a previous relationship. There are no winners in this situation.