Nightmare SS situation

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I don’t even know what I want from this post. Maybe just a hand hold from people who might be a bit more sympathetic than the AIBU lot. It will be long though so feel free to ignore.
Been with OH 5 years but known him 20+. Big, busy, complicated blend which has had its ups and downs but is generally happy and successful. However SS (about to turn 14) is currently going wildly off the rails. He likely has some form of attachment issue (he has lived with OH since tiny as mum lost custody when he was a baby and then passed away when he was v young, he doesn’t remember her), definitely AuDHD, possibly other stuff going on re mum drinking/drugging when pregnant. He’s always been very difficult but it’s just absolutely off a cliff lately - all the usual stuff but at unbelievable levels. He is a pathological liar; steals anything he fancies from us/the other kids; constantly baiting the other children into hyperactive, stupid games which inevitably end with someone hurt & crying; has had repeated incidents of putting himself in dangerous situations which is now also escalating; behaviour and attitude at school is shocking.
OH is a very, very present and involved dad - he has always had to keep very firm boundaries with SS; when we got together I thought he was too harsh, pushed him towards a softer approach; SS perceives this as weakness/an opportunity to push boundaries constantly and far beyond ‘normal’ kid levels. Over 5 years OH has tried every combination of carrot and stick in varying proportions, every parenting approach going… and nothing changes. I opted out of any kind of active parental-style involvement years ago as realised very quickly that it’s enough to drive one insane (as you literally cannot trust a single word SS says and 99% of the time he will create some kind of argument out of pretty much anything, so any form of genuine engagement is almost impossible) so am now largely nacho/just support OH through each new shit hitting the fan situation.
We are now reaching absolute crisis point - SS is a law unto himself, none of the other children in the house want anything particularly to do with him as it’s so unenjoyable; I’m kind/neutral to him but can’t engage on any deeper level; OH has persevered for years but is also increasingly worn down by the whole thing and wants less and less to do with him. In the 5 years we’ve been together there has been zero progression from SS in terms of understanding why his wants don’t supercede everyone else’s needs and feelings. Things that were explainable as immaturity on a 9 year old are a lot less so on a 14 year old.
I have so much guilt for my DC for putting them in this situation. If I’d had a crystal ball I would never have moved in together; SS’s needs are so much higher than they originally seemed. It’s like having a toddler except one I didn’t sign up for. He can’t be left alone in the house as will steal from the other children; we are constantly on edge at home as we also have an actual toddler and he will leave the front door open, leave the hob on, etc etc. A few weeks ago he gave her a golf ball and she put it in her mouth and choked. I feel like my older DC have missed out on so much as we don’t really do anything as SS renders it so stressful it’s not worth it. Which is my fault for putting them in that situation, not SS as it wasn’t his choice either. And I also feel v sorry for SS as it must be totally shit to live in a house where no one wants to engage with you.
But now I/we are in this horrible situation where the needs of one child directly clash with the needs of the others and there’s no resolution and no answers. And just to try and preempt - this isn’t a ‘not wanting SC’ issue - I also have a SD and we get on like a house on fire and have a lovely relationship. I just don’t know where we go from here or what happens next.
Sorry for the length of this; believe it or not I’ve only just scratched the surface 🤦‍♀️ just needed to get it all out somewhere really.

I have a child with AuDHD.

she was one of a set of twins.
her teenage years were… tricky.

agree this is not a step issue.

it’s very hard.

no advice.

Has he received support or counselling? I work with children with behavioural issues and a significant number of those with an ADHD diagnosis have experienced childhood trauma. It sounds very likely he may have done if he was removed from his mum and she had issues with drugs and alcohol.
I would be trying to get him into therapy at the same time as moving out with your children so that they can have a childhood not walking on eggshells or traumatised by his behaviour.

He has had music therapy but completely refuses normal/talk therapy. He has no problem either totally disengaging and sitting in silence or (equally as likely) making up some absolute nonsense. The lies are constant.
Re moving out - this is what I mean about the needs of SS directly conflicting with the needs of the others. My DC and DSD adore each other; I would hate to lose DSD (and hopefully vice versa!) and my DC have a great relationship with OH; we have a shared child who would miss so much time with her dad…but equally living with SS feels like throwing them under the bus, ALL the time, especially when he repeatedly crosses boundaries around the girls’ privacy and personal space and then argues about it when pulled up on it. It’s all just a mess.

My dc went to talk therapy at 13.
she was unable to engage. It was simply too scary.

she tried again at age 19 and did get something out of it.

Is there anywhere else that he can go to on a regular basis to give the rest of you some respite?
My oldest stepson is the same age and was on a similar path, but didn't go as far along it but was very definitely on that road. Something we found helped him a lot was getting other men in to do things with him, his grandad (who is a very strong character) would get him to help him do work to his house and pay him. It would give him a focus but his grandad would act as a bit of a mentor- pull him up on his shitty behaviour but have old school man-to-man chats. Another family friend would do the same taking him mountain biking. It gave the rest of us some breathing space but also meant he felt he was getting attention and it was always quite grown up things that made him feel respected and mature. It didn't change things over night (and he still had his moments) but it really did make a difference to his behaviour. I work with kids with behaviour issues day in, day out and even I was scared of him but Im not anymore.

Not really any respite, no. He’s with us 100-% of the time. DSD’s mum didn’t want to have anything more to do with him when she and OH split up, which I originally judged her for but tbh nowadays I’m a lot more sympathetic. His nan (on his mum’s side) can’t/won’t have him any more because of his attitude to her, plus he lied about something pretty major and damaging to do with his auntie (who lives with nan) so auntie now wants nothing to do with him and doesn’t want him there at all. MIL is a saint and will have him in a pinch to give OH/us a bit of respite but won’t do it regularly as she has her own commitments and stuff going on and he is exhausting. The lying is also at a point where she’s worried he’ll say something which will cause problems with her job (which is a real possibility although I don’t want to give too much detail as it will be very outing!) so there isn’t really anywhere else he can go.

Do you think he has fetal alcohol syndrome? Would there be more help available for him if he was diagnosed with FAS?

I would consider moving out with your younger children. It's not a good childhood for them.

You can't win in this situation but it certainly reads as if your children are the huge losers here.
They will carry that into adulthood and beyond.
Try and do what you can to correct this, preferably looking at separate homes.
Hard yes, but I think you realise you have put your children through enough over the past 5 years.
Make a change before its too late.
Put them first.
Good luck.

I think you need to remove your children from this situation. There’s no honour in sticking through it, and they won’t thank you for it in the future.

"I’m kind/neutral to him but can’t engage on any deeper level; OH has persevered for years but is also increasingly worn down by the whole thing and wants less and less to do with him"

He's 14 fgs, he's struggling, AuDHD youngsters/adults have massive challenges in negotiating their world.

With the both of you washing your hands of loving parenting, how is he supposed to cope?

I really feel for you. It’s a horrible situation. I agree above that he probably needs unconditional love and to feel secure. No child is inherently bad.
Could you arrange some family therapy as it’s affecting you all including your SS and this ‘blended’ family isn’t working.

Interesting that your DH started again twice. I think you were naive to get involved and especially so to have a child with him.

I would move out and not look back

I feel really bad for all of you, but especially the children who have no say in any of this.

Your SS sounds incredibly hard to live with, but also like he needs a lot of support. It must be very hard for him too.

But in your shoes, I'd prioritise my children and move out. It's not fair to make them live in this environment because of your relationship with your husband. Their right to a calm, safe, and happy home outweighs any adult desire to live with their partner.

You wouldn't necessarily have to break up, but living apart sounds like the best option for your children.

If you have a good relationship with your stepdaughter, you could offer to allow her to spend some time at your home too. This would give her some respite and would leave your husband with time to concentrate on supporting his son with his difficulties one-to-one.

This sounds awful.

Would it be possible for DH and DSS to move out for a while?

A nearby 1 bed flat maybe? not ideal and expensive but all of you sound so unhappy.

Without being patronising, your compassion for this child is heartening.

Haven’t read the full thread - have you tried meds for his adhd?

This is what I’d be looking into too.

Agree 100%, OP your DSS has FAS or Foetal Alcohol Syndrome-the AuDHD diagnosis is just a piecemeal diagnosis and if nothing was ever put in place when he was a toddler, then it's pretty much too late now. You can try and make sure your DSS engage in music/play/craft therapies but you have my sympathies OP, my stepdaughter also has FAS and you have to manage expectations. FAS comes with mental disabilities, very poor impulse control and as I said unless supporting therapies are put in place at a young age, it's almost impossible to manage once they reach teenage hood. My DSD still steal stuff from me, she'll never change but on the other hand she is a sweet kid, at 17 we can have interesting conversations and she has just started reading for pleasure, which with dyslexia and the fact she left school at 16 with no qualification is quite rewarding.. However in your situation OP and with a boy, I would be concerned for the safety of all family members as other posters suggested you may need to remove your children from danger. ;(

So FAS is not a definite, however it is near enough 100% that mum was smoking weed throughout pregnancy and while bf - I don’t know if that has the same effect as alcohol or not but it surely can’t do any good.
For the poster who said about starting again twice: OH had a ONS with SS’s mum when very young and stupid; he was then married to DSD’s mum for years. I do totally agree that I was incredibly naive though!
SS is very articulate and very good at manipulating situations so it took me a good few years to become more and more disillusioned as I saw the lies and manipulation in action.
To those saying move out/OH & SS move out - we have discussed this at length. It just seems so rubbish when the blend as a whole works so well in pretty much every other way :( and while it would help in giving my older DC a break, we still wouldn’t be able to see OH without SS there anyway…OH would have to come here still (or we go there/go out) to see toddler/for DSD to see toddler & my DC so then we’re just back in the same position.
@anterenea the point you make about safety is a HUGE worry for me as SS goes into puberty. I don’t think he’s malicious at all, but he appears to have absolutely zero comprehension of appropriate boundaries etc (which has become increasingly apparent as he’s got older but his maturity/understanding hasn’t) and he is SO good at justifying his wants to himself in order to let himself off the hook and not have to take responsibility/accountability for his actions. It’s a massive concern for both me and OH, especially with an essentially nonverbal child in the house.
I really appreciate everyone’s comments and suggestions. It’s such a shame as other than this we are so good and there is so much love and happiness in the blend…SS just sends the whole thing sideways. And then I feel terrible because he must feel so left out…but he never used to be; he’s only left out now because the others (including SD) are finally tired of having their stuff stolen or broken or ruined or having him coax them into weird power trip games where he gets to order them about :( so it’s his own doing and his own making (and not for lack of trying - as I said, OH has spent years working on it with him but it’s made no difference).
Gah :(

Honestly it sounds like it would be best for all the children even the toddler for you guys to have separate houses.

All the other children and yourself and your stepdaughter if you were willing could get genuine rest from step son.

Also step son could get some serious one on one which may help or may not but it’s got to be worth a shot.

For whatever reason ss has issues and those issues are either not fixable or he hasn’t been given the support and help he needs but that doesn’t stop him being a risk to the other children.

You Need to protect your children and as sad as that is sometimes that means not living with their other parent or sibling.

I am in exactly the same boat. 2 SS, no mum involvement. Get on with 1 amazingly but having the worst time with the other. Told husband today I am stepping back from any patenting with him. But can’t understand how this is possible when husband works v long hours and I am the main carer.

we have even discussed finding his birth mum, who hasn’t been involved for 11 years, just so we can get some respite

sorry you are going through it and I have no advice, it’s tough, I understand

What support does he receive for his attachment difficulties, ADHD and autism? How much life story work has he had to deal with the trauma of his mum leaving and then dying?

Does your OH spend much independent time with his son? It sounds as though a lot of your SS actions are a big cry for attention. He may also be feeling some jealousy to his younger siblings and step siblings?

Perhaps your OH and SS would benefit from a shared hobby or a soul searching trip? It might help your SS open up a bit to the one person he is closest to, and it might give you and the rest of the family a bit of time without him around.

I don't think moving apart is necessarily the right answer, as that could be really disruptive in other ways, not to mention expensive. But finding ways for you and the family to have some time apart from SS would be good.

Does your SS have his own space in the house?

What are you doing putting your kids through this? Assuming you have no shared children, of course you need to put your kids first and leave.

Funny how these men always manage to be working such long hours.🙄Away from the hard toil of rearing THEIR troubled children.

This is very well put. You can’t sacrifice your own children’s childhoods, privacy, safety, for someone else’s child’s troubles. You can’t.

They have a shared toddler. But that child deserves a safe, happy home and they aren’t currently getting it.