Feeling threatened

[Owenspannas]

Hello. I’m looking for advice from someone who has been in a similar situation. I have a step child who we see regularly. The relationship between my husband and his ex-wife is incredibly hostile. I’ve tried to act as the mediator between them as much as possible but ts backfired. My step child’s mother has accused me of interrogating her child when all I did was ask her (once!) where she was off to on her holidays this year. I messaged the mother to say how much this had upset me, that I’d never interrogated a child and that I’ve always tried to put her child first. To be clear, I sent one text, I wasn’t abusive or threatening - just sad.

She replied (to my husband) saying if I ever message her again she will report me to the police, social services, cafcass, etc for harassment. I now feel really uncomfortable. I can’t see me ever having a need to contact her again, in future I will ignore any unfair accusations that come my way, I just don’t feel happy being threatened like this. Can I do anything other than log the behaviour? I think I’ll need to step back a bit from my stepchild as I don’t feel very safe with threats hanging over my head and I’m scared of doing something “wrong” again 😞

It sounds like you both need to calm down, you both have very extreme reactions.

I have to say it would completely piss me off if someone randomly appointed themselves mediator between me and the dad to my dc, it’s probably had her back up for a while and this tipped it over.

This.

Just be normal.

If the ex objects to anything you do, it's your DP who deals with it.

It's not your place to try and act as mediator as for a start, a mediator is someone who is neutral and objective and you never would or could be.

I didn’t appoint myself as that, cafcass did and I’ve had enough of it!

You weren't appointed as a mediator by Cafcass.

Cafcass appointed a biased mediator between two parents? I’d be fucking raging at the situation and would definitely have solicitors involved to put a stop to that!

no wonder she has a short fuse with you.

The Cafcass employee who dealt with their case suggested I should be an intermediary between them. Mediator probably isn’t the right word, all the legal jargon leaves me confused. Basically she would speak to me rather than her ex, I wasn’t there trying to sort out disagreements between them.

Me and his ex-wife had good communication until she said I was interrogating her daughter. We’re not friends but we’re certainly civil. I don’t think she was pissed off by the idea of speaking with me rather that her ex-husband over plans for her child.

Step back and stop playing messenger.

There is absolutely no reason for you to have contact with this lady.

You should have never been asked to be an intermediary between the parents and need to step back from that role ASAP.

That was a really bad decision by cafcass. You are not independent. She clearly has concerns about questions you ask her child so you should probably just step back and leave it to your DH.

Just don’t get involved with her, and I say that as a step-parent myself. Our situation is a bit different, as my husband doesn’t have a hostile relationship with his ex-wife, but even then, I never text her. At all. We got each other’s numbers for life and death situation but anything day to day that needs sorting is between them.

I care for DSC when she’s here with us and help with occasional drop-offs or whatever else needs doing, but generally, I stay out of the communication and conflict. That protects everyone.

Getting involved directly will only dig you into a big, deep hole that you may struggle to get out of. Let your husband deal with her. If they can’t resolve things calmly, then they should seek professional help, such as a trained mediator.

And most importantly, don’t give her any ammunition to use against you.

You shouldn’t of got involved, big mistake

I think I’ve just been overly optimistic thinking there could be a civil relationship between them. There’s a lot of history and a lot of wrong doing on both sides. It felt like a lot of pressure with Cafcass and the independent psychologist suggesting that I could bridge the gap between both parents and it’s obviously not worked out.

My step child is lovely. They get on well with my own children and there aren’t really any issues. I was so upset to be accused of interrogating them when I’ve done everything I can to make them feel safe and welcome. I’d never interrogate a child or be cruel or unkind in anyway. I shouldn’t have messaged their mum though, I can see that now. I just thought I could maybe clear the air between us.

I just ended up scaring myself when she threatened me with police and social services and things. I’ve since googled and one text message, with no threatening or abusive content, would never be classed as harassment so I feel a bit calmer.

I’ll just stick with trying to keep all the children happy in future and forget about the adults involved.

It's not your role to calm their chaos.

Step back, focus on you and let them sort out their stuff.

Good luck!

@Owenspannasi have had the same sort of threat to me. If I ever try speak with her, she’s ringing the police. Not sure what the police would do exactly but I’ve come to the conclusion she’s raving mad so leave her to be jealous and miserable and crack on with my own life! Try not think any more of it and don’t get involved! Good luck xx

Stop being used.
Stop being involved.
Block her number.
You are not this childs parents.
Stop being involved.
Let the parents solve things.
Parent your children and refuse any further involvement.
It reads as if you are another skivvy aupair being used by them both.
No one can force you to take this role.
Protect yourself.