Partner's daughters blanking me after three years (intermittent but still painful)

[DiscoHippo]

My partner and I have been together for nearly four years. He's got three daughters aged 18, 23 and 24, and has been a single father to the youngest two for nine years, after the marriage collapsed. His ex-wife is an alcoholic, and he worked away (aviation) so it was dreadful for the children, who were neglected, and actively put at harm (driven around drunk, for example). Both parents were at fault; I'm not putting my partner on a particular pedestal in that regard, and I don't know everything that happened in their marriage. The two youngest have a very fractured relationship with their mother; the last time they saw her, she decided to drink two glasses of white wine to 'prove' to them that she could handle her drink, and they didn't see her at all over Christmas. All three of the daughters are in therapy - the eldest one lives separately with her boyfriend.

But they're a very tough crowd, and even though things have warmed up considerably, particularly after the first year, there are still times when they dictate the dynamic so completely that I'm just left feeling so resentful and angry.

Take this Christmas, for example. I saw them on Christmas Day, and we swapped presents; very thoughtful on both sides. Then, the youngest decided she didn't want me to be in their house because of 'anxiety.' So, from then until tonight (she went back to university today), I wasn't welcome, and we had to do all our socialising and relationship 'stuff' elsewhere, despite us usually doing so at his house (it's bigger than mine, and I have a cat to which he's allergic). My partner runs around doing a lot of things for them both, which I understand is both 'Good Dad Protocol,' but also done to assuage his guilt. Meanwhile, my access to my own relationship is 'seasonally intermittent' when they're home and calling all the shots.

I've told him tonight that from this point forth, I'm pulling back from them completely; no texts, no offers of help or support. I can't give to them if the response is so inconsistent, and sometimes exclusionary. He's taken it well, and is equally as sad and lost about it as I am, though clearly he's got a bigger part to play than I have in the remedying of it all. We have a good relationship, but, as I explained to him, my Christmas and January have largely been quite tough for me, and that being expected to switch into 'normal relationship mode,' now he's dropped her back at halls does not work for me; I am not a puppet, and I am feeling really resentful.

At the same time, I do feel sad for the girls. I can only imagine how vast and complex a wound it is for them to have such an absent and unhealthy mother, and I don't want to punish them. It's not my place, it's not helpful, and I know nothing felt straightforward to me when I was their age - and that was with two present, healthy parents. My partner says that he thinks the youngest, with whom I've had some great times / exchanges, has pulled back because me being around makes her think, 'why can't my mum be nice to me like this?' And I get why that must be difficult. I'm in my mid 40s; to be 18 and navigate maternal rejection must be huge.

So without saying, 'dump him,' - because that's not what I want to do - how best would you navigate this? We plan on living together, and however uncomfortable they felt with that, I wouldn't up sticks and leave my own home just to make them feel okay, so this needs a solution of sorts. They're both eyeing up their futures and will only really (hopefully) come home for holidays and down-time, but as a dynamic, it's not great and I don't know how to protect myself while keeping the door open. And if anyone has any insight re alcoholism and daughters, I'd be really grateful to hear it.

TIA

Unfortunately your partner and his ex have really damaged those poor girls and sadly for you they are not in the right place to have you being around as much as you normally are.
You need to give them space until they are ready and I dont mean never seeing/speaking to them but not being around the house when they're home as much as its still their home and they need to feel comfortable in their home.
You need to forget about moving in until the girls have moved out permanently as doing so when they are so unhappy with the relationship as it is, would destroy their relationship with their dad

Edited as posted to soon

Your partner needs to be responsible for splitting his time and attention between you and his children, and given how damaged and distressed they are, I’d expect him to put them first. I think the decision you have to make is whether or not you’ll be contented with that position or not - because you absolutely can’t make his daughters want or accept your presence in their lives, neither can he, and neither of you should try.

@Hoardasurass I absolutely agree that the parents, between them, have ruined the girls, and I do feel very sorry for them.

The issue with the girls is that there's such inconsistency; the youngest one originally baulked at me completely, for about six months, then she asked me to go round very suddenly one day. I found her in the kitchen, in tears, as she explained how all her dad's previous partners had ended up rejecting her, so even though she liked me, she was terrified to get close to me. We had a massive hug, and I told her that after my dad died, my mum moved on with someone, and even at 32 years old, I was an absolute cow to him because the pain of my dad's loss was sharpened by seeing her happy with someone else, so I understood how she felt. The 23 year old - she was more openly hostile, and is generally a more complicated kid; intense, high-achieving, puts herself under insane pressure. She can be very controlling when stressed; she'll come home and chuck lots of her dad's things out because 'the clutter is driving me mad.' But I helped her with a uni issue she was having, and we talked more openly and reached a similar state as with the younger one, albeit on slightly more formal terms. But we've largely been great since then; I invited the youngest, with her dad, on two of my UK holidays over the past couple of years, and we've had a good time. Lots of lifts requested and given, interesting conversations had, and she even spontaneously slung her arm around me on Christmas Day. Then - nothing.

I wouldn't move in with their dad; it's planned as more of a joint venture to start from scratch and find our own place, so we'd be creating a home together. But how they would fit into that concerns us both. I realise that if we did that, they would feel like they had no identifiable family home that was 'dad only,' and I get that that would be very difficult. But it's my life too.

@sprigatito - they've accepted me before for large periods of time, and we've never had a time like this where they've been so avoidant, so it's puzzling (as well as distressing); it's not a matter of forcing them to do anything that they haven't done at various, and sustained, points in the past. The first year or so was really tough, and I had to follow my partner's lead which was 'don't push them.' So I sat tight and let them eventually come to me. But yeah, you're right - the dilemma for me is whether or not I can accept this position, particularly if we do go ahead and forge more of a shared environment. I genuinely feel for them, and have done a lot to support them, but in all honesty, I don't want to have to creep around my own relationship, or stall its progress because they're like this. I'm on board with letting my partner split his time, and I've never asked for priority over them; I get that they must come first. I like my own time and space sometimes, so I'm not jockeying for position with them. But I just don't see how we'll ever unite on some kind of compromise after the past month. I'm gutted, really.

This is a sad situation. I feel so sorry for those girls. I'm sorry if you've already mentioned it but have they and their father had therapy to start the healing process? It sounds like the four of them really need it.

It must have been horrendous having an alcoholic mother and watching your father walk off out the door for extended periods for his job. They must have very deep feelings of loss and rejection.

Sadly, I know you don't want to hear this but I don't think this is going to be a very happy situation for you long term. It's not an environment in which you will ever be emotionally safe. Those deep wounds are always going to be there and will re-emerge over the course of their lives, and with three DSDs in the mix the ups and downs are likely to be frequent.

They have many more life events on the horizon, which will be major stress points: weddings, jobs, and the complexity of grandchildren. Also one or more of them may want to move back home permanently, which given the level of anxiety they express it is probably inevitable. Can you live full time in this situation?

For you, this does not seem like it will be a happy situation long term and if you move in together there will be no escaping it.

If you want to continue the relationship don't move in together. Moving in would be a huge mistake for you and won't end well.

No matter how much you try to rationalise and support the situation, these are three very emotionally damaged individuals thanks to their parents and that won't change. You will continue to fulfill the role of whipping girl each time the trauma re-surfaces because it's easier to target you, that's not a role I would relish.

Have a very careful think because you've really been given a glimpse of the future this Christmas.

@ThisQuirkyHare - thanks ever so much; that's a wonderfully helpful reply, even though - as you say - it's not what I want to hear. I have some tough decisions to make, I think. I'm 46 so I'm not expecting a relationship without baggage, but it's as though I'm 'stood down' and 'reinstated' according to their heavily entrenched, and traumatic, family dynamic, one which I played no part in creating and don't really want any part in having to dance to now.

The girls are all in therapy, but my partner isn't - even though I think that if he could open up about his guilt, and his part in things, it would be a huge step towards progress. I feel a little irritated that he's not, to be honest, because even if his neglect was more benign than his ex wife's, he works hard to avoid facing any hint that he's culpable for what's happened. I've had therapy for cPTSD myself and am more aware of my boundaries, how I feel when they're pushed, and the need to protect myself.

Life, eh? So sad.

Your update reinforces my view that you really shouldn't move in. The fact that he is avoiding therapy and is not prepared to take any responsibility and work on himself makes me think you're going to be in an even more vulnerable position. I wonder if this is also a big source of his daughter's anger and something they struggle to articulate? Seems like anger towards their mum is acceptable but those feelings towards their dad may feel scary and so they lash out at a third party.

This makes me think you and probably previous girlfriends are the Scape goat by extension for their dad's choices. Easier to get angry and control you than do the hard conversation with their dad.

I really think you would be unsafe emotionally in this environment, both from the girls trauma and your partner's inability to face hard truths. You would be the one who would suffer the most in this toxic dynamic.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position, it is sad but you must put yourself first and protect your own mental health long term. Sometimes the things we want aren't always the best for our wellbeing and it takes courage to face that.

Hi OP - I don’t think this is really about you at all... which doesn’t make it hurt any less. The youngest especially sounds like a pretty textbook product of growing up with addiction in the background: lots of anxiety, push-pull behaviour, wanting closeness one minute and then feeling overwhelmed by it the next. You being a kind, emotionally present woman in her dad’s life is almost bound to stir stuff up for her, whether she wants it to or not. That doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong.

What does feel more problematic is your partner’s response. I get why he’s wracked with guilt and wants to keep the peace, but allowing his adult partner to be effectively barred from his home for weeks is a big thing. Even if it’s framed as “supporting anxiety”, the message it sends is that your place in his life is conditional. That’s not sustainable, and it’s no wonder you’re feeling resentful.

I actually think pulling back from the girls for now sounds sensible, not punitive. You’re not punishing them, you’re just stopping yourself from giving emotional energy where it’s coming back in very unpredictable ways. You can still be polite and kind without offering support, texts, effort etc. That’s a boundary, not a tantrum. You can also be consistent with it.

Your resentment is also really understandable. Anyone would struggle with being welcome only some of the time and then expected to snap back into “normal relationship mode” the second the kids leave. You’re not a robot. Those feelings don’t switch off on demand.

Living together will force this issue one way or another. At some point your partner is going to have to hold a firmer line that you are his partner and this is your shared home.... not in a harsh way, but in a grown-up, grounded way. Supporting anxiety can’t mean erasing adult relationships. Discomfort isn’t the same as danger.

If it were me, I’d stay slightly stepped back for now, and focus more on conversations with your partner about what doesn’t happen again — Christmas being an obvious one. You don’t need to force closeness with the girls or fix anything. Respectful coexistence is a perfectly reasonable goal.

You sound thoughtful and compassionate, but try not to be the only one doing the stretching. This feels workable, but only if your partner does some of that emotional heavy lifting too. Otherwise you’ll keep being sidelined “temporarily”, and temporary has a habit of becoming permanent. As previous poster said, this situation will make you emotionally unsafe if it continues like this.

Oh those poor girls. I would echo what some other posters have said that the issue isn't actually YOU... you are just the weapon the kids are using.

They are messed up from years of abuse (living with an addicted mother and a wish-wash father). When the marriage broke down... did your partner quit his travel job and look after them on his own? Or was he still travelling and they were being bounced around?

Also, how many girlfriends did your partner have between his ex wife and you? It seems that he had multiple from what the youngest mentioned to you early on which is insane given the mindset of those girls.

They are all at an age now where they can drink alcohol, have relationships etc and are probably thinking... what the hell did my parent put us through?

Yeah, it isn't ideal for your partner to basically switch on and off your relationship at a whim especially for now adult kids who will soon have their own lives. But... he really messed them up. This family will always be full of baggage! Only you can decide if the relationship is worth it.

Do you have or want kids OP?

Sorry for late replies! And thanks for such amazing replies at that, too. Loads of insight and stuff for me to think over. It's very appreciated. Individual responses below

@Tickman - no. Now that I'm in perimenopause, I regret that fact more and more, but it's not something that I was perhaps clearsighted and ready for when I had the chance, so it's a sort of c'est la vie feeling. But I do recognise my instinct to want to step in with these girls, and give them something that their own mother doesn't, and I have to try to squash - or moderate - that instinct, as it's not my place, and never will be.

@BudgetBuster - when the marriage broke down, my partner moved out and the middle daughter went with him, and they had a few rental properties before landing in the one they've lived in for four years. The youngest stayed at home until one night, her mother came in, drunk, sat on her bed, told her she loved her then fell off it, utterly sozzled. The kid was eleven. I can't imagine the emotion involved in making that choice. Makes my blood boil even thinking about it. The eldest stayed at home, as she was firmly rooted in the town with regards friends / school / boyfriend. I'm the third in about eight years, but we've been together for 3.5 years, so I'm the most 'certain' of them. But I do see why they're going to view a lot with suspicion. Yep, they are full of baggage, and either I fight to have a place at the table where I still won't have the ability to make any decisions because I'll never be part of it to that degree, or just roll with the familial weather. Or, I leave. Ow. Hurts to even write it down. And I would feel bad for the girls if we broke up, too, really bad. They're variable and quite often, frankly, pains in the bum, but I understand why, and really wish they'd had a better start in life.

@thestepmumspacepodcast - thank you for your awesome reply; made me feel very understood and seen. Yeah, my partner is far more the problem than they are; he really pushes back any criticism by acquiescing to everything they ask for, much of which is a 'test' for 'how much do you love me, dad?' So, lifts home at midnight, driving all over the country to watch the middle one's sporting games, letting them walk all over him and verbally abuse him...as long as they don't turn their venom on him, he thinks he's doing a good job. I've pointed this pattern out to him and he just goes, 'right,' and descends into silence. Every time I suggest a little change of tack, he'll say things like, 'well, let's just see how it goes next week / month / year.' He doesn't want to face up to the guilt and shame he must feel, and he quashes their ability to constructively express it (though he does pay for therapy - none for him, though; he says he doesn't need it....ho hum). The youngest finally responded to a text I'd sent about five weeks ago, so I left her unread for a couple of days, then sent a slightly more muted reply than I'd ideally like to. But I've got to squash this instinct I have in me to give endlessly, because I'm the only one who ends up hurting when it's not reciprocated - and it's also unfair to place a reciprocal expectation on them; I can see that more clearly now. 'Discomfort isn't danger' are words to live by, thank you!

@ThisQuirkyHare - I think you're absolutely right re the daughter's anger; his refusal to really cater to their emotions is an issue here. And so their mum remains the villain, which forces them into this asymmetrical loyalty with their dad. I don't think they're scared of being angry at him - they're often pretty vile to him - but they've got themselves into a pattern where they're nasty, he rolls over even more. So neither parent gives them any decent traction for their feelings. Even writing that all down makes me feel uncomfortable.

I do have a reasonably independent life, including going away by myself - which I adore. My partner knows he's welcome for a portion of that time, but that I need the majority of it to myself. The more I lean into that bit of my life, the better I feel, the more I feel that even if everything did go tits up, I would be okay. It's easy to lose sight of yourself in these dramas - you're all right; look after myself first. There's a lot I'd love to do for - and be to - those girls, but those feelings are perhaps more safely aimed at myself, or others I love who can more readily accept them.

@DiscoHippo I'm glad some of my suggestions have been helpful.

The question I often ask my Dad clients is What would you do here if you weren't trying to compensate for anything? It can offer a lot of clarity!