What IS the role of a stepparent?

[norwaytoday]

i know it’s been done to death. Just wondering what a stepparent actually should be doing?

1. stepparents have a parental role. They should cook, clean, wash, do school drops and pick ups. They should share the parenting load with their spouse. They should financially support their stepchildren.
2. stepparents should only have to make their stepchild feel welcome, loved and valued. They can do fun things with them, but “caregiving” is not expected

do these answers change if the stepparent has children or is childless?

what do you do for your stepchildren?

Every stepparent role is different because every family is different.

DH was widowed when DSS was a toddler. My ex saw our girls 2/3 times a year (his choice) after he left when they were less than a year. When we moved in together the kids were 6, 5 & 5. Given there wasn't weekends with the other parent or any parental involvement from elsewhere it was natural that we had quite a lot of parental style involvement with our respective step kids. They're now late 20s now and I've been "Mum" to DSS since he asked when I was 10. That was supported by his maternal grandparents who felt his Mummy would have approved. My girls have called DH by a nickname for a similar period of time.

For my SIL for example. She has two teenagers who spend 50/50 with her and their dad. Her new partner is in the military and therefore away a lot. It wouldn't be remotely appropriate for him to start playing a full on parental role.

I think that a lot of issues with step parent families stems from the idea that there is a fixed role.

Different things work with different families.
The most important thing is that everyone is treated with kindness and respect.

All families are different. You just have to find something that works best for everyone without making someone worse off.

Great question and one that all step-couples should make sure they're aligned on!

Role Ambiguity is one of the biggest causes of stepfamily (particularly stepmum) stress. There's no set way to really be a stepparent and the traditional stepmother expectations (often give everything and expect nothing) are not helpful for anyone.

The role will depend entirely on the set up of the family, and the other home (if there is one.)

One thing I see women do over and over is overfunctioning to prove their worth and I work with many women to support them out of that and into a more healthy and rewarding place.

Why do you ask @OP ?

There is no fixed role i don't think. Depends entirely on the family dynamics.

My role is as full time step mum is basically just a mother. Emotionally, financially etc.

He does see his mum now but didn't for a long time so he only had me as a mother figure.

My stepfather had no children when he married my mom. He became my dad when I was 5, raised me like I was his own daughter. Loved me, cared for me, cooked for me, cleaned for me, supported me, taught me how to ice skate and play chess. He helped put me through university and paid for my wedding. I’m 33 now and my parents are my absolute best friends. I was so lucky. And so was my mom.

Your role is whatever you're comfortable with as an individual, as long as your partner is happy with your approach.

Agree with everyone else. There is no 'should'. The only 'should' is that the step parent should never feel that they do more than the parent, without the parent supporting them.

In our household, we parent together.

So important to point this out @Cgos21 - the amount of stepmums over-functioning and doing more than the parents is insane!

Really depends on the family, there isn’t a set of rules or a manual. For me the priority is that the kids feel secure and seen and treated fairly.

I've been a stepmother for about 20 years now and I still really have no idea. I've just been muddling on as best I can....

I have SC. I am a loving, caring adult in their life but I do not parent them as they have two parents already. I am not involved in their school life for instance, or healthcare etc but I do wash and cook for them, I do their stockings for Christmas but DH will do main presents, I give them lifts to their friends, drop them off at their sports activities when needed. Everyone is happy and it seems to work.

I think generally, society expects option 1 for step mothers and 2 for step fathers.

I sometimes feel like I’m holding my breath a lot of the time. Scared to put a foot wrong, which I doubt my DH feels towards his DC’s as it’s more of a natural relationship and not “worked on” as much as step-parenting

I've been a step-mam for 20 years now (we're both women).
My role was probably a mixture of both your options. I saw myself more as an aunty/fairy godmother type rather than being another mum figure.
What I was very clear about from the get go was that we couldn't give wriggle room for the kids to play us one against the other. It definitely helped through the teen years!
Now we are way beyond those years and our joint household money has seen them through uni and into home ownership. So yes, definitely a mixture of both.