Ex-step-parent - experiences?

[Clavella]

My partner and I are separating after six years. We have a DC aged two. His DC are ten and seven so I’ve been in their lives a long time.

It’s going to be a relief to separate, but I’m sad to think I’ll lose contact with SC.

Has anyone been in this position? Did you try to keep in contact?

Is it amicable?

No, not really. I’d have liked it to be but he’s making things very difficult. I can’t imagine he’d allow contact unless he needed babysitting on a rare occasion.

How is your relationship with their mum? Might she be happy to arrange things with you so that her dc could spend some time with their half sibling and you?

Well then very unlikely sadly a relationship will continue with the children

Does the 10yo have a phone? Or do you know their mum well enough to give your number and maybe a letter to say they can contact you any time and you'd love to hear from them?

I was with my ex for 5 years, he had one DS, he was two when I first came into his life and 7 when we split. He made a visit to my new house so he could see something tangible to make sense of why I wasn’t at our house anymore.

Never saw him again after that - it’s sad but what’s the alternative? Continue contact and then what if it happens again? How many exes would they be having contact with?

I would imagine they’ll end up spending time with DC on their dad’s time (we haven’t agreed a contact schedule yet).

Oldest does have a phone but I expect ex-P will delete my number. Realistically I expect he’ll have a new girlfriend soon to play happy families with.

It’s really sad to think they’re just gone from my life.

Did you have any children together?

Sounds really hard, suppose you could offer babysitting so you might get irregular contact and continue to give birthday/Christmas presents so they know your still thinking of them if he’d give them to the children.

I was thinking I could send birthday cards / presents to their mum’s house. She would be happy for that I think.

I don’t know how amicable things would be for babysitting but I think he’d call me in an emergency, if he didn’t have a new girlfriend to rope in. Impossible to predict I guess.

I taught the younger one to swim and have taken him to his sports club since before he can remember. I taught the oldest to read in lockdown. I’ve still got their little first milk teeth in a box somewhere. It’s so sad to think that my place in their lives is over.

No - suppose that’s the difference isn’t it. Sorry forgot about that!

You need to consider what is in your step DC’s best interest. If your step DC want to keep in contact, I would think it would be positive to have some occasional contact, better than feeling like you have just abandoned them. Perhaps your ex and their mum might be amenable to occasional visits if you offer school holiday childcare for a few days…

Although you don’t have any automatic legal right to contact as a step parent if you don’t have parental responsibility, you do have a legal right to ask the court to consider making a child arrangements order for contact. They will consider what is in the children’s best interest. If the DC want to maintain a relationship, they may order contact, although it would probably only be a few visits a year. You must apply to the court within 3 months of the child ceasing to live with you though.

Thank you. I don’t think court orders would be appropriate, as they have two involved parents already. I guess I’d like to have occasional contact. SC have loads of extended distant relatives who send Christmas and birthday presents so I guess I’ll become one of those.

Do you have any kind of relationship (positive!) with the mother of your step children?

Sending 💐 this sounds tough x

We are on polite terms but not friends. Often in the past I’ve been the mediator between him and her; she knows how difficult he is. Realistically she won’t want to get involved in any way that’d put her in his firing line, which I understand.

In that case, I would certainly not want to be babysitting for someone like this. Your son will see his half siblings and that’s important (what will be the split with your ex)? I imagine there’s been a lot of drama preceding the split and I think all kids will be more relieved by the end of all that than anything else.

I'm in a different position as didn't have any DC with EX H so had no need to keep seeing them, but they're your child's half siblings so when things have settled I'd try and arrange for them to still see each other if I were you, at a park eg or presumably when he has contact with your DC?

I left them all letters saying how much I loved them and all my favourite memories with them and how it had been a joy to watch them grow and my door is always open. I have sporadic contact with ex DSS who will be 14 now on social media, this was 4 years ago we split. It took me longer to get over them than to get over ExH. Sending you support and strength.