I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone.
I feel like we are living under a cloud of someone else’s insecurities all the time. On eggshells waiting for disapproval and intrusion. And when it comes, it is always via the SDC, who don’t understand the context and caught in the crossfire. I feel so sorry for them and DH spends most of his time feeling anxiously trying to protect them from being exposed to this stuff. The stronger unit DH and I become the worse I think this gets. How do you deal with this?
background and tw: this comes across like I am very judgemental. I’ve tried to stay neutral and objective and just be an observer. I am on civil terms with everyone in this scenario and I just want the best for the DC
I met DH after he was already divorced. His ex wife initiated the divorce and has also since remarried. DH and ex have children (as do myself and her new husband) and we bring them up collectively on equally split parenting time.
DH ex has a lot of her own demons from what I gather from other people. She is quite insecure and from what I pieced together, was a bit of an emotional terrorist to DH. He wasn’t allowed to watch TV shows or movies with attractive females in or socialise with any females, if he did accidentally she would silent treatment him. DH is a shy man, who doesn’t have an abundance of confidence with women and only ever had 3 romantic partners (two of whom he married 😂) so he isn’t a cheating adonis that I have ever deduced. I appreciate she might have a different perspective on this and maybe he’s a prick, but I’ve never had any reason to not trust him. DH says that she was open that other men had hurt her in the past which is why she was suspicious of DH when they were together
Ex Wife also has an eating disorder (she actually looks unwell atm), and some unhealthy issues around alcohol (binge drinking until she passes out at events and every day low level drinking and blurting shit out to the DC when tipsy)
She does use the children as her emotional pawns, she tells them things they shouldn’t know. She burdens them with pressure and guilt about her feelings.
I do have empathy as she is afraid of them growing up - who wants their kids to get older right? But they do get older, so you have to process this.
Ex wife absolutely despises DH’s family and will often punish the SDC for their emotional attachments - I.e. mum gets jealous of time they spend there. I understand this too - it must be hard to feel warm about people you don’t like and be worried about your DC spending time there.
She is clingy and intrusive with our life, always wanting to be involved and included with the DC when they are with us.But when the DC are with her, she never reciprocates in return.
The SDC are often anxious, paranoid and insecure 😞. They find friendships challenging and struggling with adjusting to changes. They worry about their mum constantly, and are often adapting their behaviour or choices with her in mind. They will say I can’t do that mum wouldn’t like it. they also worry about their food intake. One of the SDC recently got upset and said they felt under a lot of pressure at mums, there is negative energy about things that they like at dad’s house and a hard push to develop the same interests as mum.
Just feeling the pressure today for the poor DC sorry