DSD5 mum has barely seen her over Christmas

[Steppinguptostepmum]

Hello,

My DSD lives with us Sunday - Wednesday/tuesday (one week 3 days, one week 4 days) and is with her mum Wednesday/thursday - Saturday.

Shes always been a bit flakey with her time with DSD. She has asked for extra days quite regularly, often due to “work” but turning up to pickup the next day clearly from a night out. She will schedule work on days she has DSD and then tell DH that she can’t have DSD as her partner refuses to watch her on his own.

This Christmas we’ve had DSD from the 19th -22nd, then Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day night until now (2nd January). Her mum did have her on the 30th (5pm) and dropped her back off at 8am on 31st. She also text DH at 7pm saying she was really tired and could she bring DSD back (after only 2 hours with her). She has now sent DH a text saying she is going to a concert with her sister and will pick DSD up tomorrow instead of 4pm today as planned. She had already changed this from the normal 9am pick up as she was out shopping with her sister.

She will have her tomorrow (saturday) and drop her back Sunday for the 4-day week, ie Sunday to Wednesday

I feel really sad. I don’t have any issue with DSD being here and we’ve tried to make Christmas nice for her, and the other children. She seems to have really enjoyed it - she’s 5 so really into Christmas this year! But sometimes when she cries she will say “I want my mummy” and will ask when she’s seeing mummy. DH has stopped telling her specific days now as they get changed.

I’m really worried about her emotional development and her anxiety. This isn’t a mum- bashing thread at all btw - I’ve never had a problem with her mum. But I just don’t know what to do help this situation. DH is worried that if he mentions anything it will cause a massive fallout which no one wants.

Any advice?

Not get involved …your DHs business …not yours

I have the opposite problem with my ex husband. Last year he hardly saw our kids at all over Christmas because his girlfriend took priority. The only reason he’s had the kids for a decent stint this year is because his girlfriend has had her kids at the same time. The advice doesn’t change just because the problem is with this child’s mum rather than the dad. You can’t make a parent parent. I have tried to encourage my exh to have his kids more, but there’s always an excuse. I used to argue with him but I don’t bother now because it doesn’t achieve anything other than getting my back up. It’s the same thing here, you can’t make your DSD’s mum step up.

It sounds like you’re a lovely stepmum op.

I think a child who lives with OP for more than half the time is OP's business. But it is DH who will need to have the conversation with the Mum at some point, asking about future intentions and consistency for DSD.
Op is right to be concerned about DSD. Things may return to the usual pattern after the Christmas season is over, or this could be the new normal. DH can't just let this slide, but needs to consider what he thinks the fallout might be. It doesn't sound as if `mum will stop him from seeing DSD, on the contrary. It's not a question of confrontation, but a series of gentle conversations, exploring what's going on.

Maybe your DH needs to suggest he takes a bigger chunk of the custody on an official basis ( based on the % he already had her). This could help with better routine and your poor dad feeling more secure. If she “knows” she will be at her mums Sunday afternoon to Tuesday school and every week, surely that would be better? Seems like the mum prioritises Friday and Saturday night out so could be a work around.

Dh needs to get full custody and the mother to have her on the weekends if she wants that she’ll probably be happy with fornightly weekends by the sounds of things. He needs to sort this out, its not fair on the little girl. You sound like a lovely stepmum op, she will really appreciate you growing up.

Don’t be ridiculous, this child is in her house!
You sound like a lovely SM op and I think all you can do is “mother” her as much as you and she feel comfortable with. The actual mother sounds…tricky, maybe for good reason, who knows? But that little girl has no idea what is going on and she is the priority. I do think your DH needs to address the flaky behaviour though?

Not really true

Ignore the poster telling you it’s isn’t your business, this child lives with you the vast majority it IS your business. She sounds like a crap Mum who doesn’t care at all. Your DH should pursue full custody and his ex can have fortnightly visitation. Your Step add needs routine and structure and it sounds like you and her father are best placed to provide this. Make sure you sort out proper maintenance from his ex, if she isn’t capable of physically doing her part for her daughter then she can at least pay her fair share.

This is tricky. DH could be firm and not take her more than on his days, but they leaves SD being with her mum when she doesn't really want her.

I don't think mum should get away with saying she's tired after just 2 hours though.

Your DH is the one who needs to speak to her about the effect of constantly changing plans on his daughter.

How terribly sad for your DSD - only 5yo and such a low priority for her Mum ☹️

You're unfortunately probably right and this rejection will have a very significant impact on her.

Best thing you can do is be as awesome and consistent and loving as you can be.

Makes my heart break though.

This was exactly my situation about 15 years ago. I could’ve written it word for word.

I’m afraid in my case, DSC’s mum never got any better. It doesn’t seem to have caused DSC any long term damage because DH and I always kept a stable home for them. Now DSC is an adult and we have a very close relationship which I cherish. Their relationship with their mum is not great and they now have the measure of her without me or DH ever having said a bad word about her. I won’t lie, it is vindicating. Took about a decade of putting up with utter nonsense from DH’s ex but we’re in a good place now.

I think I would give it January and see if it settles back down now the festive period is over, but if it continues to be so unpredictable I would have to suggest DH asks mum what could be done to help make it more routine.
Does she come to you Sunday mornings? I wonder if mum might be more consistent if she has the Saturday night to herself as she seems to like socialising for example.

You sound lovely and this is really sad to read. The poor little girl 😔

I don't think there is a lot you can do. If anything maybe your partner can talk to her, but you unfortunately cannot make someone be a good or present parent. It is so often the dads who do this and it's the same thing - you can't force them to be as involved as you would like. At least she has her almost 50:50, but it is very sad that she seems to want rid of her

Sounds like her mum is struggling with something, but if its a serious issue you need to know in order to get things sorted ASAP, would you feel comfortable in asking her straight out whats going on.

How unpleasant and unhelpful

What a bloody awful sharing arrangement for a little girl . She sounds like she’s never allowed to settle anywhere , shunted around for days at a time . I was a child of divorced parents and thus would have led to so much confusion. She should live with one parent with regular visitation rights from the other. She needs stability .

When my kids were younger and missing their dad (he’s a bit more consistent now but used to be very flakey, still only sees them every other weekend) we used to draw pictures and write letters to him when they were missing him.

That felt like a safe option because there was no expectation of him replying or being involved so I could do it whenever I wanted with a consistent process, and it seemed to reassure them that they had had contact. We had a special important folder in the living room which we kept them in, and then gave them to him every time he came over. He was good about praising them and telling them he loved the pictures. They’ve got nice memories of doing them now.

On more practical terms, I wonder if your husband could offer a regular 4 nights instead of 50/50? Mum might be more consistent if she had less time?

Id also investigate the going out thing a bit more. How much is she drinking and how much of the nights out is dsd exposed to? It’s rare for women to be like this about their kids so I’d be worried that there was underlying drink, drugs, mental health etc causing the behaviour.

Perhaps she didnt bond with her from a baby, maybe she had post natal depression and mum feels guilty and now thinks her daughter doesn't like her or miss her. It is so difficult but try to keep communications open with mum and most importantly try to keep the child in a routine, you're doing a great job though, step parenting is the incredibly hard and I hope your partner knows how lucky him and his daughter are to have you in their lives

Continue to be a safe loving secure home for her.
I think long term it sounds like it would be better if she’s with you more. Your Dh needs to have an honest conversation with her mum about an arrangement that will give her the most security and routine. Offering to have her an extra day a week permanently which includes more weekend nights.
It does sound like she might have some sort of problem with drugs or alcohol.
You sound lovely keep being her safe place and making her feel special.