AIBU to be annoyed about this?

[Chocolatebutton84]

My FIL comes to stay over with us over Christmas each year. This year, he got my DSS12 £100+ worth of gifts and got my DD3 absolutely nothing. They are both his biological grandchildren obviously. There was no mention of anything either - eg I thought you wouldn’t want anymore toys in the house so let me know if she needs something. He had no real relationship with my DSS apart from the past few years either when I’ve encouraged it so not like he’s got a stronger bond with him. If anything, he sees my DD a lot more - although doesn’t buy her anything when she’s here (obviously not that there’s a problem with that - I just mean it’s not like he treats her all the time!)
I genuinely wouldn’t have batted an eyelid if he didn’t get either anything… I just don’t understand and feel really hurt on behalf of my daughter 🤔

Did you not ask him why? Did he buy her gifts last year?

No.. we aren’t close enough for me to do that really. If it was my dad I absolutely would’ve done! And the way the presents were being distributed it wasn’t obvious until I clocked on after really - they had all been under the tree. I don’t think he got anyone anything last year. He’s come into some money recently so he got quite extravagant presents but nothing at all for her 😔

Next year don't invite him. Why allow meanness around your dc?

What did DH/P say about it? It’s not up to you to say anything, he should!

Get a backbone and ask him and don’t invite next year

@Mrsclausemunchingonamincepie thats how I feel!

@somanychristmaslights I actually don’t know if he noticed! FIL has been around all of the time so I haven’t really had time to mention it yet.

@climbintheback to be honest I’m waiting to see what my DH says about it when we get 5 minutes on our own. As I said, it wasn’t noticeable at the time like he didn’t hand the presents directly over to DSS. Me and my mum (who’s house we were at) quietly discussed it and said surely there must be a mistake so we were waiting until we got back to our house expecting a present to appear that he had forgotten. And now it seems weird to bring it up like I’ve been stewing on it for days! My family are also quite a bit better off than DH’s, so it feels a little bit in bad taste to question his present buying, even though I feel justified!

We are going to see FIL’s other grandchildren today so will be interesting to see if they get anything.

I actually don’t know if he noticed! FIL has been around all of the time so I haven’t really had time to mention it yet.

Oh come on that's ridiculous.

Just tell your husband about it.

If anything, your FIL might've forgotten to bring it round and he's now thinking how ungrateful your DD is for not saying thank you.

No idea why you can't mention it to your DH.

Could you son have inadvertently opened something that was meant for your daughter?

Many years ago my df visited close to Christmas.. As he left he muttered he had left the dc's gifts behind the sofa.
Later I moved them - 3 selection boxes...
I had 4 dc. Of which I reminded him. Apparently that was fine as the youngest didn't eat chocolate..obviously nothing in the shops but that.
Haven't seen him since the year 1999.

I think there's been a mistake and you should address it sooner rather than later. Maybe your SS opened the presents that were for both children. Maybe your DD's presents are still in FIL's house or somewhere in your house unnoticed or have been mixed up with other grandchild presents. Whatever it is, you won't know until you ask.

If your family are better off on your side, could he have been evening up an unfairness?

Well exactly there could have been a mix up or something left at home as a lot of you are saying! That was my first hope/thought. But equally it’s very difficult to address as I can’t just go ‘oh where’s her present?’ In case there really wasn’t one!

I genuinely haven’t been alone with my husband since apart from passing on the landing etc, they were out all day yesterday and my daughter has been poorly so I slept in with her. I’m also pregnant and unwell so not feeling very festive and have been trying to escape where possible 😂 I also suppose I am quite sensitive to coming across too critical of FIL. Both of DH’s parents are pretty terrible parents, which he admits, but it is the polar opposite to mine, so I don’t like to criticise them without following his lead if that makes sense. Maybe I do just need to grow some balls!

Sadly the presents definitely weren’t meant for my DD. SS’s size, personalised gifts and money in a named card. I guess I’m just trying to work out if it’s purposefully spiteful or whether he genuinely has forgotten and go from there.

I’m really glad my outrage is shared though as I wasn’t sure I was being oversensitive. My DH can be a bit of a ‘Disney dad’ with DSS and I’ve really had to crack down on him favouring DSS over DD when he is with us so I wasn’t sure that my hurt wasn’t stemming from that!

@arethereanyleftatall my family treat DSS like their own really, he actually ended up with a lot more presents than DD at ours and obviously had double with his mums too. My mum has spent a lot more time with DSS over the years than FIL so if that was what he was trying to do I’d be incredibly angry!

Children spending Christmas together get treated the same regardless of how they are related, any adult not on board can fuck off and cook their own dinner quite frankly.

due to a family emergency a few years ago we had a random extra cousins with us, myself all the family, with about 36 hours notice made sure she was fully included.

@lunar1 totally agree! But also these 2 are related to FIL in the exact same way so it’s not even like that could be an excuse if he tried 😂

Good God.

Just grab your husband and mention it.

Or send him a text if you really must.

But the excuses are just silly.

@Chocolatebutton84 there have been 2 nights since Christmas Day. Did you sleep in with your DD for both of them? It’s quite hard to believe you’ve had no opportunity to speak to your DH about this in your bedroom privately. especially when you have an adult staying who could watch your DD. Or her 12 year old (half) brother could do so gor 10 mins.

obviously had double with his mums too

It’s not obvious. His mummy have died, she might not have much money, she may not be much of present giver (a lot of selfish, neglectful DMs get written about on the step-parenting board). Doesn’t mean he got “double”. Also he is 12. They are bound to get more than a 3 year old.

But yes it would be v bad form if your FIL got your DD nothing. But until you ask, it’s possible it could be a mistake, so you need to speak to your DH and get him to ask asap.

Typo/autocorrect error: “his mummy have died” should be “his mum may have died…”

@ABoldSubmission yes I slept in with my DD both nights as she has had a bad cough and often is sick when she is coughing.. not sure why these are ‘excuses’ I have been as honest as possible about why I was apprehensive to approach DH about it 😂 especially when FIL is still in the house.

Ok well in our situation he definitely got more than double my DD. That’s not really what this conversation is about though, I’m not talking about how much we should get for my DSS because I’m quite happy in the knowledge we got him enough, I was asking if it was unfair a grandad got one grandchild something and not the other.

ANYWAY, you’ll all be pleased to know I have spoken to DH, I texted him as he was downstairs with FIL😂 he said that when he picked up his dad on Xmas Eve he had mentioned he was going to give us some money to buy something for DD. He hasn’t done, but at least I know he DID think about her in a way and hasn’t intentionally left her out, although he probably could’ve done with telling the rest of us and her when presents were being opened 😂

@Chocolatebutton84 iin case you got confused, it wasn’t me who used the term “excuses”.

im glad it worked out but what a fuss you could have saved yourself by a text two days ago.

I was specifically talking about saying he obviously got double from his mum, not about what you got him. I trust you/your DH/both treated him fairly.

You say here your DD is 3 but in another thread (I remembered your username as my good friend used to have a similar one on here) you said your DD is not 3 until May.

There is a huge difference between 2.5ish and 3, every month in between can bring big developments. I don’t think your FIL telling your DD of 2yrs7 months that he will give her SH money to get her a present would be appropriate. He probably didn’t know what to get her and what she has. 12year olds much washed to get personalised presents for.

@ABoldSubmission wow, you really have a bee in your bonnet about me! I changed both ages by one year to try and be more discreet about specifics whilst still keeping the meaning of the post the same with similar ages. I do think my daughter would’ve totally appreciated and understood him going ‘Ive given some money to daddy so you can buy something from the shop’ and I also think it would’ve been good for DSS to see both children were being treated fairly.

I apologise for saying he obviously got double from his mum as this has clearly touched a nerve. I do think if my DSS had a traumatic background with a significant loss or a mum who didn’t treat him kindly I would have mentioned this, as this would’ve made more sense to me about why my FIL would’ve wanted to spoil him.

I actually posted on here as a sounding board about if I was unreasonable for feeling cross rather than going all guns blazing demanding an immediate conversation with DH, because as I said further up I have been struggling with feeling quite protective of my daughter and wanting her to feel equally as loved by DH. And would’ve quite happily received messages telling me that the toddler wouldn’t understand so it didn't matter etc. So I don’t think I was making an unnecessary fuss, rather trying to gather peoples opinions before I approached the situation 😊

@Chocolatebutton84 nope, no bee in my bonnet about you. I just like facts and dislike manufactured drama that could be easily solved.

I said originally this would be out of order of your FIL unless there’s an explanation, I was clearly on your side there

I hope your FIL gives DH the money before he goes. Don’t be disappointed if it’s way under £100 despite FIL spending over £100 on your DSS: this would be age appropriate rather than favouritism!

@ABoldSubmission I don’t really care if he’s forgotten to give it to him or just gives him £20 to be honest, as long as there’s no weird reason behind him not giving her anything! Problem solved