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Step-parenting

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Original poster

SDs still haven’t seen their mum for Christmas

20 replies

camshaft · 27/12/2025 11:29

I am baffled and at a loss.
both SDs live with us full time, and usually spend 1 night a fortnight at their mums as she’s got a very chaotic life / chose new partner over her existing children and has since had 3 more with him. Her partner has been accused of being domestically violent in the past (we’ve had letters informing us from the police) and my SDs do not go to her house if he is there (court order).

it was her ‘turn’ to have the children Xmas eve/ Xmas morning which she turned down, stating she ‘didn’t have enough money to give them a great Christmas morning’. I translate that to ‘I’ve picked my boyfriend over my children’.

she was meant to have the girls Boxing Day through to Sunday (28th). Boxing Day morning, she messages my partner to say she can’t have the kids as she needs to be on standby for her poorly mother. We have since found out that her sister is doing all the work for said poorly mother. She hasn’t been involved at all. She’s lied about her mum to have an excuse for not having the girls:

we’re now on the 27th and no contact to confirm when she’s seeing her girls….

At what point do you just turn around and tell her to go die under a rock? This is just the latest tale. I am sick to death of having to change my plans to accommodate her shitty behaviour. I have my own 2 DC to think about and my moodiness is not ok. I’m not being a great mum to them I don’t think because I spend so much time pandering to SDs and rearranging plans!

the poor children. How could anyone do that to their own babies?!?!

not sure what I’m asking here but needed to rant to strangers!!!

OP posts:
Bookaholic73 · 27/12/2025 19:34

Rant away, I don’t blame you! This appalling behaviour of their mums part, has she always been like this?

Original poster
camshaft · 28/12/2025 10:27

@Bookaholic73shes always been flaky. Theres been times when she’s gone 7/8 weeks without seeing them. It’s abhorrent.
we’re now on the 28th and she’s still not been in touch to arrange to see them.

OP posts:
FFSToEverythingSince2020 · 28/12/2025 10:35

camshaft · 28/12/2025 10:27

@Bookaholic73shes always been flaky. Theres been times when she’s gone 7/8 weeks without seeing them. It’s abhorrent.
we’re now on the 28th and she’s still not been in touch to arrange to see them.

I understand you must be at your wits’ end, OP. I wouldn’t blame you at all. I would just say to remember that no matter how badly you feel about it, your SDs will feel infinitely worse. Is it right that you have to build them up because their own mum is tearing them down? No. But you do it anyway because you’re a decent person. I recommend developing a more “c’est la vie” attitude, if you can. Don’t wait for the mum to call and change plans; just assume your SDs will be with you for any meals or group activities. Good luck, OP. It’s a terrible situation you’re in, yes, but those kids desperately need both a male and female parental figure, and if it has to be you and DH, then so be it.

EatYourDamnPie · 28/12/2025 10:37

Stop waiting for her. Make your own plans , live your life, keep the girls busy . If she messages and it doesn’t suit, then it doesn’t suit. If it does, then great. How are the girls taking it? How old are thy?

Pineapplewaves · 28/12/2025 10:37

The comment about money suggests that she hasn’t got them a Christmas present and therefore has no intention of seeing them (so she doesn’t have to deal with the shame/embarrassment of having no presents for them). I would stop trying to re-arrange the meet up and wait for her to get in touch if she changes her mind. Maybe she’ll see them in the new year when the present giving window has passed.

pollydollydoodlealltheway · 28/12/2025 10:41

Do you have a good relationship with the girls? I’d scoop them up and be mother to them, it’s what they probably need right now - some love and stability

rainbowstardrops · 28/12/2025 10:42

Those poor children. How old are they? How do they feel about it all?

Iwantsandybeachesandgoodfood · 28/12/2025 10:45

Some people don’t deserve kids. I think you need to focus on your life as a family and stop trying to facilitate her visits. Let her dig her own grave and just be there for the girls when they inevitably deal with the disappointment.

Cat1504 · 28/12/2025 10:45

Just crack on with your life …..she can see her girls when it suits you and DP now

Sometimeswinning · 28/12/2025 10:47

Isn’t there a point where you just sort of think fuck it and do your best (as in you and dh) and get on with life and she needs to reach out and organise stuff. You don’t chase her and if she turns up unannounced let the girls choose.

With a bigger family kids should be able to duck in and out of plans and shouldn’t really disrupt things too much. Especially as there are two of you.

NancyJoan · 28/12/2025 10:52

How awful for the girls. I think the easiest is to expect nothing from her at all. If she wants to see them, and it works with your plans, then their dad should facilitate it, but otherwise, just carry on. Depending on how old they are, they may soon decide they don’t want to see her anyway.

deeahgwitch · 28/12/2025 10:56

Those poor girls 🥲
What a mother to have.
What age are they ?

Original poster
camshaft · 28/12/2025 10:56

The girls are 11 and 9. We have continued with our plans as normal. Boxing Day, I changed the table booking from 4 to 6 and we had a lovely time, eating Italian til we were bursting! Yesterday, we had friends round with their kids and they performed a dance show for us. They have been a bit sad this morning but when questioned the eldest said ‘I’m fine’ and she’s now playing fifa 26 with my son.
I try to treat the girls the same as I treat my own children. They don’t really open up to me about their mum as I do think they’re embarrassed by her behaviour. The youngest makes it clear that she prefers to be here than her mums house (the 3 children there are feral and loud apparently). The eldest has more of an attachment to her mum and I’m worried about puberty/ how things will pan out over the next few years

OP posts:
Applecup · 28/12/2025 12:10

camshaft · 28/12/2025 10:56

The girls are 11 and 9. We have continued with our plans as normal. Boxing Day, I changed the table booking from 4 to 6 and we had a lovely time, eating Italian til we were bursting! Yesterday, we had friends round with their kids and they performed a dance show for us. They have been a bit sad this morning but when questioned the eldest said ‘I’m fine’ and she’s now playing fifa 26 with my son.
I try to treat the girls the same as I treat my own children. They don’t really open up to me about their mum as I do think they’re embarrassed by her behaviour. The youngest makes it clear that she prefers to be here than her mums house (the 3 children there are feral and loud apparently). The eldest has more of an attachment to her mum and I’m worried about puberty/ how things will pan out over the next few years

These little girls sound really lucky to have you as a mother figure.

Original poster
camshaft · 28/12/2025 12:54

@Applecup thank you, that’s really lovely of you to say. I try my best. It’s so bloody hard to not go round to the ‘mothers’ house and give her a piece of my mind!!!!

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 30/12/2025 15:20

What a shit mum she is. Those poor girls. But at least they have you and their dad. You sound lovely, and when they are older, they will remember who was there for them.

Original poster
camshaft · 30/12/2025 15:43

Thank you @Ellie56
She messaged my partner yesterday to say she’s struggling with her anxiety and depression, because of her mums illness…. But the fact remains that she LIED about the reason for not seeing the girls in that she was responsible for her mums transport when she is not and never has been. She’s made no commitment to seeing the girls. I’ve had to rearrange some plans that I had with my partner (as we were meant to be childfree on 2nd Jan and now we’re not). I’m just sick of living my life waiting to see what move she’s going to pull next!!! waiting to see what meltdown I’m going to be dealing with the youngest (who has a bad relationship with food and cannot regulate her emotions at all). It’s exhausting.

i personally think my partner should just cut all contact and refuse to drive them to her house. If she wants a relationship with the girls, come and get them from our house as we’re not enabling your shitty behaviour anymore. But my
partner is soooo soft and as soon as she says yes to having them again (whenever that will be), he will do the commute there and back and it drives me up the wall!!!!!

OP posts:
HouseReTurn · 30/12/2025 16:36

Just wanted to say OP, thank you for being a good stepmum. Most stepmothers come
here to complain but you care.
I have very fond memories of my stepmother, who was nicer to me than my own mother and if she was alive today… well maybe I would have a mother figure in my life.
So thank you for caring about these children and good luck with them in the future.
No practical advice, sorry.

Original poster
camshaft · 06/01/2026 14:50

Update: she’s still not seen them !!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
camshaft · 06/01/2026 14:51

@HouseReTurnthanks for the comment. I do hope they have fond memories when they’re older. They don’t really appreciate me at present. I’m just ‘there’ and often ignored!! But we take deep breaths and we keep going 😊

OP posts:
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