How to break down walls and become more equal

[SwanSong30]

DH and I have been together for 15 years. He has a DD17, I have DS19 and DS16. The boys with live us, DSD lives with her mum. We have an ok relationship. I wouldn’t say we are super close, she can be a closed book at times and it’s hard to break it down. She’s polite and will speak when I speak to her, but she’ll never instigate a conversation or be super chatty. I message her regularly and she will leave them unread for days at a time then replay one/very basic word responses. I think of and buy all her birthday and Christmas presents but she never thanks me or talks about them with me, she will thank DH though. She is close to DH, they have a good relationship which is lovely. I actively encourage them spending time 1:1 as well as us all as family.

When DSD stays with us, DH dotes on her. He will take her on trips and activities out, he’ll make her anything she wants food and drink wise and he never, ever pulls her up on anything that could be considered remotely negative…in essence, he hates to say no to her and wants to be fun dad - until she returns back home. He treats my DS’s differently. Day trips and activities don’t really happen, they are expected to make their own breakfast and lunch (although he will cook their evening meals). He can be very negative about certain behaviours and will pull them up and tell them off instantly. This has happened since we met and the difference in treatment has been commented on many a time by the boys and myself.

I would love to have a closer and more meaningful relationship with DSD, my offers to take her out are generally rejected unless her dad comes too then I sometimes feel like a spare part rather than an active part. I’ve spoken to DH about this so many times but he doesn’t come up with suggestions or speak to DSD about it. I’d like all 3 DC to feel equal in our house instead of DSD being put in a pedestal.

how do I breakdown her walls and build a deeper relationship with her? Will all 3 DC ever be equal?

You’ve let your boys be second class citizens in their own home since they were toddlers?

I’d argue there’s no point in trying to improve this tbh, the damage has been done.

DSD doesn’t seem to like you, so I’d stop trying there. why do you even want to get close to DSD?

DH sounds like a horrible Stepdad to your kids.

All of this.

What on earth, OP?!

Your husband treats your kids poorly and you've somehow convinced yourself that if you can just win the heart of his daughter, he'll see that he should stop?

And instead of protecting your boys from his unreasonable treatment of them, you're now chasing after his daughter as well?

She doesn't want you in her life not matter how nice you are, and it seems your boys are stuck with your husband even though you all agree he treats them unfairly.

Honey WHY did you start doing all the thinking of and buying the presents for your step daughter? I don't suppose for one minute that your husband reciprocates with your boys, does he?

Your husband is so lazy, letting you do the grunt work and not being fair to your children about days out and reprimands them at will.

Why do you buy all her presents? If her Dad dotes on her and loves being with her, why doesn’t he choose and wrap all her gifts?

I’d draw back a bit from this, stop messaging her, she doesn’t seem to value this interaction.

on the behaviour, and disparity of treatment it’s tough. I think this happens because the resident children are there all the time, they are held to a general daily standard and it’s applied consistently. By contrast DSD is really like a guest, and hosts tend to treat guests differently, they don’t tell them off or pull them up in the same way, they are temporary and special, and when they leave the household returns to normal. Unfortunately DSD is not a guest but that’s the dynamic.

We have it too with SC, I reckon lots of blended families do. It leads to being a bit on edge when the SC are with you, none of you act as naturally and you’re slightly, secretly, relieved when they leave. it depends how miserable it makes you and your DC as to whether you put up with it or call it out. But then the “guest” might choose not to come and stay again of course which would be sad for your DH.

I'd be far more concerned about your husband's poor relationship with your boys.

Why haven't you challenged him more robustly, and why have you let this go on for so long?

Yabu to think that this will change now. The behaviour has been going on for decades and will continue for decades more.

The reality is that sd comes to your house to see her dad. If you and him broke up tomorrow, she’d probably never see you or your sons again. I’m not saying that there’s something wrong with you but the dynamic where she will enjoy being treated like a special princess by Disney Dad and see your sons treated second class. Her dad will enjoy this too.

The time to suggest the change would have been when you moved in, not when your h and his dd will have an established dynamic that they are happy with. Why would you h change his behaviour now when you’ve tolerated it for over a decade? Your kids have never been equal to his dd why do you want to change that now?

Also why do you keep messaging his ex wife? Leave that to your h - her behaviour demonstrates that she’s rather only here from him. There are no magic words that will make her warm up to you in the same way that there are no magic words or shopping trips that will make sd like you more. Be your usual kind self and stop trying to get their approval when they are happy with the cordial
telationship that you already have.

What on earth am I reading here?

Why are you allowing this shit? Your poor sons.

I’d say your sons will be gone without a backward glance as soon as they can.

Just realised that you’re messaging sd. Stop! She’s not interested in being friends with you. You are her dad’s wife and she is happy with a cordial relationship with you.

As pp said work on his relationship with your sons. That’s something that you have a little sway over. Did you really think that sd becoming close to you would make him treat the boys better? I bet your boys think wtf when they see you sucking up to sd too.

Your poor sons. You really need to work on that relationship unless the damage has already been done

Sorry, I meant I message DSD, not the ex wife.

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate your insights. DH and my DS’s do have a good relationship, he is good with them and they really like him. He will pull them up for bad behaviour etc just as I would, the difference is that he doesn’t do that with DSD. I have been seen as the disciplinarian throughout DC’s childhood as DH just never told her off or dealt with squabbles etc, and the boys and I picked up on that. He does like to seen as a great dad in DSD’s eyes, and he is to a certain extent but he has unintentionally fed into the lack of relationship between me and DSD though. I certainly don’t suck up to her, I am pleasant and amenable but I won’t bend over backwards to be her best friend when there isn’t any response in return. As for the presents, I buy all presents for everyone so it just made sense that I would do it for DSD.

I would still step back from the present buying OP as a first step. Because your sons can see that you put in all the love and effort to everyone and get precious little back from DSD. Meanwhile your DH does nothing to think about what his daughter would like but gets the thanks and the kudos. So your sons see you being treated like a doormat by your husband, a service person who facilitates the household for both DH and DSD. So DH and DSD hold special status and your sons do not. How about your DH makes the effort and buys all the presents? What would he buy your sons? How well does he know them?

I'd stop worrying about a relationship with a girl who's not interested in you and work on your relationship with your son's or you risk not having a relationship with any of the kids 🤷‍♀️

This is really common OP, and there isn’t really a way to fix it. If your DH was firmer on SD and spent their limited time together correcting behaviour or making her do chores, there’s every chance she’d have stopped visiting.

Just accept it for what it is - your children have had different upbringings in different homes. Keep being nice to SD (but stop messaging her!) and plan nice things for your sons. They’ll all have moved out soon enough.

I could never, ever treat my son like this. I feel so sad for your boys.

Why have you allowed this man in to your home to treat your boys like second class citizens?
My MIL did this to my BIL, the resentment was huge.
The way MILs new dh treated his dcs compared to my BIL was obvious for all to see, BIL got blamed for everything, no matter whether it was his fault or not. We spoke up about it and she did nothing to change it. BIL doesn't speak to MIL now because of it.

Because some women just don’t put their kids first. They can’t cope with being without a man even if it means their children suffer. It’s a shame.

You have bent yourself out of shape for his daughter while allowing your poor children to be mistreated by him for years.
So much so that it has often been commented upon by you and your boys.
He has zero interest in making any effort with them?

You correct yourself when you are rightly pulled up on this by posters and write that they get on well.

You have allowed him to treat your boys as less than from their whole lives.
You are with him since they are 1 and 4.

I wonder how your poor children will look back on their childhood living in such a damaging environment where their mother and her partner put his child first.

Your poor boys.
That young woman has made it very clear that she is not interested, yet you persist.
Your focus should be on your own children whom you have allowed to be treated poorly by a very "negative" person most of their lives.

Your priorities are seriously messed up and always have been.
Why have you allowed them to be criticised negatively and instantly, since they have met this partner?

Utterly shameful behaviour by you that you would allow your boys to be treated like this their whole childhood.

No doubt they are biding their time until they are adults and you won't see your children for dust.
No one will blame them either.
So sad.