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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Help me be better with step mother in law

15 replies

hiddengrace · 13/12/2025 13:44

Hello everyone,
this is my first time posting. I’m looking for advice on how I can change my mindset in regard to my ‘step mother in law’. I have never been particularly close to her but never had any issues with her either. My father in law (DH father) passed away in 2022 after a very prolonged lung issue. He was very unwell for a long time and she always looked after him very well but they did live in Scotland and we are in London so didn’t see them more than 3/4 times a year for long weekends.
although my father in law was ill for a long time and was never going to get better his passing hit her very hard and she is still upset to this day. Though a bit better. He passed away a year before my first son was born to the day. The news of my pregnancy seemed to lighten her grief and I was happy for that. However she quickly decided that she was going to call unborn baby ‘my little bean’ throughout the pregnancy as we hadn’t chosen a name and for a while did not know the sex. I realised during my pregnancy that she never really asked about me, how I was feeling, coping etc but I put it down to how excited she was. She was always talking about how excited she was to be a nana and as she had never mentioned anything like that in the years prior it was obviously nice to hear.
however after my son was born she has only become more fixated on my son and never asks me how I am etc. I am not self obsessed and want lots of attention but my son was early and was in the NICU for a while which was very upsetting and tbh I am probably still getting over it 2 years later. When she first came to visit (DH had to drive 1.5 hrs each way to get her as she has health issues and cannot drive long distances and I was not prepared to travel with such a young baby) she had a sleepsuit for my son saying ‘i love my nana’ and she wore a top that said ‘best nana in the world’ and I really hated it for some reason. I also couldn’t stand it when it was her time to hold him etc. whereas I have never felt this way with my mother or MIL.
My son is now 2 and we have visited her for day trips 2/3 times a year and I have always dreaded these visits and been counting down the time the whole visit. I am now also pregnant with my son and can’t help but notice she is much less excited (but still excited) this time in comparison. She is still very obsessed with my first son and has pretty much spent the last two years trying to get him to say ‘nana’ which of course he can as it’s an easy word but she was liberated in hearing it (though thankfully it was not his first word).
I am not a mean person but I can’t help feeling completely on edge about or with her. My mum tells me I need to try and make an effort as I should just feel sorry for her given she has very little family and we are the only chance she has had of having grandchildren as her son is quite a lost cause for various reasons.
I suppose writing it out now I also don’t feel that bonded with her as I don’t properly class her as family as not blood related. But then I get on very well and do not have any issues with step father in law…
any tips to help me change my mindset and be more open to her in the family? I would hate for my son to pick up on how I feel and would hate for my husband to know either as he is very loyal to family and it’s something I admire and love about him.

OP posts:

ComfortFoodCafe · 13/12/2025 13:48

I think you need to be kinder to her.

BudgetBuster · 13/12/2025 13:58

Oh that's a really tough read.
Personally I found that since my first pregnancy and then having my son... very little people ask about me. It's all about the kids! That's actually pretty normal in this phase of life.

Honestly she sounds lovely trying to be part of your sons life and I'd just try to get over it for the 2/3 times a year you see her.

Frugalgal · 14/12/2025 19:00

I don't understand what your problem is with her, at all. Sounds like she was so utterly grief-stricken by the death of her husband that your son's birth was a lifeline for her and now he's a living link to her dead husband. She's not done anything wrong and your dislike seems entirely irrational..

Try putting yourself in her shoes, maybe?

pottylolly · 14/12/2025 19:07

You don’t see her as worth the effect because she isn’t blood related. That’s the crux of the problem and it’s very much a you problem. Your mum is right you just need to get your head on straight and be kinder to her.

Cerialkiller · 14/12/2025 19:31

I don't really see what the issue is really. Some people don't ask how you are/focus on the children more/talk about themselves, that's just their personality. I don't see what she has done that is so bad!?

I also HATED mil holding my son, and she was really good with the kids, it was just a ferocious protective instinct, of course you wont feel the same way with your own mother!! My ds was also a NICU baby and that does amplify those instincts imho.

Have you tried to engage her in conversation about something other then you or the kids? Do you a actually have a relationship with the woman?

Could you use it as a opportunity to take a break? Dh looks after ds while you have a lie down or a coffee and a book at a cafe? That way you don't have to engage?

Tbh With two under two, I had way more to focus on then the details of who or what mil was discussing and how much she was asking about me.

JTBB33 · 14/12/2025 19:41

Unfortunately, you’re being unreasonable. But I get it. As a mother and a pregnant mother, the mind naturally goes to thinking the world revolves around you. It’s not a negative. Been there, done it. I think it’s just the way we are.
i would suggest trying to consider yourself in her position in years to come. It may or may not happen. I guarantee you won’t think it now because you think you’ll be the best mother in the world and will have all the family around you until you die. But… you never know. Trying thinking past the hormones!

DaisyChain505 · 14/12/2025 19:48

YABU.

JoWilkinsonsno1fan · 14/12/2025 20:15

Yabu - she maybe lost in the moment in terms of being a ‘nan’ but she really isn’t doing anything wrong here.

PorridgeAndSyrup · 15/12/2025 06:59

My mum used to be very much like that with my eldest... it was like she was a bit obsessed, I actually found it creepy at times, like when she stayed round our house she'd sleep in the children's room on a mattress on the floor and she'd say things like "I didn't sleep very well as I had to keep checking DC was still breathing" which is the sort of behaviour I associate with the mum of a newborn, but you don't need to do it with a 2 year old, and it's weird when it's not even the mum doing it. It used to set my teeth on edge too.But we have a second child now and she calmed down a bit and now loves both of them without being obsessed. Ultimately it's harmless, and it's wonderful for the children to have close relationships with other people.

Emmz1510 · 15/12/2025 12:28

Honestly OP nothing you’ve described about her behaviour sounds anything more than mildly annoying and you are blowing it all out of proportion. You’ve said it yourself she’s unlikely to ever be a biological granny so I could probably forgive a little over the top behaviour, have a mild cringe over it and move on. She’s probably lonely as well. Yes it’s a bit thoughtless of her to have not asked or shown interest in your wellbeing, but perhaps she feels you are a bit ambivalent towards her. Also not unusual to be a bit less excited about subsequent grandchildren. If she actually treats him less favourably I would have to nip that in the bud right away.

cherrylola · 15/12/2025 12:40

Very similar situation here with my MiL and first child following bereavement of her husband (my OH’s dad). She has always been quite obsessed with my DS1 who was a tiny baby when FiL died. She has shown nowhere near the same amount of devotion and attention to our subsequent 2 kids. It’s grief I guess, she clung onto the joy of the baby. He is now 13 (!!) and she is still mad about him in the same way! I guess he is lucky, but it pains when the other grandchildren don’t get the same attention. We don’t see her much, it’s too intense and sad for my OH to be around the inequity!

Original poster

hiddengrace · 15/12/2025 12:43

Than you everyone for replying. Some good hard truths here which I definitely needed. We saw my SMIL yesterday and I made an effort to ask her more about her Christmas plans and try and strike up more of a two way conversation.
I’m going to accept that people just don’t ask after you in pregnancy and motherhood, it’s not personal and I can see that now.
Hope everyone has lovely Christmas and NY breaks.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 16/12/2025 03:18

hiddengrace · 15/12/2025 12:43

I actually understand how you feel. She SHOULD ask about you and not just the baby.

She should also bear in mind, that your son has 2 actual grandmas. I'm not a fan of items saying "best mum" "best dad" "best nan" or anything like that, unless it was bought for her.

Otherwise.. she's given herself the title.

Her obsession with your little one would irritate me, if I was in that position.

Jammeroo · 16/12/2025 05:08

Hi, just a message to say I had a difficult time reconciling the way my in laws were with the kids when they were younger compared to my own parents. I found it difficult and got my back up. But over the years I have realised that they had very different ways of communicating and sometime what felt like being odd boundaries were them not wanting to impose. What I expected as normal they thought was overstepping was why they didn't ask personal questions or visit that often. They were waiting to be told.

Anyway fast forward and my kids broke down those barriers, they relaxed into the role more and now we have a lovely relationship. But it took time and a lot of me having be a bit more understanding and them chilling out a bit more around the kids. That only really happened when they became more involved in childcare when they went to school. Spending more time with them meant that every visit wasn't so tense and full of awkwardness.

You'll get there!

Coalday · 18/12/2025 13:13

I feel huge general sympathy for you actually.
When you marry you may get inlaws, but you got double that.
These are not people you chose to be around and yet you have to see them.
I think you sound like a lovely person with great self awareness and are doing your best.

Years ago two of my friends married men with divorced parents and they very firmly pushed back when they tried to dictate how Christmas would be divided up fairly among them.

They lost out as it got their backs up.
They made it very clear that they would decide where and with whom they spent Christmas and not the parents of her husband.

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