Guilt around bio kids

[IsThisOneFree]

Am I the only one with bio kids that have reached adulthood? Mine have been super kind and supportive of my new relationship, but one has admitted “I’m different with his kids and their younger siblings.” and that my adult child feels jealous.

Of course I am, I’m in a much healthier, happier relationship than I was with their father. I can apologise, but I can’t turn back the clock. How do you handle this?

Acknowledge their feelings. Don't make excuses for your behaviour.

That can’t be easy for them at all, both of mine were bloody awful parents, I can’t imagine seeing them with someone else’s children doing it well.

Hi OP – I’ve seen this come up a few times.
Your adult child isn’t saying, “You’ve done something wrong.”
They’re saying, “I’ve noticed a difference, and it touches a tender part of me.” That’s not a criticism of your parenting. It’s a reflection of how powerful family roles are — even long after childhood ends.
Adult children can still feel childlike feelings and even at 20, 25, 30+, watching a parent build a new, healthy family system can stir jealousy, grief, fear of being replaced or longing for the childhood they wish they’d had. We all parent differently when we’re safe, supported, and loved. Your adult child is noticing the benefits of your growth and wishing they’d had more of that version of you when they were small.
A gentle acknowledgment of how they feel can go a long way. No defensiveness., No apologising for moving forward. Just recognition and compassion for their feelings.
Sometimes the feeling behind “I’m jealous” is actually: “I still need to know there’s space for me.” The fact they've been brave enough to tell you suggests they still want a close relationship with you.
I wonder if your adult child would like to spend more time with you one to one so they can enjoy the version of you that is now happier and healthier. Adult kids still need their Mum 😊

No actually adult children can say you did something wrong and they are fully entitled to resent the fact they got a less than parent than their siblings. Its an even worse kick in the teeth to watch you with step kids.

And actually as parents we should apologise were we have failed. And only you know if with reflection you have. Be it emotionally, physically in terms of presence. And that apology should absolutely reflect the fact you have moved forward and your other kids have a different experience.

What can you, acknowledge and make space for their feelings. Turn up for them as they need you now. Also acknowledge they may not actually want in the future this new and improved you and give space for that as well.

It's hard as shit being the practice kids before your parent figures themselves out.

I agree with this. Parents can and do mess up and children are allowed to say that.

My mother made a lot of mistakes with me when I was a child and it had led to lifelong self-doubt and esteem issues. I think she tried her best but that doesn't negate the fact that I was not treated well many times.

If I saw her getting the chance to be a parent again and parenting her new stepchildren and her younger children with a new partner better than she did with me, I'm sorry but that would be incredibly painful. This is just my opinion, but it would really underscore my feelings of low self-worth.

I think you need to listen to your children OP and not make excuses. I think seeing this new side to your parenting will inevitably impact the relationship with your eldest kid/s and you have to accept that.

Listen and reflect on what your own kids say. I had a friend who's Dad started family number 2 when he was 18. Daddy went from remote authoritarian type to fun loving SAHD, and my poor friend had his heart broken.

OP didn't fail. She did the best she could at the time. There is a huge difference.

It's hard, of course, to watch a parent be happier in a new relationship but it sounds a little like blaming the mother because she was not in a happy safe relationship with the father...

@turkeyboots Its sad that your friend had his heart broken. I hope his dad was able to offer compassion whilst also being happy in his second marriage.

Thank-you! My eldest daughter is mature enough to realise this, be happy for her younger siblings, (and myself) and live her best life. I’m certainly not above listening or taking responsibility for the fact her childhood was not always what either of us would have wished. I completely understand it hurts her heart to see the difference.

@thestepmumspacepodcast How do you know she didnt fail her older children? You dont, however that is a useful statement that allows adults to remove their responsibility. And so what if she did blame her mother for those circumstances? Again that isnt a childs responsibility, its the adults ie both their parents to provide a safe environment for them.

It also has zero to do with her maturity, she clearly is giving @IsThisOneFree grace which actually if she choose not to would have zero to do with her level of emotional maturity. She actually as your child doesn't owe you that, the owed responsibility in the relationship is the other way round