AIBU?

[breakdown2025]

Dh and I are married and living together. 4dc between us 2 mine and 2 his.
Due to a lot of difficulties currently going on he is seeing his children in a hotel every weekend as this is what works best for them right now.
I’m really struggling mentally. I had a breakdown earlier this year and another suicidal episode 3 weeks ago. I have fully supported dh in keeping all contact with his dc during this time.
This week however I am really struggling. I asked if there was any chance he could do one night and 2 days with his children instead of 2 nights and 3 days but he point blank refused. He said this would be letting his dc down. It’s not something I’d normally ask of him but my mental health is so bad right now I’m struggling to even get out of bed.
He does also see his dc during the week.
It feels like the whole run up to the festive period is messed up as we are never together with dc to do festive things. This weekend we are putting the decorations up and dh won’t be around to join in. It feels like I’m single to be honest.
He doesn’t understand why I’m so upset. I’d never stop him seeing his children I just asked if it could be one night less this weekend just to help me get back on my feet.
AIBU?

I am so sorry you are unwell and struggling. As he is not willing to help, I think you need to look to other sources for support with your mental health. Could you ask your GP for a referral for some counselling or sign posting to additional help. Relying on him at the moment will lead to you being disappointed so put yourself and your DCs first and take care of yourself as a priority.

I am due to start 6 months of intense therapy Tuesday. It’s only this one weekend I’ve asked to change as my daughter has started having more dangerous seizures and life is on top of me this week.

I’m sorry you are going through a tough time but respectfully that’s not his children’s fault and they shouldn’t lose time with him either. The ideal situation would be them staying with you so you are all together and then they get to see him and you get support. Realistically you can’t carry on living weekends separately and need to get a better plan in place for everyone.

That all sounds very hard. Can your DP's kids not stay in your house too? That would be the easiest solution

I do agree with PP though, it is unfair to deprive your DH of time with his kids, not fair on him or the DC. I hope things get better for you

Who is the relationship working for?

I understand that it may be too private to share the reasons why the children can’t/ won’t come to your house, but is the a situation that is likely to change, or can change? Has this been the case for the whole relationship, marriage? I guess, being a bit harsh, what would one extra night have achiever, that the previous 5 haven’t? I’m glad you’re getting therapy and starting that soon, to try and have some strategies, because it sounds like he will not ever be a weekend partner, if he ever was, because that’s when he sees his kids? You did mention he sees them during the week too, is that also in a different location? It sounds like either you need to accept the no weekend support, and that there will always be another priority (which is understandable] or rethink if this is the relationship for you

Not to sound harsh but those are his children that for whatever reason, he cannot see them in his own home. I bet his own mental health or theirs isn't the better for this arrangement.

You can put Christmas decorations up any day of the week. Can your daughters own father not help if you need assistance due to her medical condition?

Yes, as a husband he should be trying to help you but this already sounds like a very difficult situation for him.

Sometimes the children don’t come first and this is one of those times. You aren’t even asking them to come second really, just budge up a bit and make a bit of space for their father’s wife for once. It’s not a big ask.
There have been certain times in my marriage where I have had to come first over DSD. Very few and very far between, but life does happen to the best of us. If I could not rely on my DH to be there for me on these few and far between occasions, he would now be my ex DH.
All this talk of “there shouldn’t have to give up time or miss out on time” is nonsense. Do you never do anything or go anywhere or see anyone without your DC? If not, you should, that’s unhealthy. If so, do you have someone guilt tripping you about your poor kids missing out?
What’s the difference for OPs DH and what’s the real reason he shouldn’t carve out a little bit of time for his extremely vulnerable wife?

The difference is we are obviously missing the backstory as to why DH can't see his kids in his own home? These kids are already very much put out by having to spend weekends in a hotel to see their Father for whatever reason.

Also the OP wants her DH there to help put up Christmas decorations... which I'm sure he could help with one of the 5 days a week he's already home! If she's so stressed out, decorating for Christmas wouldn't even be on the radar.

I didn’t want him there to help with the decorations. I needed him there to help support my mental health.

Hi OP, I hope you are feeling better now.

What exactly did you need support with? Did you need DH to sit with you?

It sounds like there is a lot going on and maybe you need to look elsewhere for support at DH has other responsibilities. Either that or he needs to be able to see his children at his home?

Can your DD father help at all? Can he have her to help you out/share the load?

I'm sorry that DH didn't get to help with decorations, were his DC due to help as well?

You mentioned three things;

A) Your mental health (but ignored what implications it might have on his or his children's MH - I cannot imagine ever having to visit my kids at a hotel and not in my / their own home, so theres obviouslysomething very big happening).
B) You wanted him there for putting up decorations - its just not a priority really given everything else going on in your household. It can be done any other day.
C) Your daughters medical condition - Yep, this sucks and it'd be the only thing I'd be asking of him. But equally Your daughter has you and her father and perhaps other family who could give you some respite or assistance.

It sucks that your DH can't be in 2 places at once. But I cannot stress how important it is that he prioritises his children who must be going through a very rough time.

OP has said he has his kids 3 nights over the weekend and also see them during the week. So at a minimum 4 days per week he sees them.
Asking to spend one weekend day and night one time with her husband in the wake of a mental health disaster is not a big ask at all.
The Christmas decorations could very well be a great help to OP - light, tradition, routine etc are known for being uplifting. Not sure why you’re being so dismissive of that.

I would consider the fact the husband isn't allowed see his own kids in his house as a huge red flag here... there's much bigger issues that OP isn't letting on. She doesn't seem to care about his or his kids mental health.

Like I said, they can put decorations up any day... can put them up before he goes away for the weekend?

How did the start to therapy go OP? I hope you find it helpful.

It went well thanks. It was tiring but I can see it is going to be beneficial in the long run. Thanks for asking.

I agree.