Would you still give a bday gift to adult step child?

[Anuta77]

Just wondering, because it's the first time that it happens like that, but step daughter turned 19 at the beginning of november. She normally would visit us every 2 weekends, but obviously with time, she skips some weekends and since September, I only saw her once.
So I might see her only over 3 weeks after her bday or even later if she doesn't come next weekend (which would be a couple of days after my own bday, so kind of strange to be giving her a gift).
Would you still give her a gift? We have a good relationship, but are not very close and by then, her bday will be long gone. I don't have any ideas for a gift, other than a gift card or money.

We give joint gifts to everyone so it's not a situation I can imagine.

However, gift giving has nothing to do with seeing them and definitely shouldn't be canned because of visiting times!

I have two adult stepdaughters and wouldn’t dream of not giving them gifts on their birthday. DH and I give them money and then I choose some nice things to open. If we weren’t going to see them for some reason I would drop them round or post them. I can’t imagine ever not doing that. I also do Easter eggs, advent calendars, and Christmas presents. And will until the day I die!

Sounds like you want to punish her by withdrawing the gift because she hasn’t been to see you.

why didn’t you give it to dad to pass on?

or have you called her to arrange a visit or for you to go to her?

A lot of fuss over a gift. Just leave it there and when you see her pass it over.

Give her a gift….

This. Seems churlish to not give her the gift.

Just because you don’t see someone before or on the day itself, doesn’t mean you just don’t give them a gift. Happy belated birthday is a thing.

It’s a bit rubbish that she doesn’t get you anything to acknowledge your birthday though, especially as you always get her a separate present from you. A lot of 19 year olds won’t have lots of cash, but I think she should give you a small gift to acknowledge your birthday. Her dad should have instilled that in her.

Yes absolutely i’d still give her a gift. I still give gifts to my adult nieces, always will with family even if over 18.

My gran is my mum's step mum, she still buys my mum a birthday present, my mum is 65 they only see each other 4/5 times a year due to distance so post cards and sometimes presents or if not suitable for posting just give them next time they see each other. My grandfather died a good few years ago now, before that it would've been joint presents

Ok, this does change things a little. It doesn’t sound like you’re particularly close, and if she ignores your birthday then maybe it’s time to put £20 in a card and post it.

Out of interest, how did her dad get her present to her? It is odd that you and he gift separately.

Your OP says you didn’t have any ideas for a gift, other than a card or money. This comment seems to suggest you were sitting waiting for her to visit with a gift prepared?

Couples buying separate gifts is really odd. I can't imagine the situation arising. Just send her the gift and going forward get her gifts from both of you like normal.

Hasn't you already bought something though, if you were assuming you'd see her? And why wouldn't you buy something and her dad take it?

Do you have children?

Yes, no question about it. Give her a gift like usual.

This year it will be late but that doesn't matter.

If she has asked for some cream, I presume this was in reply to you asking her what she would like.
It is weird that you and her father who are very much a married unit, do not get her gifts from you both and instead are acting separately like this. On that notion, he was able to get her a gift on time or at least early enough for her to have it for her big day, yet you seem to have been dragging your heels somewhat as you neglected to get it together and get your separate gift to be able to give at the same time knowing that full well that she cancels her visits as she gets older and you may not otherwise have the chance to her on time.
It looks like you don't want to get her anything because of your lack of effort. So don't bother.

You aren't close by your own admission. Maybe this separate gifting thing speaks volumes about the nature of your relationship with her.

If it was one of your own kids, what would you have done?
Waiting until you see her to give the gift when you are not close seems quite pedantic. This shows you're only thinking of your own wants when it is her big day. Why would you not want her to have something with your name on, from your husband?

How can you say you don't have any ideas for a gift other than card and money when you say she has asked for cream?
You really don't seem bothered whatsoever by her birthday and more about your own upcoming birthday. You've made her birthday about you. Yeah. Your actions about her day that's already nearly a month passed is very clear.
I'd prob get a divorce too, as it's clear you don't give a shit about his kids.

I think OP meant her partner had given his daughter the cream as she had asked him to.

It seems a little transactional OP.

But you surely aren't suggesting that you take her gift away as some kind of punishment for her not visiting?

Personally, I'd have made the effort to take the gift round to her on her birthday, rather than expecting her to come and collect it.

I don't know, it's just happened liked that. We once gave a joint gift because it was more than my normal budget. With our joint son, we sometimes give separate gifts too, because we might have different ideas of what we want to give.

Yes, I was waiting for her to come, but she won't come again this or next weekend, that puts us over a month after her bday.

Because I was sure that I would see her 3 days later and it's more special to give in person than passing. I didn't know that she would come (as I learnt today) over a month later. At this point, it becomes way too late.

Would you give a birthday gift to your adult child? If the answer is "yes", then surely you give a present to.your stepchild? They should be treated the same.

I'm not from the UK, it seems like over there, people always give joint gifts. As far as I know, my DH and his ex (the mother) don't give joint gifts. SD's stepfather apparently also gives a separate gift. It's just like that. Doesn't say anything about my relationship with anyone and honestly, it's much nicer to get 2 gifts, so I don't understand the fuss.
Also it's the first time that she cancels so much due to her studies.
With my own kids, I would have seen them on their bday, as a mother, I would be among the first priorities. But me and her mother don't have a relationship or more exactly, we are on non speaking terms and SD is ALWAYS with her mother on her bday, the situations don't compare.

Oh la la, what a judgement!
She asked for a cream when her father asked, he got her the cream. How many more creams should I give her? Seeing her rarely as I do, I really don't have ideas.
As far as my bday, she's barely bothered. I accepted it when she was a child, but with time, I would expect some more attention. I only get a dry: Happy bday message. This year, she also forgot the mother's day and trust me, in over 10 years, she always had gifts from me on her bday and on Xmas (that her parents didn't celebrate; so she only got Xmas gifts from me, until her mother, an immigrant here, learnt to do the same).

This.