What to do when SC now doesn’t want to see parent?

[mnforadvice]

My DSS is 9 and recently not been wanting to stay at ours (his dads). It has been 50/50 split for the past few years, my DH pays (what I believe) is full amount of maintenance still too.

Nothing from what I can tell has changed for him not to want to stay at ours. Him and DH don’t have the best relationship I would say, DH feels like DSS just doesn’t love him. We do have two younger children but DH doesn’t treat them any differently from what I can see. I feel DSS just prefers to be at his mums. There are no rules, no screen time limits, homework not having to be done etc. Has anyone had experience of similar, should we keep “forcing” 50/50 split, I don’t like the thought of him dreading coming to ours and counting down to get back to his mums. Tia from a sad SM x

Even if he doesn't want to stay, maybe his dad can pick him up and take him out on his own for a few hours after school. Spend some quality time with him and build their relationship.

Its not DSS responsibility to make dad feel loved. Its dads role to make DDS feel loved. This happened with my exhusband, and our daughter. The fallout of dad not making an effort has been huge.

I encouraged dad to spend time with her even tho she refused to go for weekends. It did build up to her feeling secure enough to go for weekends again.

Dad needs to be making the effort to make his son feel loved, valued and worth spending time with.

I completely agree. He takes him to football training in the week as well as matches at the weekend. At least one weekend a month he will also always do something with just him, either the park or cinema or something like that, DH is really trying to think of things for just him, I think he feels sad DSS doesn’t really want to spend the time with him. But I completely agree it’s not up to DSS to make him feel loved.

Does DSS have other siblings at his mums? Maybe he feels left out at yours ….which is not surprising and understandable. It’s not about him not being treated differently (in your opinion) when he is at yours but at the end of the day he is different on may other levels. You aren’t his mother and he doesn’t live with you full time like his half siblings do

Even if he doesn't want to stay, maybe his dad can pick him up and take him out on his own for a few hours after school. Spend some quality time with him and build their relationship.

I think this is a good idea.
However often responses to posts like this assume that the child's mum will happily just absorb more overnights. I don't think the dad and OP can just unilaterally say they are having DSS for fewer nights with her agreement. She might well value her childfree time.

My SC prefer the no-rules household too. Personally I wouldn’t agree to any changes until he’s of secondary age (when it counts in court), to try to set him up for SATs/streaming, and hope he gets some friends who value structure and learning.

Don’t dwell on it, keep the cheerful normal routine and hopefully he’ll appreciate it as he grows up.

Yes he does, an older sibling (teenager age) so I think there is some division there too. His sibling is also often not there as he spends time at his dads so I don’t know how that makes DSS feel. I know growing up with much older siblings myself it sometimes felt like being an only child at times, the age gap I suppose is similar to our little ones and him so their interests are so different. We always try to make time for play dates with his friends or cousins when he’s with us so he has more interaction with similar age kids

Thank you and yes that makes sense for secondary school. It feels very disheartening when you make special efforts to not be enjoyed but I guess that is kids in general and the split households makes it a hard situation. We will keep doing what we’re doing and hopefully he’ll look back on it one day and see we’re only trying to make a nice home for him and his siblings.

9 is the ripe age of being rude, thinking everything is unfair, boundaries are pushed, discipline is taken very personally etc and if dad responds to that by allowing distance to grow, he'll just feel unloved. It's a tricky age but his dad needs to remember to not take it personally, be consistent and keep showing him love while keeping rules in place. Just keep going!

@Noorandapplesthank you. That’s so true! We’ve noticed in the past few months the answering back etc has become increasingly more. Unfortunately he has no respect for his mother and often plays up and throws tantrums still (we have seen this ourselves). He is usually polite and well behaved at ours but we reinforce manners etc in our house. I absolutely want our LO’s to know please and thank you from their young age and not learn from DSS negative traits.

There must be something in the water as similar age and experiencing the same, with no explanation. Always a nice time when here, always a fun day out planned (usually expensive too e.g theme parks, bowling/arcades, theatre, activity centres, etc). I have no advice as I’m in the same boat but sending solidarity in both the avoidance of visits and attitude/rudeness.