Does anyone else feel ‘alone’?

[Butterfly1728]

I have no children myself, my DH has 3. His DD has a DD.

I sometimes feel, even though I'm included as family, alone in all this.

Obviously, they have a connection, one I can’t be part of and one I don’t understand.

Does anyone else feel ‘alone’ in a similar scenario? like they are just an outsider looking in on a family?

I felt like this for a long time, and was in the middle of having 4 miscarriages on top off it aswell.

Yep, sometimes. It’s a recognisable feeling for me, even though DP’s daughter is a delight. It can be tough sometimes.

When my DSD were younger and we had them over or went and visited my DP's mum I felt like this. Quite a lot actually. It was lovely seeing them interact as a family but I felt on the fringes, and struggled to be part of conversations when they would say - remember our holiday when..... remember how we used to do X.... remember that Christmas etc. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't want them to not have these memories but its a reminder that I would never share that family bond (I didnt have children before or with my DP) its a you feeling not a them feeling and something you have to come to terms with

This! I get it’s a ‘me’ feeling but I don’t know how to accept it and move past it 🤷🏼‍♀️ At the moment I’m going through a phase of regretting not having children, and these feelings make me feel even more alone

Yes, until we had a child and now I am too exhausted to notice. Could you still have children if you wanted? Or foster or adopt if you could? Either with him or someone else?

I think being a childless stepmum is the hardest thing (we struggled to conceive), unless perhaps the stepchildren are all adults.

My DH had the ‘snip’ many years ago and I wouldn’t want a child with anyone but him ♥️ My stepchildren are all adults.

Vasectomy reversals are pretty common, or IVF could work depending on your age. Are you peri-menopausal? I hear there’s a lot of hormones which make everyone wish for more at that point.

He’s 52 and I’m almost 43, feels like boat has sailed tbh.

Im not sure if I’m perimenopausal yet 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes, I feel like this all the time to the extent that sometimes I question if this lifestyle is right for me. When the kids come over (obligatory disclaimer that their presence is always welcome) I feel like a visitor in the home.

How long have you been together? I think feeling like a family takes a lot longer when one partner has children and the other doesn’t, but if you like his children, it does get better with time.

Been together for 4 years, lived in their home for 2 years

I was thinking about your post a lot last night. My DP had also had the snip, and I have a genetic condition that means conception for me would be an ordeal to test for the genetic condition on conception and 'eradicate' any positive ones showing the mutation. I just couldn't put myself through it. I often thought about adoption but you really both have to be on board with it and he already has children. So like you, it feels like the ship sailed. So I got two cats who I had for 16 years and the last one passed away recently - they were my babies and it now feels more lonely than ever. I often feel that I am absolutely fine with the lifestyle and choices. But when one of you doesn't have children, naturally the one who does actually becomes the priority - they have children they come first, their plans and needs trump yours - this isnt an problem for me its a build up of feelings over time where its a reminder and on top of that the conversations and memories you cannot join in on just leaves me feeling on the edge of my own actual life.

Hi 👋🏻
I’m sorry to hear about your cats 😢 I have 2 dogs which are my “kids” and therefore I can empathise and sympathise with where you are.
it resonated too about being on the edge of your own life. My DH is a wonderful dad and does things for his adult children often (although sometimes I think it’s detrimental as they are adults and some of the things he does for them they should be doing themselves).
I sometimes resent that he has others to put first and I dont, leaving me feeling exposed an vulnerable.

I’ve been living with DP and DSD for five years and have felt like ‘us’ for about 2 years - it’s been loads better since we’ve had a few holidays together to talk about as shared memories. It can still be tough occasionally though.

Many years ago when I first met my ex DP, he had 3 dc and I had none. I felt very much an outsider. Horrible feeling. We went on to have 2 dc together and then split up. My dc have no contact with his dc. Very sad. All down to the Father, nobody else to blame.

Hey OP - This is very common in stepfamilies and it's a recognised pattern of the non biological parent feeling like the outsider. I hope I'm allowed to post this - I think it would help Stop Feeling Like An Outsider - A 24 page guided workbook for Stepmums | Stepmum Space

It got much better for me once the kids grew up. We still see them a lot but they are living their own lives and it's easier for me to have my own separate relationship with them as well as the relationship they have with DH and me as a couple. So for example DH and I will take them and their partners out for dinner or meet up with them. I text them separately about stuff...it's just all matured. Having holidays etc to talk about really helped. They've also met some of my family (who live far away) it all helps.

Their mum is very much on the scene and it tends to be that if we'll invite one of the kids to something she'll come too, we know her well, we get on, but she hasn't moved on really in her life.

So I recognise what you are saying, and there were many times where I felt that I was just a 'nothing' in the lives going on. But it's got better, a lot better.

It also helped that I kept my own interests and friends going too...

I guess sometimes it feels like a very uneven keel. Me with no kids, him with 3. Means he has 3 others to consider whereas he doesn’t have to share me. Makes me resentful at times.

An incidental event really but my DC came to stay at the weekend following a 2 week holiday abroad with their Mum & step dad.
They came into the living room and emptied out a bag of souvenirs for DH and my DC (their half sibling) - absolutely nothing for me.
I genuinely expected nothing and have no hard feelings towards them about it but it was a stark reminder that they see me as a non entity in their lives. DH and I have been married for 5 years and I’ve been in their lives for over 10 years, since they were infants. I’ve always been present, kind, consistent and helped a lot with their care over the years. It isn’t the first time I’ve felt isolated from my own family dynamic but this hurt like hell for a moment.