Funnily the exact opposite of what he apparently wants.
Brief background, married for 8 years together nearly 10. Teen step DD & DS (14 & 16), currently live with us most of the week although do see their mum two nights a week. This was their choice as they've gotten older, it's always been pretty flexible based on what the kids want.
We also share a much younger DD.
My husband, I feel has always taken me for granted when it comes to his older children under the guise of "we are all one family". An example would be just expecting me to look after them a lot when they were little without actually asking, leaving most if not all of the chores around the kids to me when they are here because he works slightly more hours, that sort of thing. We've spoken and spoken about this at length many times over the years, he thinks I'd do it for our DC so why is it any different, I don't really agree with that line of thought given they are his DC so while obviously I'm happy to help as his wife, I don't think it should just be a given that I'll do it all and certainly not without any appreciation that actually I am taking on a lot of what is really his responsibility.
Since they've moved in more or less full time, I feel like I am living on egg shells. He harps on about us all being equal and one family and yet I feel like I can have no opinion on anything to do with DSC unless it's positive or in agreement. Otherwise I'm only disagreeing because it's "his kids".
I have tried pointing out many a time that this is not allowing me to treat them equally is it? If it were DD I'd be able to voice any opinion, positive or negative on her behaviour, her needs, treats, chores etc... but it when it comes to DSC I'm just being mean or othering them if I voice anything other than agreement.
Honestly I've just given up trying, I feel like nothing I do do is appreciated because of one small thing, or one disagreement, or one suggestion about poor behaviour etc.. even when it involves my own money (separate finances) I'm expected to just hand it over no questions when he deems DSC in need of something otherwise I'm guilt tripped by the whole "you'd do it for DD, you bought DD X, it's just because it's my kids so you don't care" and on and on, even in front of them on occasions.
I feel so undervalued and completely lost as to what he actually wants from me, because clearly it isn't to think of them equally. It's to agree without opinion. To nod along and just say yes of course to whatever they want or he asks for.
Everything I do actually do (taking them to school, cooking their meals, ensuring they have clean uniforms and so on) is forgotten in the one instance where I perhaps give DD a little treat or spend more on her birthday than I gave him towards DSC for theirs, or question poor behaviour.
I am so fed up, he doesn't realise that HE is the one that is damaging my feelings toward or relationship with his children by being so defensive constantly. Everything I do or say is questioned if it's not absolutely positive.
A recent example, we were having some renovations to the house and I suggested probably easier for DSC to stay with their mum for a few days while the large messy work is done (not a demand, a suggestion) and I received a whole barrage of speeches about me trying to get rid of his kids, palming them off, can't wait for any opportunity to get rid of them etc etc yet they are here all the time and I've never complained about them being here?! But of course me sending DD to stay with my mum is not questioned. There's no suggestions that I hate my own DD and am trying to get rid of her.
He makes it unbearable to the point where yes life is actually easier when they aren't here because I'm not being questioned and having my motive for anything questioned constantly.