Where do we stand if something happens to me?

[MamaFormerlyKnownAsGlam]

I have two DCs. My DD is from my relationship with my ex husband. We are now divorced but have an amicable relationship. She stays with him once a week and every other weekend. I also have a 3 month old DS with my partner. My question is what will happen to DD if something happens to me? Obviously her Dad will be there but I don't want to split her and her baby brother up as she completely adores him and I think to lose your mum and your baby brother would be catastrophic. Would my DP be able to apply for joint custody of DD (with my ex and presuming my ex is ok with that)and would it make a difference if we were married?

I was lying in bed last night freaking out that I hadn't sorted this out.

As far as I am aware, Step parents have no automatic rights to remain in contact with the step child - although you can specify this as your desire in your will . Maybe it's something that you could speak to you ex partner about ? Obviously if something happened to you ex and you - you could name your current partner as a guardian . Hopefully a more legal type can come along and clarify further !

I have been wondering this too and was going to write a will but everyone else in the scenario is reluctant. I think ex H would take the girls but I too would be reluctant to have them split from DS and new baby who would obvioulsy be with their dad (my DP). My DDs are 12 and 8 and I have asked the 12 year old what she would like to do and she says it isn't a fair question and she doesn't want to think about it. DP says they would deal with it at the time so is of no help at all!

I think the only thing you can do is write a will.

Thanks for your responses. I'm going to have to write a will I guess. Maybe I should ring a solicitor.

bump

Do you get on well enough with your ex to have a discussion with him about it?

i am in identical situation with ds1 age 7and now 3 month old baby with new dp... have also been thinking about this issue so be glad to hear any suggestions

My friend's just sorted this recently through a solicitor. You must also consider what will happen with the DCs that you have with your current partner, if both of you were to die together (eg, in car accident, perish the thought)

sorry, had school run. Yes, I get on well enough with my ex. Talk to Dp, ex and solicitor, I guess.

In similar situation and was advised by solicitor to "delegate" parental responsibility to my new dh - this is not relinquishing mine by the way! This is not legally tested as yet so not an absolute guarantee. Its the simplest and cheapest option though. We have also stated our wishes in our wills. The other options are to appoint your dh as guardian or to adopt (obviously not going to happen if there is a good realtionship between natural father and child.) Obviously you seem to have all the options pretty much covered yourself though and its great that you have a good enough relationship with ex to discuss. If hes a reasonable bloke then you might not need anything official (unless you want it of course!)

Thanks everyone. terrier141 I'm not married to DP so wondering if that will make a difference. I can't believe there hasn't been a test case yet as this seems to be an issue for lots of people.

terrier141: That's very interesting. I was told by sol, my X could "delegate" responsibility, but that did not mean new XsDP could get PR. They would only have PR for a limited tasks. But to get PR they would need the agreement of the current holders of PR (e.g. both parents) or the court would need good reasons to award it without the consent of the other parent.

On guardian topic, its never been clear to me, but if someone is made a guardian in a will, it still has to be confirmed by the court . Just saying A is the guardian, if the other parent is alive, the other parent normally gets the child (has to be good reasons not to), and the guardian could remain a part of the life, but wouldn't be the automatic parent.

Just my understanding.

I think you are right wildfish - on the guardian bit - the sol did say that simply naming dh as guardian in my will would not become automatic on my death - but that it would stand him in good stead in court as it was obviously my wishes. With the delegated PR bit - she said that my ex did not need to consent (or even know!) and that we could set "limits" on what new dh could do with the delegated PR or have it equal to mine (not sure if that makes sense to you? Difficult to explain!. She did say that the only definate way to ensure my kids stay with new dh is for him to adopt them (which is never gonna be possible!)She advised the delegated PR as our simplest and cheapest option BUT she did make it clear that it was not a guarantee of anything! She said that delegated PR and naming as guardian in my will would simply make more of a case in court - but it would still need to go to court. She also suggested leaving a letter with my will explaining why I felt kids should stay with their stepdad (in my case there are very strong reasons. She also said that the childrens ages and level of understanding would be taken into account when asking them their wishes.
Also GLAM - im sure the fact that you are not married would not make any difference!
I agree this is a very complicated and delicate matter which I hope none of us ever has to deal with in reality.
Sorry for the really long post - not sure if I made things any clearer!