Agreed to pay or not?

[songbird3086]

So this happened this week and it’s going to come to a head tomorrow so I would like some opinions.

my step son (19) lives with his dad and I and has for about 5 years. No contact with mum. He left education this year and got a job. We started charging £200 per month to teach about money and to help in the house as let’s be fair life is expensive!

his sister (18) lives with mum and step dad mostly and comes to us at weekends when she isn’t working and for tea some nights / shopping trips etc just ad hoc around work.

now she left education this same year and was told she has to pay £400 per month rent. ( older brother 23 at mums pays this also )
she struggles as she works in a shop and the hours can be varied. She does like to go out and buy clothes etc too.

now I get on really well with them both but I hate the way their mom and step dad parent it’s toxic and we always end up stepping in to help cover nights out and little bits for them both as and when they need it like bus fair / petrol / etc.

3 days ago SD texted dad a lovely message and asked to borrow £50 till next week. We laughed about it then asked what it was for… she said rent to her mum as she was short.
now for some reason this infuriated me and I say absolutely not she needs to go have a conversation with her mum. That household earns about 20k more than ours and is pulling in £800 in rent from kids per month. I was adamant it was a no. She said she didn’t want to ask her mum as she and her step dad would just give her hell all week.

I feel bad because I had zero give in me and just for once wanted the kids to be able to talk to mum and be treated like we would all expect instead of coming to us to give that household money.

anyway she’s coming over tomorrow and I feel bad and want to apologise but I also do feel the same! I hate that she’s been given a disproportionate level of shit from them which i know would have been harsh!

what would others of done??

Sorry I think she needs to be budgeting better so that her rent is paid.its not clear from your message but is she working full time, at least minimum wage? If so then she has plenty of income to pay for this, clothes, going out etc come next after her bills are paid to her mum. If however she’s only earning £600 a month or part time etc that’s different (and maybe mum is planning on saving it and giving it back to them for a deposit?) If she was only paying a very small amount what incentive would she ever have to go and buy / rent her own place or increase income in order to fund her lifestyle? I worry that my daughters will live with me forever as I’ll make it all too comfortable for them to need to leave!

the 18yo has left education. Even if she is making NMW and only works 35 hours a week, that is 18, 200 a year. 30% is the general affordability factor for just rent, not even full room and board. That divided by 12 is 455. So 400 a month is perfectly reasonable to help teach budgeting.

in a perfect world the parents would be saving some of this money for the teen, but it’s not an unreasonable rent to charge.

This is a good lesson for the teen in budgeting. She will also be motivated to up skill and get a better job.

Do what you like about lending the money, but I wouldn’t start judging what her mum charges for rent - it’s none of your business.

I would actually use this as a really good opportunity to sit down with her and make a spreadsheet or get her to use an app like Snoop so she can plan her outgoings each month and save for her rent but also set a budget for going out, holidays, clothes etc so it doesn’t happen again and she feels more in control

She needs to learn to budget. If she is working as hoc at the moment what is she doing to improve her income potential?

Why not suggest she comes to live with you?

I would of lent DS the money and just made it clear it was a 1 off. It's a separate issue about the rest OP.

How much does she earn? Should £400 be affordable to her?

If I was her dad I’d ask her to come and live with you and him because her mother is taking the piss. £800 from her kids. I hope they both leave home soon. My PIL had 3 kids including my partner and actually moaned when they all left home within a year because ‘how would we afford to live’. Well maybe they shouldn’t have charged them too much to live at home and they wouldn’t have got used to living off them!

I'd suggest that as the parent, it's up to DH whether he gives her the £50. I know you're worked up about the fact it's going to her mum, but that's just semantics. It's her household bills she's short on, we've all been there. If it would genuinely cause issues for her I would have given it to her and helped her work out how to budget better next time (my household bills get put in a separate account every time my wages land, for example).

This just feels like you're taking your feelings about her mum out on her, which is a shame.

She needs to talk to her mum instead of borrowing it from you/her dad. What her mum asks her to contribute is up to her, if DSD is unhappy she can negotiate with her mum or move out. And rent comes before clothes, that’s basic stuff.

You don’t mention her dad’s opinion.

If you lend her the money then she won't learn a needed lesson about budgeting and standing on her own feet here. She needs to know that she can't rely on you to help her out to avoid a row with her mum too.

Thanks all so yes I’ve missed a few bits out.
dad was in agreement but definitely felt more bad than I did. She works part time (trying to get more hours and applying for jobs ) I’d say she earns between 600-700 a month. But she’s got to pay for everything including snacks and toiletries herself from this as well as bus travel.

if she earned a full time wage I’d still think 400 is a lot to charge a teenager ( and no mum has confirmed there is nothing being saved for her to move out etc )

i know it’s completely that households choice and they are juts being greedy i don’t care who’s that sounds as they are being. They are money focused all the time despite earning well.

we have offered her to move in but it means sharing a room here which we are happy to do but she likes her own space so declined. I know she’s resentful of mum and stepdad taking so much money and there attitude alongside it (ie pay 400 and if you’re short then you are the House slave until it’s paid )

it’s hard when there is a teen in each household under very different rules. It makes coming together awkward when they are both having such different experiences. And yes we treat them the same in terms of treats and helping etc but i just feel like we’re backed into a corner to help her when moms reaping the money.

You shouldn't be basically telling her not to pay her board at her home. Or that it's too much. Imagine if you were her mum and your ex's partner was telling your daughter not to pay you?

She needs to pay her board. She can also try and take on more hours and claim benefits of she's entitled to any. You can lend her money if you can afford to lose it but it won't really do her any favours in the long run.

If you flip it round, what you did was not help her mask her finances from the parent she lives with.

That’s pretty fair, and to do otherwise is undermining the other household.

Constructive next step would be to sit down with her and help her understand her budget and plan to live within that. If that means that she discovers she basically cant afford her rent then that’s a conversation she needs to have with her ‘landlord’. That’s a life skill that theres no downside to starting to learn now.

If they have a room for everyone each in their house then presumably their mortgage is larger?

who would she be sharing with in your house?

I don’t think £50 a month towards her upkeep given that you can’t actually offer her a room in your house is that bad.

presumably he used to pay child maintenance but that stopped?

Also, with food so expensive atm, £400 doesn’t even cover food.

£400 is a lot to take off a young person earning only £600. If her income is variable it will make it hard to budget.

When we split I had two living with me and one with ex. All young adults. Mine pay £300 each. All food and toiletries and use of car etc. They earn £30k and £47k and save a lot.

Ex charged the other one £500 although he had more money than me. So DC3 moved in with me! Now we’re a bit crowded but it’s a happy house and ex is sad he doesn’t see them much.

I do remember DC3 being fed up with paying more than siblings. It does seem really unfair and the DC will remember this.

You did the right thing. And it’s unlikely she would be able to repay the £50 which makes it more likely she will ask for loans again in future.

Best thing you can do is help her budget. Go through it all with her and get her to pay rent before spending anything else.

so she wants to borrow money off you to pay her mother for her board . That’s ludicrous.The daughter is only working part time , her mother should adjust. But also if she’s blowing the rest on nothing she needs to set a budget . I wouldn’t give it.

But why is it ludicrous? She only works part time, has left school and can only live at her mothers as there’s no space at her fathers. Why should the mother bear all her costs of their joint child not being able to find a full time role, and her father not even £50 a month?

I wonder if the mother doesn’t think she is doing enough to find better employment? £100 a week board and meals doesn’t sound unreasonable really.

She is looking for full time work and brings in now between $600 or $700 a month in which $400 is excessive for board .Her brother also pays $400 a month and the parents bring in a higher yearly salary than her dad and step mums household. Doubt they are skint .She also spends weekends at her dads when she’s not working and some week nights where I’m sure they feed her and they also help out with small purchases now and again . The mother is not bearing all her costs . The mother also makes her slave if she can’t pay . Greedy mother .

You did the right thing OP. I wouldn’t lend money to pay the other parent either; SD needs to get a better job and start budgeting better.

I’d speak to your household though and offer her a bed at yours. If it’s for a shared room, and her brother has his own room, £100 might be more suitable?