AIBU - no to kids meeting exs new partner after a few months

[SWH199]

Just wanted some advice / opinions on my ex introducing the kids to someone without any mention of even being in a relationship.
The kids told me they'd been introduced to a new 'friend' at a soft play date (absolutely no issue with). Then the following week told they were going on a caravan holiday with said friend.
For reference this was through the summer.
It didnt go down well with me that they're effectively sharing personal space with a stranger... ex still kept referring to said person as just a friend and I was overreacting by asking to at least know who she is if she's around the kids.
Since then he wants this person around the kids on a regular basis when he has them and is now insisting its serious and they've been together almost a year...
The issue is I saw him on dating sites just before the summer and the kids have also mentioned a few months prior, to being introduced to someone else in a playgym while dad was on a date - only they were different people. One blonde with a son and the new person brunette with a daughter.
I don't want this to sound controlling by any means he can do as he pleases in his own time.. but is it fair to let the kids attach to someone when it seems very half hearted. My oldest has already asked if dad splits with the gf will I keep contact with her so they can see her little one.
He's not had the new gf around his family but is talking about the kids having overnights at her house down the line.
My thoughts are they need to be together 6 months before kids are involved (he only has them 3 nights every 14) and that when they are together its not taking away from his time with them and is more shared days out etc rather than them having a 3rd home to live in occasionally. I don't see it lasting long and my 2 seem to think where dad slacks mum picks up and I don't need a new step sibling every year to try keep contact with to avoid broken hearts.
I don't want them being excluded from his life but I don't want them palmed off either because he definitely is a passive parent.

Well you’re not wrong that it’s shit parenting of him to do this, but unfortunately you have absolutely zero control over what he does.

The hard part of separating is having no control over the bad choices of the other parent.

You know it will likely end in disaster, but you can't stop him introducing a different woman every month unfortunately.

Just explain to your son that this lady is Dads friend so it's up to him to keep in contact, and try and take a step back, as hard as it is.

This past year I have to convince them to go. I know once they're there they do have a good time but soon as I say its time for dad's house its always 'do we have to cant we stay here'. There were never any issues before that but now my suspicious mind is saying if he's been actively dating he's probably not fully present when they're with him.. on the apps/calls etc.
I think they'll end up loving going again if he starts taking them out with her. Until it stops and I'm dealing with the upset. How rubbish men are sometimes!

I posted this kind of people as a step mum regarding the children’s Mum and I was torn apart..

I agree it’s not right to introduce multiple new partners to children but as someone has already said, the other parent can’t control it.

Agree it's bad form, but unfortunately, you can't control this and it is better to pick your battles in this scenario. Kids aren't daft, they will wise up to the cycle soon enough, sounds like they are already seeing it.

You don’t get a say in when or how he introduces a new partner. Been there, done that. Everyone survived.

Unfortunately it’s his choice my ex trawled his was through two relationships and two marriages each time introducing the kids to their new ‘brothers and sisters’ then the upset from the inevitable break up when kids could no longer see their new stepmum / siblings/grandparents etc. it’s tough and it has affected their relationship with their dad.

Not something for you to have a say or control over I’m afraid.

It's so funny to me though how many forums there are on here about single mums dating and women are the ones encouraging them to focus on the kids. Men introducing kids to strangers is safe but women aren't safeguarding enough.
For my situation I think I will strongly encourage he applies common sense. What he chooses to do with that is up to him but at least I'll know I at least tried to put their needs first.
The last thing I want is for them to feel pushed out or for it to affect their relationship with him but I guess its outside my control. Would be nice for them to have a stable upbringing though!

“For my situation I think I will strongly encourage he applies common sense.”

You are no longer in a relationship with this man, you don’t get to talk to him like this. What he does in his private life now is absolutely none of your business and by speaking to him patronisingly like this you will only cause friction and arguments.

I apologise if it seems that way. He introduced them to someone in a very relaxed setting where they were off playing and did not even learn the ladies name.. and then the next time they met, were expected to share living arrangements with her and another child. To me common sense says that is not ok. The point I was trying to make is if the mum did the same with a man they did not know, then it would be a different response.
I dont care who he's with or what he does but I do care if the kids feel uncomfortable when they're with him and so should he.
Up until that holiday was booked he had repeatedly told them there wasnt going to be a week away that year because his family members couldn't afford it.
It's all very annoying and I actually dislike having any involvement at all, to me it screams he wanted to go away but didnt want to have them alone so he invited someone he's seeing. His own family think its bizarre because hes not serious enough to have introduced them to her. The kids will be the ones that end up heartbroken and its sad. Obviously I want to avoid that if at all possible.

I mean, you're right - but you also need to be realistic about what results attempting to dictate what happens in his life and in his parenting time are likely to have. Should he be a better parent? Yes. But you can't force him to be a better parent. He may be more likely to listen if you come at it from the child's point of view and relay your children's concerns and discomfort to him and keep it focused on them (but maybe not, if he's just determined to do his own thing). Telling someone to use common sense is meaningless, common sense means different things to different people.

Concern is likely to be higher with a mum and a strange man because statistically speaking children are more at risk from men. That's the way it is, unfortunately. And I do think also that if the genders were reversed here, a father would get exactly the same advice in the absence of any evidence of concern, that he can of course try to advocate for his children if they are unhappy, but ultimately he cannot control his ex partner's life or choices. Obviously if you have any evidence to suggest a new partner does pose a risk, then that's different.

Yeah thats fair enough. As a plot twist he passed me her number and we were actually texting. She apparently reached out to me at the beginning of summer (through him) and was under the impression I was too busy to meet (I only learnt about her through the kids at the end of summer). The entire situation could of been avoided.
We have arranged to meet up and hopefully that will put my mind at ease.

I was friends with my now wife (both women) for a while before we actually got together so already knew the children. When we did get together, we were very cautious around them until we were sure it was actually going to go somewhere. Mind you, we were very cautious about ruining a friendship too so it took for ever to get together in the first place!
Their father, though, different girl every month or so it appeared, essentially he needed them to look after the children as he wasn't capable of doing so.
All you can do is provide the stability and routine if you think your ex isn't going to do so. Be their safe base.

I think its taken me a while to realise that. I just dont want them to have any childhood trauma/issues ultimately but I can only control what goes on in my own house cant I!

my guess is because you're a stepmum and stepmums are perpetually held to as many double standards as possible!

I agree with everything you've said. If you have a reasonable coparent relationship with him, perhaps you could let him know the kids get very attached quickly, so if he could bear that in mind, as he might not be aware how it affects them.

What's the worse that can come of the conversation.

He can live his life as he does, that that doesn't mean he shouldn't take the kids into consideration. Abs realise how his actions affect them.

Unfortunately he tends to put his own feelings first.
When I met his partner she agreed with everything I said... from a mum perspective and then she relayed the conversation to him and he basically threw it back in my face. They recently booked and planned a day out with her and her little one but only included one of his own kids even though it was his weekend for both being there. Its just hard trying to teach someone how things like that stick and will cause resentment from one and superiority complex from the other. I am at the point I'm past trying to guide him though and as sad as it is the kids will just figure it out themselves without me undoing/fixing the issues all the time.