How to deal with step children

[Gingerninger10373]

Hi

I wanted some advice. I met my SC at and older age, so I haven’t felt it correct to act as a parent to them. My partner and I have been together years and have DC. My SC I’m finding more rude, ungrateful and obnoxious as the years go on. My DP doesn’t always correct their rudeness towards me and it gets on my nerves.

Has anyone experienced this and if so what ways have you found best to deal with, or block it out?
more for my own sanity than anything else

You have a DP problem, he needs to sort it.

They are rude and obnoxious because their Father allows it.
They are obviously old enough to be told to cop on and have some respect. That's your partners role. However, I would expect outback if they are used to getting their own way.

Sorry unsure if I’m being stupid I don’t quite understand the end.
Agreed on DP it’s something we are trying to work on
Just need ways to cope in the interim

Sorry outback should read pushback!

I wouldn’t spend time with them if they’re rude to you.

DP needs to resolve this quickly. If he won’t, then you put up or leave.

They are teens sorry realised it sounded like I meant adult SC

Look up the term "disengagement".

In your position (and not knowing how old the SCs are or how often they stay with you) I would avoid them as much as you can and explain to DP that you are doing this deliberately and that it is because their behaviour is unacceptable. Be matter-of-fact about it - he already recognises their behaviour is a problem, so he can't deny that or make out you being unreasonable.

I'd also stop getting involved in any social planning or food management for them as much as you can - leave it to your DP.

So presumably they were very young when you first met them as I think you said you've been with your partner for years?
Have they always been this way? Or did it become more difficult after your children were born? In what way are they rude? Is it more than general teenage behaviour?
I think it's difficult to advise without more information

My almost adult SC are astonishingly rude to me, my DC and my DH too. If he pulls them up they have an (almost adult) tantrum and storm back off to their mum who is always delighted by all the drama as she’s the one enabling it all.

I’ve decided to deal with it by having fuck all to do with them. It’s my first and only time on this planet too and I refuse to spend it being bullied by two teenagers.

My SD is ignorant and rude to me too. She's allowed to get away with it by her dad most of the time (unless I kick up a stink which I do on occasion). My stepson is marginally better. They used to be nicer to deal with but I am fairly certain their mum has poisoned them against me. I don't want my DH to have to pick between me or his kids, he knows they can be rude but he feels powerless to change it because they are only with us a couple of days a week (they're teenagers). I'm hoping things get better in time... in the meantime I practice disengagement and avoid them as much as I can.

You don’t need to find ways to cope with it you need to be calling your husband out on it every single time it happens and he doesn’t correct his rude children.

I agree with posters who say disengage. You can't change them or your partner but you can change how you respond. Basic politeness in your own home is a very minimal requirement and if you are not getting it keep out of the way. Don't engage in conversation at dinner and if they are rude pick up your dinner and walk away to eat it in front of the tv. Don't ask them about their lives or get involved with any social events, driving, cooking etc. There is so much misogyny and disrespect aimed at step mothers, it's awful, but you don't have to be around it especially in your own home.

Reading this is so crazy!! This is exactly why I just joined this site, right now.. I have a SD who treats me the same exact way. I got on this site to not feel so alone with this… it’s so difficult. But everyone gave you the BEST advice. Disengaging is the answer. We have one life, we don’t deserve to be mistreated. They will grow up… this will pass, hopefully .. but disengaging is the key to getting through this.. we naturally want to fix things, but this isn’t in our control. This is DH job, not yours.

It’s hard to know what is normal teen level of rude and u grateful as most are

Yes disengaging is the way forward. I disengaged 3 years ago and wish I'd done it years earlier instead of always trying to make it work between us. No I wasn't the OW but ex always stirred it up. I'm done.

Check out the step parenting subreddit. Most replies on Mumsnet tend to quite hostile to stepparents.

🙏Thank you, Will do :)