Picked kids up. Clothes bag missing parts of school uniform again

[Noschooluniformagain]

Firstly this is my brothers issue not mine.

His ex wife and him do 50/50, she works shifts so most pick up drop off are at either end of a school day but several times a month he gets them from her house.

however yesterday I was at his when he went to get them (they are 5 mins away) and when he returned he was upset, she was drunk again, the bag she packed for the children didn’t have a full school uniform, and the packed lunch boxes were still full of Friday’s uneaten lunch. Apparently this is a common occurrence. He’s bought the school uniform twice now because she doesn’t send it properly with them. (he’s spoken to a family law solicitor who’s told him it’s unlikely he’d get full custody)

I stayed with the kids who were so happy to be back at home with Daddy, 4&7 while he went to the local supermarket to buy more school uniform.

hes a great Dad but struggling money wise. I said he needs to tell her she sends the kids in their school uniform the days he picks them up from her house. Just wondering what other things can be put in place to stop this happening.

he’s recently stopped sending them back in clothes he buys them as he never sees them again.

just realised this is probably the wrong thread because it’s not step parenting but is about children going between homes.

Is the fact she was drunk when he picked them up not the issue here…..

Yes and he’s been repeatedly advised that it will not get him full custody and to wait until she does something more significant. Ive suggested he changes his family solicitor to a different one but he says hes had this from two different ones now.

I would talk to Social Service. It's not a god home enviroment.
And buy second hand uniforms.

So advise from one solicitor that he wouldn’t get full custody and he’s happy to have them in a house with a drunk? I’d be calling social services, and explaining the children wouldn’t be returned until mum was stable. He needs to step UP.

Speak to the social services about what has been happening and speak to their school safeguarding lead to flag up any issues that you are not seeing and they must report to social services. This is a child neglect/ welfare problem.

The issue is that she was drunk when she picked them up!

Locating missing clothing is part of co-parenting. We always have extra of everything and have a child centred approach of, kids clothes belong to them.

Honestly the drunk thing needs addressing

From a practical perspective, could he send a bag with them to put any clothing they take off in? Then it should all be there?

is she drunk to the point that she’s incapable of looking after them?

I had a brief chat with the children whilst he was out at the supermarket and it would seem that she’s pretty much like this all the time

The youngest one yesterday laughed and said mummy fell over again

They’ve both been told that this is not appropriate behaviour for their mum and it’s not how you would expect a parent to behave.

I’m not quite sure what my brother is waiting for her to slip up on to be honest if it were me, I think I would be not sending them back.

They’ve both been told that this is not appropriate behaviour for their mum and it’s not how you would expect a parent to behave.

It was unfair and pointless to tell them that. They’re 4 and 7. What are they meant to with that information?

Now all they know is that mum is not being a good parent to them, yet their dad is leaving them with her 50% of the week.

He needs to be significantly more proactive. Has he told school and social services about her drinking? He also needs to go to
court to get full custody. He needs to at least try.

Those poor kids.
Your brother needs to
A) check he has parental responsibility
B) raise a child welfare issue with school about the mother and also with social services about what the kids have said
C) notify the mother that he is going to become primary parent due to concerns bout her drinking and falling over etc
I think if there's nothing legal to say 50/50 then he could just keep them. He needs to get different legal advice from a solicitor who's actually going to act for their client.

Right... But little kids shouldn't be expected to carry the responsibility for transporting everything between households so stuff like making sure school uniform travels between homes has to be sorted by the adults. Otherwise you end up with all the uniforms in one house and none for school the next day, even if you keep buying them.

This is a difficult situation, I understand your frustrations around uniforms etc.

My advice would be this & I speak from experience. My husband and I have had his children full time for 14 months now with a final lives with order due to very similar behaviours from birth mum.

Diary everything, this will be a long and laborious situation which is not going to be fixed overnight.

Get on the good side of the school, ask to speak with the welfare team and explain the situation. What's their attendance like when with mum? If she doesn't take any responsibility for getting them to school then this is another one to note.

If they're any good they will support you to do a social services referral for assessment.

Both homes (and adults) will be assessed by social services & decisions made.

You can also apply to the court for a lives with court order. Where the children will live (sleep over) you and visit mum.

If there is enough weight on mum being chaotic and unpredictable and there's evidence of significant levels of emotional and neglectful harm coming to the children in her care it'll be in your favour.

Throughout the whole process, make it holistic around the children (don't mention financial burden, the frustrations at first) how you are much better able to enrich their lives etc.

I co-parent 50/50. In this scenario I would check the bags on the doorstep to see what’s in there. Anything missing - ask mum to fetch it. The lunch box thing doesn’t really matter, your brother can clean it out or get his own lunch boxes.

Schools often do old school uniform sales at super cheap prices (at least mine does) as a way to build up really cheap spares.

I’d never criticise their dad to my kids (though in private I think he’s a grade A asshole) as it’s not fair on them.

You are in a tricky situation but safeguarding is everyone’s responsibility so if you think your brother should ring social services then in fact YOU should ring them yourself.

Thank you all. I’ve shown DBro this post.