DD and SD dynamic - what to do next?

[MumDoingHerBest]

DP and I have been together since my DD7 was quite young. Her dad and I separated when she was very small, and he wasn’t very involved at all at the time, but over time has become a pretty fantastic, involved dad and we now have a 60/40 split of DD’s time with us/him. DD has a wonderful relationship with DP who is involved in her home life, schooling, clubs etc at her request.

DP also has two older DDs from his previous marriage. They spend EOW with us - we have tried repeatedly to increase this but they would rather stick with the current arrangement, which is obviously their right. So that’s the set up at the moment. We have all of the girls on the same weekend, at their request (in the past admittedly). The 3 girls get on very well and all enjoy similar activities/being outdoors & active. There is however enough of an age gap between SDs and DD to mean that my DD is leaps and bounds behind in terms of maturity, ability, social skills and so on. She really is very young in comparison.

We also have two shared DDs who are 2 and just 4 months. On the whole, we have enough support, money, space and time to be able to give all of the girls what they need. Not necessarily always what they want but our home is largely a happy one and all of the girls know that they are very much wanted and loved, by both of us. However…

Youngest SD is a lovely girl, but has gone through several phases of stealing, lying and generally being really unkind to her sister and to my DD7. We manage it best we can with compassion and understanding for the wider situation but clearly these behaviours aren’t acceptable from any of them. Lately, she has been directing her unkind words/behaviour mostly at my DD7. I won’t go into details but it’s things that leave my DD7 in tears and feeling like her day/weekend has been spoiled. DP is very much on top of it when he’s witness to it but if I’m the one seeing it then I have to try and deal with it and SD goes very quiet/sullen/shocked that she has been caught out and simply won’t speak or apologise. She knows what she is doing is wrong but still it keeps happening.

DD7 and SD are otherwise like two peas in a pod and regularly spend hours playing together through choice, but due to the age gap DD7 often gets steamrolled into doing things SD’s way, and never gets to choose the game or be the character she wants to be in pretend play and so on.

So anyway, DD7 has come to me a few times now and said she finds it too much when SDs are here, she feels like she’s ‘stressed’ and anxious all weekend even when she’s having fun. I have previously asked her if she’d like me to talk to her dad about a weekend swap so she can have some weekends just her (and younger siblings) and she’s said she would be sad not to see stepsisters. However more recently she has said yes please. So, I guess my question is…

How would you deal with this? I don’t want to essentially put an end to their close relationship, and when birthdays/christmases are largely spent together, I don’t want to create any awkwardness or distance between them all. However above all of that my priority is my DD7’s happiness and I have to listen to her and look out for her. How would you frame it to SDs? How would you try to prevent this behaviour in the future so that DD7 can actually enjoy her time with us all? Is it just normal sibling bickering/will they all go through phases of picking on each other?

Sorry for the essay, and please be kind - this is weighing really heavy on my mind & heart after a pretty challenging weekend. My mental health is also fairly poor at the moment so if you are here to bash me for whatever reason, please don’t. Constructive and honest (but kind) opinions welcome…

I would be led by your DD here. In my blended set up the DC all got on really well initially, as they got older and developed their own personalities, likes and dislikes it became problematic.

Can you have a chat with their DF and make amendments to the schedule? Perhaps take her to her DF after a family meal on the Friday or for her to return for Sunday lunch? That way you can maintain contact between them but its contained.

How old are your SDC?

Why don't you just do a temporary swap, a few weekends where they don't see each other for some breathing space. It may just be sibling fighting but if your DD is asking for space I think you owe it to her.

Frame it as her dad wants to swap for a little while. You don't have to put the blame on SD.

It sounds like you’re doing a great job with them all - can’t even imagine how hard it must be, even if the dynamics are generally good.
I'm not a fan of ‘white lies’ typically and prefer to be upfront with people, children included but do wonder if in this instance telling one may be the best option - along the lines that your DD’s dad requested a swap perhaps? Good luck!

You don't have to frame it as anything 'DD is with her dad'.

I wouldn't hesitate and part of this is for the SD's dad to step up and be there more often anyway.

Surely there must have been other times when you've needed to swap weekends with her Dad or re-jig the schedule temporarily? Just do that for a few weeks to give them all a break from each other. It sounds like they generally get on well but 5 girls under the same roof does sound fairly intense. I imagine they could all do with some breathing space.

How long ago did you meet your boyfriend?

How old are your step daughters?

how old was your daughter when she met your boyfriend?

DP and I have been together since my DD7 was quite young.

She is presently 7. Still very young

I don't think you need to 'address' it with your step daughters - they are there to see their dad and would probably welcome some time with more focus on them since their time with their dad is limited. Things change so frequently when they're young and sometimes you have to roll with the option that meets the most people's needs without overthinking it or imagining it will be forever.

Hey OP ..
You sound fab to be fair ☺️..
Sounds like a happy home all in all & girls are lucky to have such caring parents & step parents..
I wonder what’s up with SD though , there must be something up or else why go through phases of stealing & lieing? ..What age is she ?
What’s her mom like ?
Not fair obviously on your daughter when she is acting out ..
I don’t know what to advise really only that SD isn’t happy about something, there’s something going on there & I’d be inclined to getting to the bottom of what it is .. x x

Your DP only has his kids EOW - the focus of those weekends should be him spending time with the kids, rather than on all the kids spending time together. He should be taking them out, or doing stuff at home, just him and them. While this is happening you can spend time with your daughter. The shared children can be shared between the two of you. This will relieve the pressure on your daughter and his younger daughter who is clearly struggling with the current arrangements as much as your daughter is. You can all come together for a meal on Saturday night or Sunday lunch.

Bear in mind… in only 7 years your daughter has experienced the break up of her parents, had a poor relationship with her own father which has developed into a better relationship, has gained a step parent, two new step siblings, then two more half siblings. It sounds exhausting and stressful and I don’t think it’s fair to put the reason for that on the step siblings visiting - her stress must come from the constant change of her home environment. Sorry if that’s harsh to hear.

Meanwhile, the step siblings sound young too as you refer to playing and wanting to be characters. In a similar time frame they have also experienced the break up of their parents, their father meeting a new partner, their father becoming a step father to another child, and father to two more children, all of whom spend more time with him than they get to. Equally exhausting and stressful for them!

Concentrate on each child getting quality alone time with their own parents, focus less on building a sibling relationship.

Hiya, I have my hands full this morning but will get around to replying to all of the other responses shortly - thank you so much everyone for taking the time to respond and share different perspectives. It’s really helpful.

I wholeheartedly agree with everything you have said. We do try our best for all of the girls, but I recognise that when we are all together there simply isn’t enough attention to go around ALL of the time.

I am the first to suggest to DP that we ‘orchestrate’ days/periods of time during school holidays etc where we have our ‘separate’ children at separate times, so that the other parent can look after our young DDs in order to facilitate quality time for me with DD7 or him with SDs. He is however very much of the opinion that we are a family unit and should be focusing on the sibling relationships. That being said all of the girls do get that focused time, eg activities/days out/extended family visits either just DP and SDs or me and DD7, but I recognise we could/should probably do more of that.

I think a few separate weekends as a trial run is a good place to start. I do recognise there are many other factors at play & it is not just DD7 & SDs relationship causing DD7 this upset/stress, but I am going off what my DD7 has communicated to me. SDs are also given many opportunities to voice their honest feelings but generally do say they want to be ‘all together’ most of the time - SDs relationship between themselves is very up and down and eldest SD often wants nothing to do with youngest SD so youngest SD enjoys having DD7 to play with. She is far more mature than DD7 but enjoys younger play when her younger siblings are around. They aren’t close in age, think almost secondary & well into secondary ages.

Your second post has reinforced the feeling I had that they are spending too much time together - siblings even full ones need time and space away from each other - personal space and individual activities etc

but the other side is sibling relationships are up and down mine can really love each other and hate each other over a weekend

but as well she is a little bit of an island isn’t she in the middle with two younger full siblings below and two older full siblings above - it may well be that this is the easiest thing to say is causing her stress but there are others

it is a lot for her to have to deal with - she was alone 80% of the time. Now she is never alone apart from at her dads she needs space and you to herself

with her new siblings you to herself and your DP taking the younger two as well is vital

Toy really don't have to discuss all your decisions as a dm to your dsd... Dd is at her df's is all she needs to be told.

Ages are important but you have chosen not to share.

you daughter has just turned 7

When did you partner and his two children steamroll in to her life?

I think your partner is forcing what suits him best rather than the children.
Bottom line is your DD7 is stressed and verbalising her distress to you.
She should feel safe in your home, but doesn't.
She feels bullied by an older child in her home.

Definitely swap the weekends.
Have a frank conversation with your partner.
What EXACTLY is he doing to deal with his older child bullying yours, so that she doesn't want to be at home?
He needs to be all over this.
Your DD7 has been through such turmoil in her very short life, deal with firmly or you could have real problems as she grows up.

No one should feel stressed in their home.
That is completely unacceptable.

5 children is a lot.
Could you get some help in so that he can spend real time with his daughters on their weekend as a priority?
Mind yourself, you have a lot going on.

Could you and your ex arrange your time differently and do 50/50 where you drop off/pick up mid-weekend? Maybe do drop offs Sunday morning so that your DD is either with your partners kids Saturdays or Sundays, but not both.

Now that I read this post , it makes a lot of sense ..
Yes Op your daughter needs to feel completely happy & content in her own home & she doesn’t..
You do have a lot going on & I hope it all works out for you x

I agree with @Firedrink .

It sounds like your husband can’t be bothered to actually invest any time and effort with his daughter and is using the old ‘sibling relationships are more important’ line to have an easy life. Both girls deserve more.

If you haven't already had a conversation with your DP along the lines of what you have detailed here then you need to do so, urgently, it sounds like he needs to be fully aware of how badly the "errant" SD's behaviour is affecting his DD with you and if allowed to continue then she will inevitably destroy the blended family dynamic that you seem to have had previously.

You sound very thoughtful and kind. I would try to approach this as lightly as possible, as dynamics shift over time and might shift back again. Maybe do one or two swapped weekends (every other time) and just say DD’s dad wanted to swap. If it seems to be working well for all involved I’d blame the baby say DP and you miss having so much time to catch up with SDs as you did before new one arrived and miss them so you thought your do a few ‘solo’ weekends. (And get your DP to do something with his girls, even if only briefly, in those weekends without the smallest ones). Perhaps the baby’s arrival is impacting younger SD’s behaviour. It’s hard to lose time/attention but also could be jealous of your DD being there all the time and her not being. In any case - perhaps try not to put too much into the explanation and frame it as temporary or multiple one-offs spaced out a bit, so you can flex back or differently without an issue. Good luck!

Swap the weekends and see how it goes.

He is however very much of the opinion that we are a family unit and should be focusing on the sibling relationship

This is simply wrong. His children's most important relationship is with him, their father. They only see him eow to start which sucks for them. A lot of the resentment and behavious from your sd may come from the fact her father is prioritising "one big happy family" over his individual relationship with her. She never gets to be the individual focus of her dad.

It requires less of him to push everything onto "family unit" and sibling relationships but even with full siblings, kids need to know their parents see them as individuals.