I strongly dislike my SC

[Username0173642]

DSD is 15, DD is 3.

DSD has generally been okay, has a terrible attitude but manageable. Recently DSD is unbearable… her behaviour and attitude are disgusting, she’s a bully (to other kids but also recently towards me and DF in the house), she’s lies about pretty serious things (tells other family members we don’t feed her, if she doesn’t get what she wants for dinner - usually takeaway), she has no respect for DF which is not helped by DM and MIL undermining his parenting or discipline (she plays situations of she is always victim). I don’t say this lightly but she’s a nasty piece of work. I am going to be honest I am getting to a point of really disliking and resenting DSD, my DP is a great dad to DD but her behaviour has called a lot of friction in our relationship and I’m not sure I can deal with it any more.

DM takes a friend approach to parenting so DD has no boundaries and can do what she wants.
DP hates conflict so is pretty useless in setting boundaries too.

I did NOT want my DD to have a broken home but I’m also worried about how this will impact her, she’s so much more aware of what’s going on and under. My mental health has declined massively because of all of this, and Im not able to pour from a cup that’s been empty for nearly a year.

I don’t see how your partner is a great dad if he doesn’t have boundaries for his daughter, knowing she doesn’t have them with her mum either. It sounds like this girl is the consequence of having 2 ineffective and rubbish parents. You can’t do much about her mum, but you can insist your partner step up and actually parents. If he doesn’t, then yes, it may be best to leave. Unfortunately she’ll still have a useless man as a parent.

@TheStormWeShare sorry I meant to the DD we share

Has anyone spoken to Dsd to see what her issue is? What’s she like at school? Does she act this way for her mum also?

You need to tell your husband to lay down some rules and so does her mother.

Speak to you husband and tell him how you feel, hopefully it’ll give him a kick up the ass, ultimately you can leave if things don’t improve after

She's 15, short of becoming a junky when she grows up, you're probably in her most difficult season of parenting.
Her hormones will settle, she will grow up and she will stop being less of an issue.
As for your partner, have you set your boundaries with him?
I will not accept X
I expect Y
Be clear with your desires going forward and lay out real consequences. Tell him now far you've been pushed and now serious it is for you.

Have you just started a thread about birthday and Christmas presents for step kids?

So he’s a ‘great dad’ when it’s the easier bit with a young child who thinks you’re their world and everything is exciting. But not a great dad as soon as it gets challenging in the teenage years when you need to set boundaries and parent them.

He’s not a great dad at all. This is not an SD problem. It’s a DP problem.

@Simplyrewarding nope?

@Idontknowwhatmynameis I’d say he find parenting a lot easier when both parents are aligned with their parenting style and discipline etc. no way am I saying the no boundaries is okay, it couldn’t piss me off more but I have also seen him undermined when he does do the right thing so DSD has no respect for him at all

What does he do when she shows him a lack of respect?

Teens need a lot of time (even though they’ll try to push you away) and a lot of talk talk talk (which is exhausting in itself but can be built into an interesting day out). Is he spending real quality time with her to build/maintain their relationship? Or is she expected to fit in around him and her younger sibling?

It’s really difficult when one parent is a permissive parent because it doesn’t empower the other parent to actually parent. For your OH to effectively set boundaries it needs a joined up approached from the DM aswell, otherwise your OH is always going to the enemy and DSD always victimise herself.

So you can’t enforce rules or boundaries in your home and you’ve essentially got a dictator in your home.

I don’t know what the solution is and tbh I don’t see how you can combat it if the Mum isn’t prepared to co-parent effectively with Dad. It’s absolutely to the child’s detriment, because it’s at this stage when they really need some guidance to mould into a half decent adult. I have seen this be the stage of a relationship breakdown between the NRP and the child time and time again.

Sorry you’re experiencing this OP, it’s really difficult when you lose control of the household as a parent to your own child.

What's she actually doing? Teenage girls can be tricky. They're going through huge hormonal changes, friendship challenges, discovering heart break and have very little say over most of their time. She's also shunted between parents and a step mum with complex relationships with her and now a new baby. Have some empathy and try to bond with her.

Parenting a teenager is not like parenting a younger child. They are much more independent and by the end of their teens they are adults. You can set boundaries but if they aren’t on board with them they will get round them. If they are scared of you they will do that more secretly than if they are not.

You also don’t get their respect automatically. It sounds like DH’s relationship with her has broken down. Maybe they need more time when it is just the two of them doing something together.

Makes up lies about things and people but not little lies pretty serious ones, as I said telling people we don’t feed her if she’s refused food at home, including school to which the school had to intervene understandably due to safeguarding.

We went all out for her birthday last year and she lied to the whole family including DM and in-laws and said we did nothing for her.

She will lie about situations such as when she’s being told off by DP or in-laws and spins it completely so that she is the victim. If I hadn’t witnessed this on numerous occasions I would have been non the wiser. She’s pretty vicious to cousins and doesn’t have any friends anymore because quite frankly people get sick of how horrible she is to them. She doesn’t have anything nice to say about anyone instead just picks out peoples flaws or is really quite mean about most people particularly their looks.
“friend” had a pretty nasty accident and hurt themselves quite badly and she laughed at it - literally 0 empathy.

If she is not getting her own way in the house she’s pretty vile to me and will dictate anything she possibly can. Family often pander to her to save it getting nasty and for the sake of a bit of peace.

She’s a pretty negative person to be around if she’s not being horrible to someone, she’s being horrible about someone. She’s never got anything nice to say about ANYTHING.

But the thing that gets me the most is the stuff that she lies about. I find it really concerning and I don’t even enjoy conversations anymore as I don’t know what the truth and what’s a lie.

He needs to engage with her. All
of the most successful fathers I know are very involved with their teenagers as people. They actually spend time one on one just being with them. What are her hobbies? Does he engage with them?

My kid’s Dad goes on runs with our kids if they enjoy running, brings them shopping, goes to see bands with them, goes out for a quiet coffee with them regularly, coaches their hobbies from an early age, basically is fully interested in them as actual people. He is not on his own with that all of the good Dads around here do the same even the ones who are only seeing their kids at weekends.

The bad Dads don’t do that stuff.

Which is your DH towards your DSD?

Why did you enter into this relationship?

I can't bear other people's children and would be completely unable to treat them as my own, so I will never be a stepmum.

Has she got any mental health support in place?

She sounds really hard work. She also has a 3 year old sibling which isn’t easy either for her or you. What support are you getting as a family? Tbh I’d be prioritising family therapy (preferably including your dad’s mum) because this after all is your dd’s dad and family environment as well.

Ds was an easy teen as it goes but I see a lot of awful sounding conflict at this time. They really do need parenting that isn’t conflicted - seems to matter less what style of parenting is involved and more that parents are on the same page.

Dsd’s mum

She sounds a very unhappy child. Think of the saying 'Behaviour is communication' - it's as true for a teenager as it is for a toddler. She sounds like she needs some actual mental health support, instead of you thinking she's horrible and her dad doing nothing.

Does DP know how unhappy you are? How it’s affecting your younger DD? His friends approach to parenting is failing absolutely everyone. If he doesn’t you need to spell out exactly how miserable you’re finding life with SD and that it’s making you really question the future.

Teenagers can be vile at the best of times. Tbh having her parents split, a new step parent and then a new half sibling at the age of 12 probably didn’t help matters.

You say you didn’t want your own child to have a broken home, so clearly you understand that splits are tough on kids. Imagine this was your own DD in 10 years, if you and DP had split and he’d got a new wife and baby, how do you think she would be feeling?

I do agree her behaviour is awful especially the lying. I can imagine it would be hard living with her even if she were your own, never mind if she’s not. But I can also see things from her perspective - she’s got a step mum and baby sibling that she had to just accept with no choice in the matter, and it’s probably clear you dislike her. Can you try to see life through her eyes?

What she needs most is a lot of time and undivided attention, mostly from her dad. He needs to be firmer with her absolutely and talk to her about how she is acting, but he needs to do this as part of a wider picture of loving her and being there for her unconditionally. It would also
help if you can at least try to give the impression that you like her.

14-15 is a lot worse than 16-17 IME. Hang in there.

Is there anything you like about her you can build on? She's had a pretty shit hand dealt to her and your dh needs to step up considerably and support her. However, you've chosen a life where you're a step mum and as the adult need to take responsibility for having a healthy relationship with your step daughter. If you want her behaviour to improve then you need to build a solid foundation so you can have proper positive conversations and boundaries. No good relationship starts with punishment and criticism. It's going to take a lot of time, patience and effort for things to improve and the first thing to shift is your mindset towards her.

A lot of people have said I need to shift my mindset but unfortunately I cannot and I simply don’t think I can continue.

I have multiple friends growing up and friends now who were or are step children and none of them either as teenagers now or in their teens acted like this. Most are from pretty similar situations and are truly lovely human beings, I can’t believe so many people will excuse such poor behaviour.

I don’t want my child to have a broken home because myself and my DP love eachother dearly and our relationship on the most part is great although this is causing massive strain. But I’d much rather my child see at least one happy parent out of the two, rather than two miserable parents even if it means me stepping away from this.

I think it could have been saved but I draw the line at the lies and manipulation.

DD DM will never be on board unfortunately and we have had to fix an awful lot due to her awful parenting.

I'm not excusing her poor behaviour by pointing out that you are the adult with free will in this situation and she is clearly miserable and having a shit time of it. She's still a child with pretty rubbish parents, a step mum who dislikes her and a toddler in the mix. She has no friends and is lying for attention. It's a grim situation all round but you have agency in this situation. How is us all condemning her and advocating for damaging your relationship further through tighter rules and sanctions but not developing an emotional bond going to help? You'll just drive her further away and increase her rebellion. You can walk away or try to fix this. It's up to you.

This child is the same as any other person she want to belong, she wants connection, she wants positive affirmation of her as a person, she wants to seen and heard. None of that is happening for her and she is acting out.

This is her parents problem not yours but her behaviour is communicating serious deficits in her needs being met.

As you say loads of kids don’t behave that way so don’t have either her temperament or her experiences.