How do you manage Christmas and birthday with step-children?

[Autumntime1234]

Been with DP for nearly 10 years, live together, got engaged this year and have a DD4. DP has a DD15 from previous relationship who stays frequently.

Every year me and DP purchase birthday and Christmas gifts together for my DD & SD. SD also gets gifts from her mother and step-father.

I have always had a good relationship with SD, however this year I feel like we have bonded and become closer. I’m not sure whether it’s because me and DP have got engaged or just age but she’s even decided to increase the time she spends with us. It has always been important to me to create a positive relationship with SD. I always want to include her and for her to feel very much loved in our home. My DD adores her DS and it’s lovely to see they have such a lovely relationship.

SD mother has messaged DP and suggested this year they should split the Christmas and birthday gifts for their DD and the gifts be from them both.

AIBU in feeling sidelined a little? It’s just made me feel like a spare part after all the years gifts have come from me and DP.
It just feels strange to now get gifts and for them to just be from me as opposed to me and her Dad.

I’m not sure whether to suggest to ask SD what she would prefer, a gift from her Mum and Dad or for things to remain as they are? The main thing is her happiness and what she feels comfortable with.

This is a really weird idea. I guess it would make sense if she wanted a one off, huge gift like a computer or a car or something but even then, in our family it would come from my stepdaughter mum, my husband and me not just mum and dad.

The only decent thing about your parents getting divorced is two lots of presents. Its a stupid idea I assume her mum is struggling with money

Maybe she can’t afford the type of gift that you and her dad are able to buy her together. That, along with your close relationship to SD might be making her feel a little sidelined?

Get your DP to find out the reason for this and work something out.

SD mother has messaged DP and suggested this year they should split the Christmas and birthday gifts for their DD and the gifts be from them both.

I agree this is an odd thing to suggest (especially if you and your DP have been together for 10 years). The only time it would make sense is if they were going her a very big, expensive gift - like a car, a computer/printer set up, a trip somewhere. Even then, I’d expect it to be from his ex (and possibly her partner, if she has one) and your DP AND you - ie all the adults, as no doubt it would be from joint funds.

If it is just a standard gift, I’d speak to your DH and say you are happy with the current set up, which you think reflects the state of your families better - her mother, and then DP and you, as opposed to “them” as a couple and you as an outsider. However I would leave it to him to make the decision, as it is his daughter, I’d be disappointed, and (as Mumsnet says) ‘have a DP problem, if he didn’t see my side, or at least explain why he held the differing view.

I hadn’t considered her affordability as me and DP are usually the one’s that cannot compete with her gifts. In the past she has told my DP how she has spent at least £2k on their DD for her birthday- way above our price range.
It’s hard to tell someone’s financial position but she has been on 3/4 family holiday’s this year so I can only assume every thing is okay? But it is just an assumption.

I would never want her to feel sidelined by my own relationship with SD. I’m supportive of boundaries and consequences her mum has put in place. I explain to SD she is loved by Mum and she wants to keep her safe etc. I came from a broken home myself and my parents still have zero contact 25years later! I have always wanted the opposite for my SD, I understand the complexities of a broken home and how this can impact a child.

I will definitely be getting DP to find out a little more for the reasoning behind the suggestion.

As a previous poster suggested, we could say the gift is from all the adults mum & partner, Dad and me.

Thanks for this, ‘disappointed’ is exactly how I feel about the current suggestion.

She does have a partner who they also share a child together. Since I met DP gifts have never been together, they have always been separate. Had it been in place from the beginning I suppose it would be the ‘norm’. I think it’s just strange to change the set-up now unless it is for a larger gift. I have spoken to DP and asked if this is the case but he’s under the impression SD wants normal gifts.

Just say no. It doesn’t work for you guys. We’ve only ever done one group gift but it was from dad and stepmom and mom and stepdad so he knew it was from us all and then the rest we kept separate.

I think it’s reasonably common to do joint gifts as kids get older because things like newest iPhone, school ski trip, driving lessons and car are so much more expensive than jewelry, smelliest, gadgets that you might get pre-teens.

Mum might also be noticing the discrepancy between DSD (2 sets of presents) and other children in her house (1 set of presents) and trying to even up a bit.

If this does happen I think that the gift should be from all 4 adults rather that just the two parents.

I could understand if it was the big ticket items or the feeling sidelined if SD seemed more happy with gifts on your side etc. Who would actually be doing the giving of the gifts, would mum and Dad be together to jointly do this? If not, one parent would be robbed of that.

She can suggest it, but your partner doesn’t have to agree.

I absolutely wouldn’t put DSD into the middle of this though by asking her.

I'd say fine to share the cost if it's a really expensive item. Then you could also buy her 'extras' from you and dp. But if you prefer not up, then tell Dp you want to continue as you are.

Hadn’t thought about this point of view, so can understand this might be the reasoning behind the suggestion.
The other child in their household is a toddler but I suppose it could be a concern for her for the future and wanting to iron this out now before I may become an issue.

I think this is absurd 😂😂

For 10 years you've done seperate gifts.. I wouldn't start doing joint gifts now. The only time I would even consider it would be if SD specifically requested something overly expensive (e.g. if she was older and wanted a car or if she wanted an expensive phone etc).

What did you Fiance say?

When I was with my now husband about 3 years, his ex suggested they split a birthday present for SS. I just told DH he was free to do that if he wanted but I wouldn't be contributing (I'd just get a seoerate gift myself) and that it would probably set the standard for every Xmas bday etc and I wasn't comfortable with it.

If it were me in this position OP, It wouldn’t occur to me that I wasn’t included in this. Has SD’s mother specifically said that you are not to be part of the joint gift giving? If it’s joint then my natural assumption would be that the gift is from all the parents jointly, not just mum and dad?

I’d agree with PP that it’s not uncommon as they age. I used to do seperate gifts but as dc have gotten older hsve clubbed together with ex as DS15 wants an e-bike and his brother wants to go on the £1200 school ski trip!

I think it’d be important to set a budget from the get go though. My budget per child per year would be £500 over birthday and Christmas minus any expensive trips.

Happy to go halves but not on a £2k thing!

Is it that the ex is just wanting your dp to chip in to her expensive gift-giving?
Either way, as others have said, just because she’s suggested it, doesn’t mean you have to agree to it.