SDD using ED type language age 9

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Please let me preference saying I do not judge anyone on their appearance and that’s not what this is about as I use descriptions but I am providing context to this discussion and issue.

SDD is only 9 and a couple of months ago started making alarming comments about her body and food. She thinks she has fat legs and is restricting certain foods.

This did not come out of the blue, DH first got a text from his ex to say she was concerned SDC was getting chunky and DH was giving her the wrong foods. DH responded she’s a healthy weight (she is perfectly proportioned on 50th centile) and active and she’s fine and we have a balanced diet.

SDD’s mum has a very low body weight, I don’t want to be disrespectful or judgemental but sometimes looks pale and unwell in recent months but I don’t know her well enough to ask if she’s ok. DH says she’s always been a slender build but everyone who knows her says she barely ever eats anything, mostly just fruit. This is similar to what SDD says too about what she wants to eat. DH also said they had a lot of fertility issues due to lack of menstrual cycle. I don’t think DH really knows much about ED’s, as in my own female experience there are a lot of 🚩 here, but it’s not something we can really ask her about or bring up.

It’s not just me, his female friends and relatives have witnessed SDD saying alarming things so we have all brought it up with him that something is not right. She seems to quiz the DC on what they have eaten and they report it back to her.

DH doesn’t really know what to do next. It’s not like this is something you can text your ex wife about is it? It’s so sensitive just worried about this getting worse for DD and it taking hold.

We are both concerned I don’t think SDD’s mum has a healthy or rational view of body size as SDD is obviously even just visually a very health weight and in proportion and is not ‘chunky’. Mum has weighed the DC and they know their weights and told us, so we took their heights and looked up the details and SDD is fine (SDD doesn’t know we looked this up).

If you weigh your young children, they will gain weight over time as they grow larger naturally

We are giving DD very positive messages about her body, keeping active in ways she enjoys, and we tackle the food issue if it brought up by DD that what she is eating is a good balanced diet.

She says that she is not getting this from any girls at school and her friends don’t talk about their bodies, but she compares herself to her friends in her head and feels fat.

Does anyone have any advice please such a sensitive topic I am aware so very grateful

I don't know what I would do, maybe speak to the school and ask for support or to be directed to other support? It might be difficult without the mother on board though.
There are some support numbers online too if you Google it. I would want to get lots of professional advice first before I decided what to do because saying or doing the wrong thing can make a big impact.

Your dh probably needs to do a fair bit to get this recognised as an issue but one thing which I think that you could do is ensure that she goes into teenage years less reliant on parents for healthy, balanced meals.

Does she know how to cook? Is it the sort of thing she might enjoy? If so I would get her to a stage that she can self sufficiently make 5 or 6 of her favourite healthy meals completely independently from scratch.

Once she can do that I would promise her that any time she wants to cook in either house, you’ll buy the ingredients. Framing it as a lovely surprise for her mum on special occasions to not need to cook.

I think you could look at nutrition with her. See what she should be eating and why she needs more of certain foods and fewer others.

I think the teaching her to cook is a good idea, a child's cook book and a pinny should be on the Xmas list.

Thanks all SDD has a very good appetite and likes food, she isn’t so into the cooking process we have tried to involve her. We do talk about nutrition and food groups and how your body uses up energy in a science way, and how a balanced diet works.

The issue is the will often turn down anything she worries is sugary. This may be a small thing now but we don’t want it to grow. So at a birthday party, she would be reluctant to eat or drink things that may contain sugar and she starts spiralling about it saying ‘I can’t have this’. She often gets very anxious about eating a dessert. I have also witnessed her reporting back to mum how much sugar she’s consumed or reassuring mum she turned foods down, as if it’s an achievement. DH is aware mum has a bug bear about sugar, now SDD has it and also adding in that she feels fat is scary

I agree that isn’t a healthy attitude for a 9 year old. I wouldn’t make too much of a fuss about her turning down sugar, but I wouldn’t praise it either. I’d just say something like “a balanced diet with a bit of everything is best for everyone” on repeat.

If she’s got a healthy appetite that’s a good thing, and definitely teach her to cook incase mum starts restricting meals.

Can you offer plain yoghurt with frozen berries or fruit at your house for a standard dessert - both are healthy and no added sugar. Might stop her worrying about eating it whilst not reducing her calories.