My wife and I have been together almost 17 years. When we first met she had SD (6). Biological Dad was nowhere to be seen and had abandoned them from finding out my wife was pregnant. My wife had relationships before me but I was the only man who stayed long enough to be called Dad.
A few years later and we had two of our "own" children but I had worked hard to make sure SD never felt that she was on the outside. I care and love her as my own daughter. My family accepted her as their own with my mum and brother taking her on holiday when we couldn't afford to. She got every opportunity we could afford to give and what we couldn't afford we borrowed to make sure she wanted for nothing.
Over the years SD has had issues with lying, some small ones and some big ones, as every year past we thought she had grown out of them only to be disappointed. From lying about silly things like taking junk food without permission to lying to neighbours about me not feeding her. As she grew older we hoped they had stopped but in her A-Levels she lied about her grades till it was too late to help her. The worst of the lies happened 18 months ago.
When SD wanted to go to University I was proud and happy. Both her mother and I agreed that if she chose to move out and live on her own that would be fine and if she chose to stay at home and go to a local university she could stay at home rent free providing she treated university as a priority. She said she wanted to stay at home and we agreed. I told her she was 18 and as an adult her mum and I couldn't force her to do anything but we would both appreciate it if she would let us know that if she was staying out she would let us know she was safe.
Everything was fine until her 3rd and final year. SD got into a new relationship and suddenly we never saw her. I understood this was a new and exciting thing for her but I was also clear that this should compliment her life and University was still her priority. My wife understood my concerns and told me to wait to see if the new relationship affected her studies. In her first set of exams she had a total meltdown. She had not been studying or preparing for her exams at all.
My wife and I reset our expectations on her prioritising University and told her we needed to see that commitment by her spending less time with the new partner and focusing on her studies. The following months SD started telling my wife and I more about this new relationship and they were all red flags. She described new partner as controlling, if SD didnt spend time with her she would "kick off". She would speak disrespectfully to SD in front of her parents and friends.
I started out being supportive and understanding telling SD she was worth better than that. My wife also spoke to her about having proper boundaries and making sure she paid attention to red flags. As SD continued to ignore us both I got increasingly frustrated and annoyed. As did my wife. SD had been lying about studying and seeing new GF. The rift this caused was getting bigger and bigger. After her final exams I told her that she would have to start paying rent and at that point she all but moved out.
A few short months later she announced that she was moving in with new GF and both her mother and I were worried because she had continued to tell us things about new GF that were red flags. Worried about this my wife and I sat down and spoke to new GF and we found out that SD had been telling lies about the GF to try and persuade us to let her spend more time with her. I guess she thought if she described her GF as all encompassesing we would agree to her spending all her time with her. Finding this out destroyed me. At the age of 22 she was gaslighting her mother and me. I simply couldn't trust her at all.
My wife tried to brush this under the rug and made me the enemy. It was my fault because I couldn't trust SD any more and she demanded that we just forgot about it all and moved on. I tried to do that. When SD moved I did all the heavy lifting and building of new stuff in their home. I had hoped for some space to allow some healing, but within 2 days of SD moving out she was asking me to borrow my clothes for her GF to wear on a night out. I wasnt comfortable with this and again I became the bad guy. After this SD refused to acknowledge me. She would come round to our home, say hello and goodbye to everyone by name and not me.
Shortly after that SD started an argument with me and told me that I was not welcome at her home. Again this hurt, I was the only man in her life who stuck around long enough to be called dad and because I believed her lies and eventually responded poorly I was told I wasnt welcome. To my shame I caused an argument with my wife and said some things I regret. The morning after I apologised but explained to my wife that actions had to have consequences and i was no longer willing to allow SD in my home if she was going to be disrespectful to me. My wife agreed and agreed to conduct her relationship with her daughter outside of our home. Not ideal but the best of a terrible situation. My wife and I agreed to work on ourselves and our relationship which I have committed to 100%.
The following months SD cut my wife out of her life and her brothers. In the last 10 months she has seen her youngest brother once for 3 hours and her other brother twice for 6 hours. She has barley spoken to my wife at all. She ignored my birthday and fathers day. Last week was my wife's birthday and all my wife got was a text message. This week it was SD birthday and despite agreeing that SD was not welcome at my home my wife invited her round to our home. She didnt discuss this with me at all and just expected me to accept it. I told her I wasnt comfortable with SD being in my home asked her to see her elsewhere. She refused so I told her SD couldn't come in.
My wife isnt talking to me and my family is split. I wasnt perfect but everything I did, I did as a father trying to protect his daughter. I understand my wife is in a difficult position but its always been her and SD against me. She never sees my side or tries to understand where I am coming from.
Im just lost right now and any advice will be greatly appreciated