My sons Step mum hell

[Helpandadvice1992]

I am a step mum and would never dream to be like this, however wanting advice on my child’s step mum.
She pretended to be a friend of ours and was ‘saving my marriage’ as would have loved having a family like mine, well she had an affair with him. Whether i was right or wrong at the time I carried on sleeping with him in the first few months they were together when he stayed to have our kid, she knows this.

Anyways I have been with my partner a few years now but don’t live together due to finances and both of us having kids, houses not big enough for them too all have rooms. Mine his kids wouldn’t have a room, his my kids have to share a box room when my youngest needs his own. And general
Fear after the kids dads. There was a bit of a incident due to my partners ex wife stirring the pot and I had got locked in his house as he forgot he had taken my key when he stormed out as we stayed at his and was basically wanting to end his life. So police had to get involved to help me home with the kids, I had to inform the dad of my eldest because he would have dropped it in conversation accidentally. I explained we are getting counselling and a few things.
Anyways his now wife, the affair lady, feels she can basically dictate my life. So I am now not allowed him around my child, not allowed to make a phone call in my own home to my partner incase the child hears and it supposedly triggers him, he’s not allowed to come by when kids are in bed. Nothing. But she also now gets her nails done where I go to, now has my illnesses and diagnosises, she gos against what my partner said and turned up at his house, and now they are muscling in on my thing to do with our child. For context my partner couldn’t give our child a gift because he was stepping on a ‘dad and son’ thing (even though my partner got him into it in the first place.) but they can step in and over take my club I do with our son, turn up every week and try to claim on fb and to the world that it’s all down to them his succcss wit h it etc, they don’t even pay half towards it. She’s coming to every school meet up with list of questions instead of leaving me and my ex husband to deal with it etc. I was lead to believe we were trying to get on, have a good co parenting relationship for the sake of our son, and people have all said in the past it’s nice we get on for the kid and we did birthdays for each other etc. but now she is trying to dictate what I do and don’t do, like banning my partner being around my son means that eventually I’ll end up single because he won’t want just every other weekend from me. They want me to be miserable, the crap she post on fb to look the angel step mum etc. Threatninf to take my child if I see my partner etc now is just crap, dunno if they can even do that. They apparently spoke to our son about doing one week here and one week off but he’s said to me eh doesn’t want to and told them he doesn’t know as he’s too scared to tell them. Same as he doesn’t want them to come the club I do for him but he’s too scared to tell them. He doesn’t enjoy it there much, if he makes his room a mess there he is apparently disrespecting her.

thing is they have been together for 10 years now. They have only every taken him on one holiday in this country, but have been on several
on their own abroad, told him they will inly
take him if he wins some tournament and can go to world championship to compete, they bailed taking him to things tOngo on date night, they don’t message or anything in between their every other weekend. He would be an inconvenience to their life. They keep saying now they are married they are going to have a baby, frankly I think she probably can’t. But again have already said they will do holidays with said baby on ther own without our son. She’s now trying to say he will wanna stay more as she’s getting him a Xbox for his birthday and gaming desk which cost her £200 apparently. Well, sorry love but I have already done the Xbox (he’s now changed it to PS), iPad, switch, phone, Nintendo DS. He has it all already it’s not going to make him wanna move in,

I have a funeral for a extremely close relative next week, my dad has invited my partner and said he will deal with my ex husband etc, I need my partner there as do my kids, they have been begging to see him again. They just keep saying he can’t be around him for now, no time frame, nothing. I can’t live my life in this constant limbo

I'm trying to understand the incident between you and your partner. He locked you into his house when he was suicidal and the police needed to get involved. Is your relationship always so volatile? Is that why they don't him around your child?

Having said that, she does seem toxic and has no right to tell you how to live your life.

@Gingerkittykat
So my partner ex wife found out that when me and him were on a break and not together that I had slept with someone a couple of times. I didn’t feel it was necessary to tell him because we weren’t together. She decided after sitting on this for 2.5 years she would tell him.
We were doing really well at getting through it, even thought she kept twisting the knife. Then one evening he got really upset and angry, he said we were over and we could stay that evening as my kids were asleep but had to leave the next day, so we exchanged our house keys back and he out my key on his set of keys rather than hung on the hook bu the door, he got so upset and went out for a drive as he didn’t want to get angry and things with my kids in the house and he stormed out and locked the door. Like always, his door is always locked and usually the spare key (mine) would have been around.
We have had a few arguments of late before that had happened but that was all, I called the police as I was concerned about getting out and getting the kids to school, however when the police called him they got a key from him and got me home.

When they say your partner cant be around him, what do you mean exactly - how long ago was your partners mental health issues and how is his recovery going now? Are they suggesting he is unsafe and you know that social services and the courts would agree or are you not sure and they've scared you?

@Thundertoastall they said was for now. But everytime i try to bring the subject up they comeoktly ignore it and anything i have to say. It was around 2 months ago now. He is doing good, he sees a counsellor and we see one together to overcome things from before and the reason he got so upset. They worry his words and comments and the sound of his voice will ‘trigger and traumatise’ my son, however my son only said to them he doesn’t like us arguing and the way my partner said things to em a few
times, but all couples argue and when you have kids the amount I do sometimes they may hear it especially as we though he was asleep, I doubt social services and court would agree but they have just really scared me. For the last 10 years, they’ve only ever done every other week( they don’t contribute to anything bar mibumal
CSA, they bail on him for date nights etc. he wouldn’t Suit their lifestyle

Two months is really recent, OP. Have a think about how you would feel if it was the other way round, if your exes partner was so unwell they were thinking about suicide and then your ex and kids were locked in the house due to their mental health crisis. How would you react to that, do you think?
Im so sorry your partner has been unwell, but I can see how they might be scared that two months is still a very short amount of time for someone to go from suicidal to okay, your partner needs time to recover, so there's no need to rush here - im sure your partner is mortified that they put you and your kids through that and wouldn't want to risk putting them through anything similar until they are sure its not likely to happen again? And two months is to me too early for that really, but maybe its worth you getting some advice from social services on this - if you proactively reach out and follow the advice, then you can get some support and then you wont have the threat of it hanging over your head? Plus then if they ever did follow through you can show you proactively did things to protect your children by getting professional advice.
Ultimately they cant ban you from your child seeing your partner, but there are valid concerns here - you need to try and pin down what the time frame is - do they want your partner to go 6 months with no relapse etc. And you need to decide whats best for you and the children long term, its understandable you and the children miss him but it will be worth hanging on a bit longer if it gives your partner longer to recover, longer for you to go through counselling, and doing all these things will show long term that you put your kids first - if it did end up in court, you can show you waited a good amount of time and made sure you had both made the necessary steps to ensure you were confident it wasn't going to happen again - and I just think two months would probably be too soon, sorry. Just put aside all the other stuff and how it feels spiteful to you, and think about how court/SS would see it, and i think you'll probably agree that they would want more time to have passed.
You also need to think about the things your partner has said - 'however my son only said to them he doesn’t like us arguing and the way my partner said things to me'
Its quite a big deal that your son has commented on the way your partner has spoken to you, that means he is worried about you. Is this something you are working through in counselling together specifically?

@Thundertoast thank you. I comely get what you’re saying. And I will contact them and follow advice, my partner is starting to struggle more not seeing us and not having a purpose as he puts it, without us he sits at home on his own every single evening, his kids visit weekends and he has no other family or friends, we are all he has and this reality is hitting him hard at the moment. He’s really struggling feeling so distant from us, I try to see him as much as I can when they are at school. I spoke with my son and he claims he didn’t say these things and I know she does like to twist things, just don’t get why she feels she gets such a say xxx

How has it come about that you let her dictate to you in these ways? I mean, for one thing, I would not be allowing her to attend school parents evenings. They are for the child’s parents and no teacher needs to have three adults turning up. Tell her to butt out of that one to start with.

The whole mess sounds toxic with so many different people you, your ex, your ex new wife, your partner and your partners ex plus children.

truthfully your exs partner may well have a point your priority seems to be integrating him back rather than focusing on your children and what must be traumatic for them

you are t and cannot be his purpose

The whole situation sounds like something from Jerry Springer.

I think I’ve basically understood:

• Your ex was having an affair, you knew about it and continued the relationship for a while but then it finally broke down and he married his affair partner.
• His now wife (of 10 years) is in your opinion overstepping by getting involved in raising your son, attending his events and encouraging her husband to ban your new partner from access with his son due to your partner behaviour,
• 2 months ago your partner had some kind of mental health episode that involved locking you and your son in a house, and behaving in a way that required the police to attend and get you out and home.
• Your new partner claims the reason he got so upset is he found out that during a break you had slept with someone else.
• Now a mere 2 months later he is unhappy with not being able to spend much time with you, you are unhappy as feel your ex and his wife are preventing you having a relationship and you and your new partner think 2 months is enough time to get over the mental health episode that required police presence and resulted in your child being locked in a house presumably terrified.

It sounds like it’s possible she is overstepping on the parents evening stuff, but honestly she’s absolutely right that your partner should be nowhere near your child. If you can’t see why a reasonable person would be concerned then that raises issues about your judgement.

@InfoSecInTheCitythe children were fast asleep and knew nothing of what was happening, they just thought bevwuse we were staying at his as I recovered from surgery that the police where helping to drive me home as I couldn’t drive when they woke up. They knew absolutely nothing, yes heard a few arguments however like my son said his dad and the wife argue sometimes too. He is asking to see my partner, he’s told the school sendco lady he wants him back in his life. My partner has taken both the house keys as put mine on his key set rather than the hook and he always locks the house even duen the day when we are all downstairs, safety precaution. Just the key is usually in the back of the door, I accept that they may feel it’s a little soon etc; however this isn’t my ex making the decisions but rather his wife, but then they also state that they couldn’t accommodate our child full time and he will get in the way of when eventually have a baby,

my ex had the affair yes, and he ended up moving in with her at his mothers house, he would stay at mine Tuesdays to have our son and we basically would sleep together, I know now it was wrong but I was 21, and I admitted to her we were still sleeping together and even sent her proof but she choice to stay,

it’s not just the parents evening stuff it feels like everything from the clubs, to deciding his secondary school, telling me if inam
allowd to take my own to the club I pay for rather than her take him. Everything I do I have to message in a group chat with her to get permission, as he never replies only she does.

@TheMeasurei think over the years because she has asserted more dominance over my ex husband, he has no say, he isn’t allowed to communicate directly with me, she takes control of everyrbinf and she is such a nasty piece of work if you aren’t friendly with her it was easier to become friends, or so I thought, and now she guolt
trips me that having this wonderful relationship means its better for my son etc. like me and his dad were discussing him have a phone and she was like I have already decided he won’t have it until year 7. I did say he will get it earlier, she has made him give her access to all the school stuff so I don’t get a say in what they recieve so she schedules to turn up to everything and now wants to join the PTA at his secondary school when he starts,

If my exs partner had a mental health crisis that involved police being called whilst my children were locked in his house then yes I’d also want that person to not be around my children.