Can we take the kids on holiday?

[CherryDropReader]

My partner and I have been together for 2 years. I met their children (now 11 & 8) a year ago. Introductions were gradual and child-led. I now see them just under 50% of the time my partner has them. We don’t live together yet, but we plan to in about a year, and the children and I have a fantastic relationship.

We’d like to take the children on holiday next summer. My partner checked with the children’s other parent, expecting to sort out dates. Instead, the reply was that my partner should take the children alone, as it should be one-on-one time.

My partner does have lots of one-on-one time with the children, and I’ve also chosen to step back at times to respect that. From my perspective, I wonder if this isn’t really about one-on-one time, but more about discomfort with me being involved. The children would certainly enjoy a holiday with just their parent, but we know they’d love it even more with both of us there (this is something they’ve said and the wider family have commented on too).

My partner has politely set a boundary that I will be coming, and that this trip doesn’t replace their one-on-one time. There’s been no response.

I feel sad that the kids may miss out because of this. Earlier this year, my partner and I went away for a family member’s milestone birthday (very adult-focused), and the kids really wanted to come. Between us, we decided we’d do something together with them next year. If this holiday doesn’t happen, from the children’s perspective it might feel like we’re choosing to go away without them, when in reality it’s the other parent blocking it.

How do we navigate this? If you were in my position, my partner’s, or the other parent’s, what would you do?

Have you met the DC's other parent yet?

At those ages I would have just been anxious about what kind of person was spending so much time with them and getting close to them. I wouldn't have had any issue at all with my ex having a new partner, but being with my little ones would have been a different matter.

I'd have wanted the new partner to talk to me about what's important to me as a parent, the little things they need to know about my DC that I couldn't have trusted my ex to tell her, and generally to be able to be on the same side in the children's interests.

Appreciate your DP's ex may have completely different motivations but it's something to consider.

What do you know about their situation? Sometimes children actually like their stepparents (soon to be step parents in this case). @CherryDropReader don't listen to bitter people like this. I think you are lovely for wanting to include the children on holiday rather than just go the two of you. His ex has no saying in who goes where. His time, his choice. I expect he got a court order? If not, he needs to settle that asap. Then Grey rock ex. She isn't thinking about her children, this is her being jealous.

How much time does he actually spend with the kids. I know you said you spend 50% of his contact time with him the kids, but how much time is that? If he is a every other weekend dad and you spend half of that time with them, then I can see why the ex thinks he should focus on having quality time with his kids by himself until he is in a serious long-term relationship. If he has them 50% of the time, then I can see that there would be a bit more of a relationship there between you and the kids.

Also, are you expected to pay for the holiday since he can't afford to take them himself? That seems a bit weird when you are so early into a relationship and don't share any financial responsibilities.

OPs boyfriend is the dad to the children

2 things jump out at me.
If there is a court order that allows him x time to go abroad, she has no right to have any say about whether you go or not. If there’s no court order, he will need one to get permission to take the children - because she can refuse permission for him to take the children abroad (although court would overrule). What she can’t do, court order or not, is dictate whether you can go on holiday with them anywhere that he does not require her consent (ie within the U.K.).

However, if what you say is true and his family members really are commenting that his children would have a better time with you there, that’s not actually a glowing compliment for you - it’s more that something in his ability to engage/entertain his children is noticeably lacking and you’re plugging that gap for him. That is a negative about his parenting rather than a glowing recommendation for yours. Just something for you to consider generally!

She's jealous and it's none of her business. Take them and have a great time. You sound like you are going to be a great step mum

Basically, he can take his children on holiday with whoever he likes within the UK and in the times he has his children.
Permission from the other parent only comes into it if he's intending to take them 'outside the jurisdiction' of the UK (potentially needs a letter of consent from other parent) or he wants to do the holiday during dates he doesn't have the children normally and requires his ex to swap. This would apply whoever he wished to go with.
If there's a child arrangement order in place then it tends to be a bit trickier but in either case he can apply for a specific issue order which would over ride the exes wishes unless there are recorded safeguarding issues as to why not.
I've been there, done that, worn the t shirt as the 'other' parent... My ds was 2 when ex and his new wife started this game. I just asked for address details of where he was going. Later, court ruled that he wasn't allowed to remove ds from the UK as he then had a safeguarding history of trying to kidnap ds. It's not easy being the other parent but you eventually realise theres no point in arguing

Yes, sometimes it’s better not to argue and let them get on with it for an easy life. My ex would never tell me where he was taking ds (we never had courts involved). He would send me photos of ds on a beach somewhere or up a n mountain being held by what ever woman he was seeing this month with the caption, “I bet it kills you not knowing where your son is!” I just used to text back saying, “aww, ds looks happy, I hope you are all having a lovely time.” It took a lot of courage (and vodka) to do that, but I didn’t want to give him the pleasure of upsetting me. He stopped after a couple of years when he relised he couldn’t get to me.

What jumps out to me is that he can’t actually afford to take his children away on holiday unless the OP pays up.

Often, as ohhellnoo has said, it's the other parent trying to find your Achilles heel. When you're the step parent, it's not easy and you're often damned if you do, damned if you don't. DS never actually got on with his step mum because she just decided to be completely stupid about so many things (who tells a 3 year old that they're so lucky because they have a new mummy now?) Anyway I digress! Why is it unusual that OP partner can't afford to take his children on holiday? Presumably hes paying maintenance to their mum and maybe his own housing costs are expensive? I couldn't afford holidays as a single parent and my ex definitely only afforded holidays on his wife's income (despite being a very high earner) after I'd paid all the bills (way before cost of living came into our lives) I couldn't have afforded £500+ on a week's holiday (didn't drive and not physically able to do camping etc)

perhaps the ex know’s that he can’t afford this holiday and doesn’t want the children to look forward to a holiday on the future which ends up being pulled because the financier of the holiday has been dumped or the dumper?

Tell me, and I'm honestly not trying to be an arse, how DO you have a child led introduction to daddy's new girlfriend? Does the child pick you out for a date? Do they only see you when they ask for you to come for the day? I can imagine introducing sensitively and slowly, but I honestly can't get my head round 'child led' dating.

I will help you: meeting outside and letting the children interact with you if they want to. Not pressing yourself upon them but letting them taking the first step. Be discreet and rest in the background so they don't feel you're there to "take their dad away".

See, I'm married and have no personal experience if step parents but even I could figure that one out. Admit that you just disliked OPs phrasing:)

Happy to do so if that were true, I just genuinely couldn't figure it out. I understand from your explanation. So, you just be wherever the kids are, like at a park and you sit on a bench and they come up and start chatting?

Given the holiday isn't imminent then you have time to continue discussions with the SDC mother, have you ever met? What does she know about you? Whilst she doesn't get to dictate what dad does during his contact time and that includes whether or not you go on holiday with them (assuming no safeguarding concerns of course then she absolutely does get to have an opinion and a say) it's worth it for the SDC sake to maintain good relations and good communication.

Was this a knee jerk reaction from her? What are her actual concerns? Is she aware how much/little one on one time her DC have with their dad? Does she have a partner (not really relevant but does help with her seeing the situation in reverse and is an avenue for discussions)

Keep communicating calmly and get to the root of her concerns, it might be shes jealous and feels replaced, it might be she feels you are taking her role on this holiday, it might be that the DC have talked to her about how they don't see much of Dad anymore, it might be that Dad has been happy to step back from his responsibility to his DC and you have taken over as the default 'parent' during his time, it might be.....any number of reasons hence why I repeat again keep communication open calm and respectful.

Don't assume ill intent and go in with a screw you it's my time I'll do what I want attitude, that benefits nobody especially the SDC who I would assume and hope are all of the adults involved main and only concern

Why have you obscured the sex of your partner and the other parent? You’ve purposely done it all the way through your posts.

Park, soft play, in the nature whatever. Just be part of the family outing but not push yourself upon the children. Let them come to you, be friendly but not intrusion.

That’s what we did. Until ds figured out that now dh was obsessed with super Mario as well, and then I was surplus to requirement.

Ds is 23 now, 16 years on, they are both currently sat in the sitting room, drinking wine and playing computer games together.

Op I would be very careful how involved you get here. There is a certain type of man who very quickly finds a woman to help with child rearing and yes sometimes finances too. I almost got caught up with someone like this last year and absolutely loved his little girls and they loved me. However it became very clear he saw me as free childcare and I found I didn’t have as much time for my own son and called it off. Within 3 weeks he’d found a replacement - a lady without her own kids who seems more than happy to play mum. Just something to be aware of as you sound lovely but I wouldn’t want you to be taken advantage of especially if he is going to be leaning on you financially. Personally i would dial it back a bit with the kids and see if he is just as supportive about your life - does he help support you the way you support him? Enjoy time together as a couple and really get to know each other. Don’t let him make you feel responsible for his kids and whether they get a holiday or not. What you do now will set the tone for the rest of your relationship x

The difference here is that he’s come back to the op and said no to the holiday. Albeit saying his ex has a problem with it. So maybe he’s not so keen and using the ex as an excuse. The op says that he’s basically just accepted his ex’s response with no intention to go back to her.

For clarification, my partner hasn’t said no to the holiday. They are awaiting a response from the other parent as mentioned in the original post. “My partner has politely set a boundary that I will be coming, and that this trip doesn’t replace their one-on-one time. There’s been no response.”

As I said to another comment, I understand filling the gaps as my post is very to the point and doesn’t cover everything in our lives. I was with my partner when this conversation was happening so it’s not being used as an excuse.

You haven’t mentioned this in your comment but I’m going to address it here as there’s been a few comments about it and I don’t want to constantly comment as I want responses. My partner wants to take them abroad during the summer holidays which is very costly for one person. They do not rely on my contribution for this but I openly said that I would help contribute, despite them saying no, as I’d like to think if the roles were reversed, they would do the same. It’s my kindness, not my partner expecting it. They can absolutely afford to take them away in the UK and if there is too much bother with taking them abroad this is exactly what they will do.

Just go on the holiday. She doesn’t get to dictate your life or when you get to go on holiday.

How much are you paying towards this holiday? And how much is the dad

you said he can’t afford to take them alone @CherryDropReader

so guessing you will be paying for yourself and kids

So he literally can’t afford to take his two children abroad anywhere unless his girlfriend stumps up “?

Unfortunately, the other parents response is in black and white so that rules that one out.

rules what out?

how often does he see his children?

The OP’s language is interesting / telling

”the kids” … really should read his kids