Can we take the kids on holiday?

[CherryDropReader]

My partner and I have been together for 2 years. I met their children (now 11 & 8) a year ago. Introductions were gradual and child-led. I now see them just under 50% of the time my partner has them. We don’t live together yet, but we plan to in about a year, and the children and I have a fantastic relationship.

We’d like to take the children on holiday next summer. My partner checked with the children’s other parent, expecting to sort out dates. Instead, the reply was that my partner should take the children alone, as it should be one-on-one time.

My partner does have lots of one-on-one time with the children, and I’ve also chosen to step back at times to respect that. From my perspective, I wonder if this isn’t really about one-on-one time, but more about discomfort with me being involved. The children would certainly enjoy a holiday with just their parent, but we know they’d love it even more with both of us there (this is something they’ve said and the wider family have commented on too).

My partner has politely set a boundary that I will be coming, and that this trip doesn’t replace their one-on-one time. There’s been no response.

I feel sad that the kids may miss out because of this. Earlier this year, my partner and I went away for a family member’s milestone birthday (very adult-focused), and the kids really wanted to come. Between us, we decided we’d do something together with them next year. If this holiday doesn’t happen, from the children’s perspective it might feel like we’re choosing to go away without them, when in reality it’s the other parent blocking it.

How do we navigate this? If you were in my position, my partner’s, or the other parent’s, what would you do?

Unfortunately, the other parents response is in black and white so that rules that one out.

what on earth do you mean by this?

has your boyfriend come back to you and said - you’re not coming on holiday and that’s final because ex has said it in “black and white”?

Your not a blended family you dont even live with him ffs.
Let him take his kids away, and you go away all together the following year once youve moved in together.

Or this is my first time posting and wanting some advice from other parents, co-parents and those in blended families to see things from all perspectives and thought this was the place to do it?

I didn’t see this prior to my previous response but I wish I had so I didn’t waste my time. I am here for sincere responses from people from all walks of life.

I'd encourage your partner take his DC on holiday by himself. If you're feeling generous you can help him out with paying for it. Or he can save-up. I wouldn't let the children miss out.

I'd then try again the following year when your relationship with both him and the children is better established. Perhaps the other parent will feel differently once you're living together and in a more commited relationship.

Do think about the financial implications of moving in with/becoming financially involved with someone who can't afford to take their kids away for a few days though.

You’ve been together 2 years. It’s up to your partner. The other parent doesn’t get a veto.

you should crack on

I agree with you; the way OP is going on its not normal to want to be such a huge part of their lifes. Also posting in the parenting topic… should be step parent topic. You are not their parent op.
Those poor children, i dont blame the mother I would say no in her shoes too.

The OP is the girlfriend/boyfriend. S/he has known the kids for a year and has a great relationship with them so it’s total rubbish to say s/he hardly knows them. And of course the kids might want her/him there - there are children who really like their parent’s partner you know. It’s only on Mumsnet where all kids hate their stepparents and it inevitably wrecks their lives.
OP it’s got absolutely nothing to do with the ex. Your DP should go ahead and book. The ex is clearly jealous.

There are no other posts from this OP. Could you please elaborate what you mean and provide links to these other posts. It’s very easy to accuse someone of having posted under another name.

@CherryDropReader

Youre going to get a hard time from all the step parent bashers here. You should have posted this in step parenting.

His ex doesn’t get to dictate who he spends time with when he’s with the children unless of course there were reasons to suspect abuse or neglect.

Thank you - I didn’t realise there was a step parenting area. Appreciate your advice.

Give it a rest ffs and stop being so damn nasty.
OP its down to you DP he can take his children on holiday if he chooses as long as it's in his agreed time, his ex doesn't get to dictate who goes etc, I would however encourge your DP to speak to his children and have a non pushy converstaion about what they would like.
We did this in the early days before I was given legal custody of my wonderful SS ( his DF works out the country 50%, social serices and DSS's school approached me before anyone questions).

I agree with the above poster and have this moved to step parenting board, you will get attacked from people who really have nothing better to do and will not give a construtive view.

Right well I’m not sure how you can glean all that from a few posts. No indication at all of wanting to be central to the kids’ lives from this post - wanting to go on holiday with your partner and their kids whom you have known for over a year (will be longer when they go) is not weird at all. In fact it sounds like a very measured child-focused approach to wait for a year before introducing and only spending 50% of the time there when they are with the partner. I think unless you are absolutely sure that OP is a different poster you should avoid making accusations.

Well both of them are going on holiday with them. I’m taking my nephew on holiday next year - hope nobody thinks I’m pretending he’s actually my kid.

She can't dictate what he does just like he can't the kids are as much his as they are hers. Go on holiday the kids will love it.

The amount of women my ds went on Holiday with. The new girlfriend was always “the one”. He always broke up with them after a couple of years, after sometimes living with them and their children too. Thank god it was only EOW and for one night (or less depending on the girlfriend and how many children she had), so ds wasn’t too bothered.

I see the ex’s point.

Maybe next year, when you are living together.

And stop the blended family talk. I know it’s my experience making me snippy, but ds was in many “blended familes” with his dad and various women over the years, so my eyes roll when I hear it.

She doesn’t have to agree to adjust the schedule. The parent just needs to plan the holiday during regular custody time.

she also doesn’t necessarily have to consent to trips abroad. That doesn’t prevent a lovely holiday either.

she can’t stop the parent from using normal parenting time outside of school days to travel with or without a companion.

this leads me to believe that the plans do require permission in some way. Either extra days or border crossing consent. Does the parenting schedule not have enough continuous days to take a holiday by default?

You will be paying for the holiday or paying for the children to help him out

Sorry, I actually realise my post was harsh. I’ve just been there with my child. Your partners ex doesn’t know if you will stick around.

And I’m not a step parent basher. I remarried but it was years before my ds even knew of my now dh existence, let alone met him or he came on holiday with us. I learned from my ex husbands mistakes.

You’ll get much better support over there.

You’ll unfortunately find on Mumsnet that when you’re a step parent and posting about step parenting issues you’ll get a lot of people who aren’t a step parent commenting and calling you the biggest monster in the world for absolutely no reason.