I will warn you, this isn't short as I need to give some background.
I have no idea what to do about my whole situation at this current time.
I've been with my husband 8 years, married for 4. He has a daughter who is 14. I have 3 children who are 12, 14 and 17. My husband has PR for my younger two as their bio dad is absent.
When I first met my husband, we dated for a year before we met each others children. In this time, I got to see the arrangements between him, his daughter and ex. His ex only has the 1 child.
He explained to me early on that his daughter has always lived with him full time since he separated from his ex, as she had mental health issues and BPD, but his daughter is starting to see her mum a bit more as she's getting older and thinks it's important for her mum to start playing more of a present role in her life.
He separated from his ex when his daughter was 1.
When i came along, the daughter was 6 and his ex wasn't very much on the scene, she would see the daughter every other weekend and some of these weekends she'd ask my husband to have her as she had plans. He would always say yes. I quickly realised this woman wasn't very interested in her daughter and prioritised her nights out and whoever was her boyfriend at the time.
This really grated on me as I was a full time single mum who had stepped up to my responsibilities.
All the children ended up meeting, my stepdaughter loved me and the kids being around and wanted to be in my presence all the time, always wondering when we were next coming around. We had days out all the time and really enjoyed blending our family.
His daughter randomly started to call me 'mum', this was never forced onto her, i just thought it was because she would always hear the other kids calling me mum, but she clearly felt comfortable so we just let it be. The daughter would confide in me about her mum and some of the things she told me would sadden me (and secretly annoy me), but I would just offer her support and comforting advice.
Imagine telling your 7 year old daughter you're on pills because you're so unhappy! That's the type of stories that I would get from the child. It would break my heart to hear her say, 'my mummy just cries on the couch all day and asks for hugs'.
I am not heartless, obviously a part of me wondered if the mum was okay, but she was known for this... going out drinking then becoming depressed the next day when she was due to have her daughter. My husband would often go round to the exes house when his daughter was in her care as he was clearly worried, his ex was more than happy with this of course. This also didn't bother me as I could really see he was a great, caring and loving dad.
This man went from working full time to part time to focus on his daughters needs, arranged nursery's, schools, uniforms, went to parents evening, sports day, extra curricular activities and he did it all alone because the ex was never interested. His exes dad remained close with my husband and still remains to be.
Eventually, his ex wanted 50/50 shared care as she wanted to see more of her daughter, my husband agreed to it and she also wanted the child benefit too as she was 'skint' and he agreed to that too. One day, to my surprise she turned up at sports day, I'd always run the mums race as her mum never turned up, but this time when the time came I kindly signalled to his ex to have this one. She shook her head and avoided looking at her daughter who was calling out to her, and then the daughters eyes shifted to me and she called for me to get up. So I did. I couldn't help feel a little disappointed, annoyed and confused, like this was all so wrong, like i was stepping on the mothers toes and I questioned my role in this young girls life.
Unfortunately, the ex would still regularly let her daughter down on her days, which my husband said he knew would happen anyway. After a while, he started saying no to his ex when she would try to let her daughter down last minute. He did this because she was asking us to tell the daughter that she was working, when in fact, she had a night out planned. He also wanted her to realise she has responsibilities. He did have this conversation with her and he was nice about it, but she didn't like it. Long story short... it has backfired on us over the years.
I feel her mum went into full alienation mode.
The daughter stopped calling me mum and I heard her tell my children she wasn't allowed to because it upsets her mum. Then, any family events that were my own family (not her dads family) and that fell on her mums days, the daughter wasn't allowed to attend, even though we would ask well in advance and the daughter wanted to come. The ex would always make out she had plans with her that day, but it would be months in advance, and then later we would learn the daughter was sat at home with her mums boyfriend all day whilst her mum was at work.
The daughter started making really hurtful comments to my youngest daughter who is really sensitive. Then became mean to the others.
His daughter became distant from me, she stopped confiding in me, I'd often catch her staring at me from across the room like she was trying to figure me out. Then between the ages of 12 and 14 the daughter would follow me round the house and goad me, starting arguments if I'd ask her things like can you take your washing downstairs or take your plate into the kitchen... she would turn it into an argument shouting at me, then saying things like, "what's your problem with my mum, you hate my mum, I know you do!" This was all left field. This was a different child who I'd shown nothing but love to.
The ex... she became mean and argumentative with my husband, making everything she possibly could difficult and tried to control everything. The messages she would send would try and make out he was a terrible dad and that his daughter is scared of him (she actually phoned the school to report the daughter had said that). My husband would never rise to it.
The ex gave her social media at 8 years old, which we objected to... this has always played into her mums hands as the daughter has constantly fought us on it.
If his daughter ever said she wanted something (like her ears pierced), my husband would ask his ex, his ex would say no, and then his ex would take her to get them done. These things happen frequently and one day, after his daughter asked for her second piercing, my husband asked his daughter if he could take her. She instantly turned nasty and said, 'no, I want my mum to take me'.
It became very clear by the way his daughter was speaking to us that she was repeating the words her mum has spoken to her, as the things the daughter was saying had already been sent to my husband via text by her mum.
On swap over days his ex always wanted my husband to do the drop offs and picks ups, which he would. Then my husband eventually put a stop to this and told her she needs to be picking up on her days. She wasn't happy and caused so much trouble for a long time telling the daughter he is awkward and being difficult.
What actually made my husband snap one day was when his daughter had left some things at ours that she needed for school the next day, her mum wouldn't bring her because she was hungover. My husband said to his daughter that it is unacceptable for her mum to be doing this, he will collect her, bring her to ours so she can gather what she needs, then drive her back to her mums. So as usual (because this would happen a lot) my husband went over and his daughter came out with her mum following behind her, his daughter jumped in the car. His ex said to him in an innocent voice, 'I don't see what the issue is'. He replied, 'the issue is you constantly do this, you refuse to collect the things she needs because you expect me to do all the running about because you can't be bothered. I've had enough.'
She then put this frightened look on her face as if she was scared of my husband whilst she was looking over his shoulder at the daughter. It was the strangest interaction but one I could read quickly. She was making out to the daughter that she was scared, that he was scary and not very nice and she was the victim. He quickly ended it with, 'just leave me alone'. Then drove off.
Eventually her dad lost any say in anything and today the bond with his daughter is barely hanging on by a thread and my heart aches for them both.
He's actually said to me, "I never thought I'd give up on my daughter but i feel she's gone. She's the exact clone of her mum. Her behaviour, her words, her attitude, it's all her mum. Anything I say, she fights me on it and jumps to what will make her mum happy"
The daughter even said, 'Happy Fathers Day' to her mums boyfriend rather than her dad this year.
I feel I've mourned the loss of this girl so God knows how my husband feels!
There's tonnes more things that have happened but I'd be writing for months.
I've actually had to switch off from a lot of the stuff that happens now because I make myself ill from the stress, but it's happening under my roof so a lot of it I can't ignore. It's become a very strange atmosphere when the daughter is around and I'm definitely treading carefully when she's around.
The actual point of this post is to ask people, what would you do? I've implemented the NACHO parenting for a while now but lately I've been feeling like I should approach the mum and ask her why all the behaviour and control. It's created chaos and broken relationships
I just need it all to stop and bring it back to peace because his daughter can't be happy. In the early days, I have had conversations with the ex and she comes across very innocent, but from what I've experienced she has a very different side to what she portrays and she's absolutely brilliant at playing the victim and getting her daughter on side.
I just want everyone to be happy, is this possible?