Advice needed

[bluehen73]

I've been a stepmom for the past 8 years to my husbands son. Total, my husband and I have been together for 20 years so my stepson is adjusted to us together. We had an incident a few weeks ago that has left me horrified and upset. He recently got married and his now wife gave birth about 4 months ago. The first time we met our new granddaughter was at a park, a few feet away from porta pottys and a loud parking lot. She wouldn't let us hold her. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and his daughter from a previous relationship had her 2nd birthday. They wouldn't let us hold her. Us meaning, myself, my husband and his own mother. When my husband went over to ask questions about the baby, get to know her, her mother would take her and walk away. The baby's mother went to my stepson and accused my husband of following her around; which he wasn't. The rest of her family there was holding her and taking pictures. At one point, the baby's grandfather looked at us and said, have you held her yet? We said no, and he graciously handed her over so that we could finally hold her. My stepson walked over and took her from my husband and walked away.

We decided to leave at that point. Later on, we received a text saying that we both should have asked them first if we could hold her as they are trying to prevent her from getting RSV. In addition, they said that we made others at the party uncomfortable asking if we could hold her. They blamed us for the entire thing. We have tried to meet them for dinner or lunch, but they never answer us. Now I know why. They never told us any of this and with her family holding her and passing her around, they did not give the impression they were limiting interactions. We were frozen out and essentially on the outside. it was a terrible feeling.

We are both stunned and hurt. I know the drill as a step parent and I have to stay out of things. However, they have hurt my husband something awful and I'm embarrassed as well. I honestly don't think our interactions with them will ever be the same.

Thoughts on this? What should we do?

Your husband needs to talk to his son and find out why he and his wife dont trust him with the baby

Stop making someone else’s baby about you. You don’t have to hold her.

They obviously don’t want you holding their newborn. The baby’s mum’s either suffering from post-partum anxiety or has observed you and/or your husband doing something gross like wiping your nose on your hands or not washing after the loo.

If your husband is bothered, he needs to have a private word with his son.

She is a new first time mum. They can sometimes be unreasonable and irrational in their thinking and behaviour.

This is not about you so stop making it about you.

You need to be respectful and give them time and space and stop trying to smother them. Send messages and keep in touch asking how they all are and give it time.

Honestly, it sounds like one or both of you are the problem here — and I think deep down, you already know that. There are valid reasons your stepson and his wife are keeping their distance, and those reasons didn’t just appear out of nowhere.

If everyone else at the party was holding the baby except for you two, that’s not about RSV — that’s about trust. .and boundaries. Parents don’t suddenly cut off access for no reason. There’s probably a lot of history you don’t fully know or won’t acknowledge. Maybe your husband wasn’t a stable or present father, maybe he treated his kids or their mothers poorly, or maybe his past behavior caused lasting pain and resentment. Those things don’t just vanish when people grow up and have families of their own.

The fact that your husband has a 2-year-old of his own also speaks volumes — it shows he hasn’t exactly been a reliable partner or parent in recent years either. That might also affect how others perceive him.

From the outside, it looks like you came online to play the victim instead of considering that you and your husband might actually be the problem. Their behavior toward you is personal — not random, not unfair, and not about germs.

You should step back. This isn’t your battle to fight. It’s your husband’s relationship with his son, family and if he’s done damage in the past, that’s on him to fix — if it can be fixed at all. The more you push, the more you’ll prove them right for keeping distance.

Your stepson has a 2 year old and a 4 month old from 2 different relationships?

How well did you know either mother? Harley I imagine with that time frame.

what’s the relationship like between your DH and DS?

in all honesty I’d leave them to it. presumably you u know YOU haven’t done anything wrong, but something odd here and all you can do is support your DH.

Sorry
Can you please clarify. You've been a stepmom for 8 years and have been with you partner for 20 years. So did he have his son with someone else whilst he was with you?
Also is the 2 year old your husband daughter or granddaughter from son?
They didn't let you, your husband and the babies biological grandmother hold the baby on both occasions?
Maybe there are underlying issues which aren't being openly discussed by all parties.

Hope you resolve the matter and get to hold the baby