Is it too soon to talk about marriage?

[Tarantella43]

So, DP and I have been together for 4 years. We’ve been blended for one year. My bio kids lost their Dad (from whom I was divorced) to cancer nearly 3 years ago. Obviously they are grieving their Dad. SS is with us 3 days per week, he gets on well with the other two kids, and has a good relationship with me, but is anxious about being “replaced” by my bio kids, and missing out, as they are with us all the time. For eg. on holiday he had a huge meltdown that my DP held my DC’s hand at one point on the Eiffel Tower (she’s 7). So some understandable strong feeling there. Kids are ages 11, 10 and 7. DP and I have talked about civil partnership. Do you think it’s too soon to talk to the kids about this?

Why Op? What’s the rush?

i can’t believe you’ve even blended in this situation tbh but each to their own

and just let the dust settle, they’ve only lived with the chap for a year

And what does the SS’s anxiety have to do with getting married?

And I can fully comprehend why a young child might be a little upset to see HIS dad holding hands with a child that his dad has only known 3 years, right in front of him!

Would you go ahead and get married knowing DSS is unhappy?

Work on the relationships first before you think about taking this step. Any father worth his salt would be working on making his own child feel secure first.

I wouldn't rush into it. I wouldn't see any need to.

I hope you don't mind me asking but i've got a feeling that you are in the stronger financial position here. Are you?

Yes I wholeheartedly agree with this.

DP said it’s not marriage, and that he’d have to be careful with his (8 year old) son as he promised him he’d never re-marry, but that hopefully a civil partnership would be easier for his son (!).

Op… this is not in his son’s best interests and you must see that? Just give it TIME

Where did this extra info come from - have I missed something? But if that is the case then surely you can’t even be thinking about it at this stage - he made a promise (whether it was wise or unwise is another issue) and to go back on it would be so unfair on his son. Of course as his son grows up it will become less of an issue, but if he’s having a meltdown over handholding then it is clearly not the time to even remotely consider it. Poor little chap.

Just wait. And I say that from the perspective of someone who waited ten years to blend etc because if it's forever, what's the rush? Surely all the children come first.

The op has started many threads

one just yesterday about his she’s on her knees with no support and two children, one of whom is autistic

zero mention of partner

Oh goodness just thinking about this from the pov of my own dds. One of them would be utterly distraught if she saw her dad holding the hand of his girlfriends dc over hers. I don’t really have an answer for you, but I will say that blending families would very very rarely be in the interest of the children. If I was him, I wouldn’t have even lived with you as I would have put my son first.

I’m 45 and i wouldn’t like to see my dad hold a step child’s hand!

Do you want to get married to someone who is selfish op?
i know no one is perfect, but selfishness is one of the worst flaws for me.
he knew his young son had some anxiety around him moving in with you, and he did so anyway. It actually blows my mind that people can put their own new relationships before their kids.

Indeed

He KNOWS his young son is very sensitive and anxious

and yet he holds hands with the OP’s similar aged child.

just… well 😞

Would your partner be willing to get married knowing his 10/11 year old son isn’t feeling secure? If he would be, that’s a huge red flag. Surely you wouldn’t really get married before all the kids are feeling ok about things? Just wait, there’s no reason to rush but there are valid reasons to wait.

Ah I see - the old unreliable narrator issue. Thanks for clarifying, I appreciate it.

I'm a tad confused by the specifics of your 'blended' family, as your SS was purportedly only 8 back in March.

What

I’ve held my nieces hand when walking along a busy road. Totally reasonable to hold a 7 year old’s hand when lots of steps. He has two hands so it’s not as if holding her hand meant he couldn’t hold his also. So I’m in the minority but I don’t think SS has the monopoly on hand holding. In someway I think marriage is good as will adjust expectations for SS that you and the children are a permanent feature.