Advice needed

[Mumma223]

I was with my partner 5 years before falling pregnant with our daughter. My partner and my two children from a previous relationship all lived together and his daughter from a previous relationship stayed weekends. Fast forward to when I was 15 weeks pregnant and his daughter came to live with us fall time due to her mother over dosing and then we went to court etc. My partner was granted full custody. At first things were ok but things started to take a turn for the worst and it was me and my two and him and daughter (long story) and we split up. Fast forward to now,we dont live together and haven't done for a good few years but decided to give things another go. All was going fine but his daughter and our daughter literally do not get along. They can be with each other an hour and his daughter will be telling our daughter she hates her/cant stand her and doesn't want to be her sister which then makes our daughter say things back and its honestly just such hard work. His daughter won't share anything and it's like a constant game of being a referee. Both girls have completely different personalities too. Ones into gaming and YouTube and ones into drawing and board games. I've tried so hard,get the girls both doing cooking or helping make dinner when I've been looking after them both but it just turns into a competition and one goes off in a strop and the spiteful comments start. Neither seem to be like this with any other children. Will it get better? My 3 have always got along,they have their moments but never say spiteful comments

She’s just very very jealous, they clearly hate each other. Are the same ages?

You don’t live together, keep it that way. They aren’t sisters and you can’t make them be friends, they just aren’t compatible.

How old are they? I wouldn’t enforce time together. Or if it’s the only way your dp can see his dc then meet in parks or similar so kids don’t have to be together.

This is the partners daughter from a previous relationship and the child that OP and her partner have since had together, so they are sisters.

OP says “his daughter and our daughter”.

Have I misunderstood?

Your partners continues to live separately. It’s a shame for your shared baby but don’t destroy everyone else’s life , his older daughter is clearly not ok with it, why force the drama. I’d continue to live a nice life apart tbh and keep out of her behaviour issues.

What's the age gap? I ask because I couldn't stand my younger sister growing up, there was 10 years between us yet my parents thought matching outfits was a good idea as well as expecting a 12 year old to enjoy playing with a 2 year old and "looking after her/entertain her so the adults could speak". Anyhow, we get on so much better as adults!

There is a 4 year age gap. So our daughter is 4 his daughter is 8. We never dress them alike as our daughter is very girly and his daughter is more into tracksuits etc also never leave them alone together as thats when the comments were being made

There is a HUGE difference between 4 and 8 but an 8 year old shouldn’t be so naughty and dictate everyone’s life so she probably needs to be read the riot act!!

I honestly thought you were going to say they were both 12/13/14. This sort of shit from an 8 year old?!? Jesus.

The timeline is a bit weird.

The 8 year old has been through massive trauma. Parents divorce, mum overdose, separation from mum, coming to live with you OP and her dad full time, then the two of you split. She needs help and support not the riot act. You can't make them get on or be friends. I would keep living arrangements separate for now. Will her dad get her some therapy or do some family therapy together? Does she have any contact with her mum?

I too am surprised about the ages - of course they’re different personalities, they’re totally different ages. And of course the four year old is into drawing and board games - she’s 4, it’s not a lifelong passion

It sounds like they both just need parenting - it’s unacceptable to behave like that, and wouldn’t be unusual to behave like that if they were full siblings.

The 8 year old is probably jealous of your daughter because her Mum isn’t a drug addict and puts her first. She’s has a lot of trauma.

Given they now have a blood sibling in common, I’d be inclined to persist with their relationship. Have them in the same place but doing their own thing in different rooms, go on days out that are equally entertaining or unentertaining to both of them, you work on building a relationship alone with the 8 year old so she can see you as a mother figure too to try and ease the jealousy, and get the 8 year old into some sort of play therapy so she can healthily deal with her trauma and feelings about her new family.