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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step Parent Guilt

11 replies

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 11:37

Ok so trying to keep a long story short here but me and DP have a very complicated situation. He has DD13 and DD12 and I have DS7. We also have an “ours” DS who is 6 months old. His DD’s raised a malicious allegation about my DS7 which BM raised to SS and so we cannot risk the kids being around each other for safeguarding reasons. I need to protect my DS from further allegations and BM has made many false allegations about DP to police, SS etc and so this is a pattern and so we both want to protect the kids as much as possible. All of them. So DP stays at his parents house when he has his DD EOW and then takes them out one night each week. That was the best compromise we could do to ensure all have a relationship with DP but the kids do not mix. We were advised to do this by SS but also agree this is wisest. So many more complications but trying to keep a long story short.

However, my issue that I am struggling with coming to terms with this situation and my feelings about my SD’s.

Part of me wants a way we can go back to the mostly happy and very normal blended family situation that we used to have and were trying to build on. Part of me just wants to keep my kids safe. Part of me is very hurt by the nastiness from my SDs towards my DS as I heard them being very nasty and name calling when they were on the phone to my DP just after they made the allegations. Largely putting on a show for BM and their older siblings at her house I know, but still very hurtful to listen to.

I do try and support my DP as they are his DDs I know and so I send small gifts for them etc from time to time, suggest nice places for him to take them etc. But then sometimes I feel guilty and disloyal to my own son for doing so. And then I remind myself they are just kids too and massively influenced by a very toxic and bitter BM who also has MH struggles so it must be a very difficult situation for them too in many ways.

I don’t know what I want for this post except maybe thoughts on best ways to handle this situation and any suggestions to maybe come to terms with the mess that it is. It is not what I wanted at all but neither me nor DP would feel safe with all the kids being together even our baby as we both fully believe that due to BMs history it would only be a matter of time before he was dragged in to her circus too.

Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Zempy · 14/09/2025 11:40

I would continue the way you are.

lunar1 · 14/09/2025 11:41

Reframe it in your mind, you know you can’t risk this happening again to your DS, so unless you want to leave the relationship the rest is all non negotiable sadly. It might not help, but all you can do is make the best of the situation.

Original poster
MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 11:41

Zempy · 14/09/2025 11:40

I would continue the way you are.

See my head knows this is sensible but my heart is struggling to accept it

OP posts:
Original poster
MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 11:43

lunar1 · 14/09/2025 11:41

Reframe it in your mind, you know you can’t risk this happening again to your DS, so unless you want to leave the relationship the rest is all non negotiable sadly. It might not help, but all you can do is make the best of the situation.

Thank you. That is actually a very good way to look at it. Accept what you cannot change I guess. And I absolutely do not want to leave my DP. We have a fantastic relationship between us and he is great with my kids and I also would not want to have another child without his dad around which is the situation our baby would then be in.

OP posts:
thestepmumspacepodcast · 14/09/2025 13:23

I really feel for you OP, what a horrible and hard situation for you. It must be so hard for you and awful for your DP. I think given the circumstances you are doing the right thing. A reframe would help: "We've chosen to protect our kids by continuing in this way - for now". "I'm able to prioritise my son and keep him safe from false allegations". I'm not minimising but if you are able to shift your mindset it will help.💐

Original poster
MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 17:10

thestepmumspacepodcast · 14/09/2025 13:23

I really feel for you OP, what a horrible and hard situation for you. It must be so hard for you and awful for your DP. I think given the circumstances you are doing the right thing. A reframe would help: "We've chosen to protect our kids by continuing in this way - for now". "I'm able to prioritise my son and keep him safe from false allegations". I'm not minimising but if you are able to shift your mindset it will help.💐

Thank you. That does help.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 14/09/2025 17:11

Continue the way you are.

i assume the allegations are false so why would you put your child and your family unit at risk by letting them come back.

Protect your two DC and let your DH get on with seeing his two daughters himself.

hungrypanda4 · 14/09/2025 17:32

Very disturbing behaviour from a 13 year old, they are more than old enough to know right from wrong. I’m really sorry for the situation that you’re in. My advice would be to carry on as usual and not let the two SK destroy your life and marriage.

Original poster
MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 17:35

hungrypanda4 · 14/09/2025 17:32

Very disturbing behaviour from a 13 year old, they are more than old enough to know right from wrong. I’m really sorry for the situation that you’re in. My advice would be to carry on as usual and not let the two SK destroy your life and marriage.

Thank you. I agree really. It’s just head va heart sometimes and the heart wants everything to be just right. However my head knows it has to be what it has to be.

OP posts:
Thisisforty · 03/10/2025 18:42

Obviously we don’t know the full story but is it possible that DSDs are resentful of your DS because he’s within the family unit, with the new baby, etc?
I think at their ages they are old enough to know better but teenage hormones, and possibly struggling with their BM having MH issues, could be playing a part, especially if BM is suggesting negative things and they believe her.

That said, I think you’re doing the right thing. You need to protect your children, it’s not just your older DS, the baby is also at risk if the above is playing a part in their behaviour.

In terms of the guilt due to doing nice things for your DSDs, stop doing them. Their dad can decide where to take them, if anywhere, and if it’s boring then that’s between them. You don’t need to send them things either. I understand that they are children but equally they have made false allegations against your son and that must be hard for him. They have their own parents who can do/buy things for them if they choose to.
As hard as it is, the family unit is separate.
I do get it, I’ve experienced the similar (though not due to the children having issues together), and yes it was hard and I felt sad. But I reframed it that actually my child is my priority, I can’t control how other people parent and I’m not going to do anything that makes me feel guilty as a mum. So I stopped the special efforts, and focused on my own child. That’s not to say I don’t love my SC, they know how much I love and care for them

Original poster
MangaMoo · 03/10/2025 21:50

Thisisforty · 03/10/2025 18:42

Obviously we don’t know the full story but is it possible that DSDs are resentful of your DS because he’s within the family unit, with the new baby, etc?
I think at their ages they are old enough to know better but teenage hormones, and possibly struggling with their BM having MH issues, could be playing a part, especially if BM is suggesting negative things and they believe her.

That said, I think you’re doing the right thing. You need to protect your children, it’s not just your older DS, the baby is also at risk if the above is playing a part in their behaviour.

In terms of the guilt due to doing nice things for your DSDs, stop doing them. Their dad can decide where to take them, if anywhere, and if it’s boring then that’s between them. You don’t need to send them things either. I understand that they are children but equally they have made false allegations against your son and that must be hard for him. They have their own parents who can do/buy things for them if they choose to.
As hard as it is, the family unit is separate.
I do get it, I’ve experienced the similar (though not due to the children having issues together), and yes it was hard and I felt sad. But I reframed it that actually my child is my priority, I can’t control how other people parent and I’m not going to do anything that makes me feel guilty as a mum. So I stopped the special efforts, and focused on my own child. That’s not to say I don’t love my SC, they know how much I love and care for them

I do think DSDs were resentful and that was definitely a part of it. And you are right that my child is my priority and my SDs have their own two parents - that is a good way of looking at it. Thank you.

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