New baby coming... how to support DH?

[bananatree999]

Hi everyone:

I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant with my first child. I'm trying not to jinx things but all looking well so far.

My fiancé has a son from a previous relationship. He will be 6 when baby arrives. We've been together for almost 3 years. I have a great relationship with his son.

The problem is that the situation custody-wise is less than ideal. My step-son (SS) lives about 2.5 hours away with his mother, and goes to school there during the week. We have him 3 weekends a month and half of all school holidays, which averages out over the year to 2-3 days a week.

(For those asking why we don't move, my partner has a very niche research job that is based here, and my whole family is here within walking distance. I wouldn't be willing to move away from my entire village during my pregnancy/when my children are young. He would be jobless as the sector is slowly dying as it is, and jobs are so hard to come by). His job is well paid and it allows for a good child maintenance payment every month. It's not ideal, but it's how things are at the moment.

This custody arrangement is court-ordered after we went to court seeking full custody. His mother has previously been in trouble with the law for child neglect of her two kids (my SS and her other, older child with a different dad). Problems day to day include hoarding, lack of supervision, just a general lack of parenting (kids are just sat on their devices and are ignored), very little attachment. There were previously huge problems with the children not getting enough food and wandering out of the house (my SS was found by the police at age 2 next to a lake at 2 am - great). My partner is excellent and keeps social services informed of any new developments (they are honestly useless but that's another thread), and we've just jointly spent 20k+ last year on a huge custody battle, which unfortunately resulted in the above custody schedule (which is what it was before but now is on paper at least). All that to say, it's a difficult situation and we're at a dead-end with trying to change it. When SS isn't with us, we have no idea what he's up to - his mother no longer sends any photographs or updates since the court case (many were used as evidence with things that could be seen in the background etc.)

On the more "positive" side, his mother now has a new partner, and things seem more stable for SS. However, the problem comes when they inevitably break up with her (she has a cheating tendency which is why she has split from both of her children's fathers), and then everything becomes a million times worse for the children (see the lake incident). SS has met an ungodly number of new "dads" in his short life.

So, now I'm pregnant. SS will be over the moon to have a new sibling. He is amazing with younger children and has spoken about wanting a sibling, so I'm not at all worried on that front. He's still quite young, and I don't think he'll full grasp the nuance of baby staying with us full time, while he has to go back to his mother's - I think that's a conversation for the future, though. At the moment, he seems happy enough to go back to his mother's because he likes his toys there and gets unlimited screen time.

My partner is starting to feel guilty. It's back to school week and he doesn't get to be there, and he has said that he feels like a grandparent in his own son's life. He wants more than anything to have SS full time, which I would have no problem with, but it's just not possible given the current circumstances. They split before SS was born, so custody has always been this way.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I don't know how to support DH. I get it, but I can't completely understand because I don't yet have children (if that makes sense) and I've never experienced anything like his situation. We make the best of it when SS is here, we're fortunate money-wise so he gets the best of everything (which again contrasts his other home sharply, another thing I'm worried about with baby as SS grows and understands more).

Sorry, this is all very messy and I hope I'm not coming across badly. I just see my partner is really sad and worried, and I'm not sure what can really be done.

Thank you!

Carry on as you are, you sound very caring

You sound lovely.

Would SS be able to come and live with you?
mother sounds unfit.

We really tried and spent so much time and money on the court case 😣 His mother receives almost £800 a month in various benefits and child maintenance for him so has made it clear she won’t give him up without a fight (I know that’s completely horrible!) The judge decided the risk just wasn’t enough to remove him from her as social services were satisfied that the house condition and her parenting were “good enough” 😟

So re custody there’s literally nothing you can do. You’ve spent £20k and this is the deal you’ve got. Unless something massive changes, it’s case closed. Social services won’t care about screen time. They’ll look for food in the fridge and the bare minimum home items like a bed, clothes. And then clear neglect/ abuse.

The only thing you can do is give your SS the best experiences when he is with you guys. The more you can support the better- I’m talking homework, life skills like cooking gardening, socialising and outdoor activities.

Remember as he gets older you will be able to talk about how things are different at mums and at dads, and see how he feels about it. these conversations should develop as he gets to be a teen. Don’t pretend everything is ok and really listen to how he feels.

Re your partner I think the best thing you can do is free him up for running around driving to and from your SS mothers home. Maybe when he needs to go someone from your family can come and spend some time with you and your baby so that he won’t feel bad you’re by yourself?

It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to support him and his son.

The guilt thing is something you need to be cautious of. You read on here all the time about dads not putting in good boundaries and spoiling kids out of guilt which isn’t good for them.

Also, don’t let your partner fall into the trap of only doing stuff when his son is there so he doesn’t miss out and denying your child opportunities to do stuff when their brother is with his mum.
Life will have to continue and you can’t all be waiting for the next visit for the home to feel happy again, painful as that might be at times.

I know this is really shit for all three of you but perhaps consider it from the angle that if SS was with you full time, how he would be affected by the loss of contact with his mother. Her parenting is obviously poor but his relationship with her is extremely important. And in probably 5-6 short years he’ll make up his own mind. Just keep doing what you’re doing and congratulations on the pregnancy.

Well honestly he feels guilty because he knows he had choices that would probably have allowed him to have a different custody schedule. He hasn't taken them and is now having another child which will further limit those choices because they are with you.

But he's made them so he may as well move to the acceptance stage. He will have two children living two very different life experiences and he will unless something significant changes.

If he didnt feel guilty I would think he was a pretty emotionally disconnected parent.

What can he do, not much to be honest. Try to create as many of the same opportunities for them both in the future and make peace with the decisions he has made.

Your partner should feel guilty. He could have retrained and moved to his son. His son could have had a stable home at least 50% of the time. He prioritized himself, his job, and you instead of his sons safety.
He doesn't actually feel guilty. He just wants to be told he's so great and it's not his fault. He had choices. He chose himself and not his son.

With all due respect @AllosaurusMum you don't know any of this & you & @whatado are (massively) over reaching here imho.

You don't know whether he could have retrained. It's so easy to just write this in some forum like it's easy peasy, but you have no idea of his job. The OP says he has a very good job, which allows him afford a good lifestyle, with which he supports his son, so there's no guarantee another retrained into role would provide anything like this.

And then you say he could have moved to his son, but you don't know this either, do you!? Perhaps he's in negative equity, or can't afford a house there, or whatever. Again just too easy to pen this in some forum like there's nothing to it. There's alot to asking the dad to up sticks just to be closer to his son, cos his son's mother is a self centred, car crash.

Then you say that "He prioritized himself, his job, and you instead of his sons safety."

Did you miss the parts about the £20k they've just spent on an expensive custody battle, with all the hassle & angst that goes with that effort? or were you just conveniently ignoring that part to suit your narrow minded, negative narrative!?

And then true to form, you finish off with this
"He doesn't actually feel guilty. He just wants to be told he's so great and it's not his fault. He had choices. He chose himself and not his son."

Well aren't you the wise one hey!? You don't know that he doesn't feel guilty at all, in fact in all likelihood he feels exactly that. Secondly, you're then just completely fabricating that 'he just wants to be told he's so great and that it's not his fault'. This is just fiction from inside your own meagre mind!!

You're obviously very prejudiced, or whatever, from your own experiences & bitterness (!?), but when giving advice to other posters who are in a bit of a bind, perhaps try not to project your bitterness onto that advice with full on fabrications quite so obviously next time!! Gawd damn!!

Sorry but I agree with the PP, it’s the uncomfortable truth. In these situations I ask myself, what would the average mother do? Because I’m certain that the majority of mothers would have done anything to be close to their child and give them a stable home, even if it meant changing career and moving away, I know I would, wouldn’t you?

Why is the bar for men so very low?

I dunno, perhaps it's because family law courts are infamously misandrist, and will favour the mother in 99% of cases regardless of what the man does!?

I mean look at this case, as a for instance, the mother is a self absorbed , car crash, serial cheater & home breaker, who has clearly threatened her son's safety by leaving him out by a lake until 2am until found previously. Yet when the boy's dad sought increased access through the courts, the court 'awarded ' just 3 weekends per month & half holidays, and instead left the poor child with his wilfully(?) neglectful mother.

Ah yes, maybe that's why!?

Wrong thread?

He should have moved closer to his child. Now he had you, he won't. But he should have done it years ago. Other jobs exist. He's made his choice, so he must accept the consequences of it, and hope his DS accepts it too.

Thanks for this! There’s so many moving parts and it’s easy to come in with a sweeping solution.

I suppose the key piece of information I also missed was after initial mediation several years ago, she agreed to move this way so that SS would go to school here. She said that just to end mediation, and then it never happened because she lied.

My DH was in temporary year-long contracts for several years (typical for his are) before finally landing a permanent position here, which is the first stable employment he has ever had. Before, he was moving across the country every year to a different place and it was a nightmare.

He’s settled here, has his whole life here. Meanwhile the mother has been hopping from job to job and works part-time (earning less than 16k after tax and on UC). Which is fine, but if one of them was going to move, and one of them previously agreed to, then 🤷‍♀️ It’s complicated!

If he moved, he’d also be living in a deprived area because he wouldn’t be able to afford rent in a nice area on his salary up there. He wouldn’t have a job, he doesn’t have the money to retrain, particularly now after the court case obliterated his finances. He’d have his son a few extra nights, sure, but that kid is still deep in neglect half of the time. During the week, he’s at school 8-6:30 at after school club, so thankfully the influence of this neglect is limited as much as possible.

I wish more posters would actually read this post and realise both how high the bar is for non-resident parents getting primary custody, and how hard it is to see a child you love living with a shitty parent.

Unfortunately OP, this is your scenario and it’ll almost certainly stay this way until your SC is 11-ish and can make up his own mind (and then he’ll still be swayed by loyalty bonds, his sibling, his friends and his “freedom” at his mum’s).

It’s great that you're near your support system. Don’t leave.

Make sure you’re clear with your husband on what support he needs to provide to your baby, both when SC is there and when he’s not. All too often part-time dads are used to part-time parenting, and used to focusing 100% on the SC when they’re around.

Good luck.

But even if he has his kid 50:50 he would still feel guilt about the time he was spending being neglected at his mothers and probably still would have lost the custody battle if he didn’t live close enough to his sons school? Also, you don’t know that the mom didn’t move from the area after getting pregnant, it’s unlikely they struck up a relationship when living 2.5 hours apart so somebody probably moved.

Youve had the court case, that’s over and done with, so unless something new comes to light, the status quo isn’t going to change in the near future.
So it more about thinking what else can he do to support his son.
Id say he needs to establish a relationship with the school, so that he gets letters, reports and knows what is going on there. He should ask them to ensure that they know to contact him if there are any issues or concerns, and try to be available for any performances.
You say you think that part of the mum’s insistence that he stays with her during the school week is about money. Presumably she’s aware that the CMS might reduce once he has another child?
He has another sibling that he lives with, are there concerns around that child too? Does SS talk about them? Is part of the issue that the mum wants to keep them together?
I suspect this isn’t the end of the line yet, but I’m sure DH will be keeping a very close eye on his sons safety, and it might be prudent to teach SS what to do if he is left alone/ found wandering again. Does he have a phone? Does he know Dads number off by heart? Are there neighbours whose door it is safe for him to knock on, or relatives that live in the area that he can call on if he needs to?
Im sorry he’s in this situation, it must be very worrying.