To explain or not explain to co-parent?

[rebeccafn]

Hi all,

Long story short - my husband and his co parent don't have a great relationship. Since we've been together I have tried to get involved with his comunication and actions to hopefully better the dynamic (I was naive and thought we would be a happy blended family!) but I have since admitted defeat with this.

Co-parent is high conflict and his children tell him what she has said about him , (e.g. basically just that he is a bad dad) and there seems to be some alienation perhaps going on. I may make another thread about this to seek advice as I can hand on heart say, as someone who decided not to have a relationship with my biological father, my husband really isn't a bad dad at all!

Husaband has had a weekend swap request for this coming weekend which wouldn't be his weekend as co parent has a party to go to. When this has occured before and they say they will drop off and pick up the drop off is usually an hour before agreed drop off and pickup is at least an hour after agreed pickup, (if husband drops off she just wont be there). We do already have plans that involce other people but normally I would say lets try change so she see's that you're really trying but it does nothing for their relationship, his future requests, there is never even a 'thank you' and he's getting a bit sick of it.

Anyway, my question is, does he just respond with, 'that doesn't work for me, sorry' or is it worth explaining with something like, 'Over the last few years I have been changing plans when things like this come up in the hopes it benefits our dynamic but it hasn't etc etc.....' again, with the hope that it could bring some potential benefits?!

Thanks in advance :)

Unless there's a specific reason why an earlier pick up/later drop off is a problem (eg social plans etc), I'm not sure that's enough of a reason to be upset.

I'd say, "happy to have DC on that weekend but we won't be home until xx on Saturday so you can't drop them before that and we'll need to drop them atyours by xxpm on Sunday as we have a show booked"

Thank you for responding!

He's tried that before and she's been sat at ours waiting for us to get back/before we have finished with a visitor at ours and then not at hers when he goes to drop off so is sat waiting for x amount of time!

I get it's irritating if she doesn't stick to the agreement, but I don't really understand - if she's sat waiting at yours when you're not there, that's not your problem. If she comes eary and you have people over.... well, parents have people over while they also have their kids all the time surely it's not the end of the world?

More irritaitng if you've agreed a time and she's not there when you drop them off, and yes, I'd find that frustrating. In which case yes, perhaps stick with her colelcting them so that at least you're at home doing your thing.

is the issue that she asks for a longer time in the first place and then you don't agree so she tries to force it?

how often does your DH see his children usually?

Apologies I've probably been too vauge - it's not just the timings of things, it's the entire dynamic between them and the children that causes the frustration! I am hoping to find some sllight solution to hopefully make it even slightly better to hopefully benefit both of them and the kids!

I don't think she tries to force longer time - I have not witnessed this.

He has them every other weekend Fri-Mon and two midweek nights week A and three midweek nights week B (if that makes sense!).

are the plans changed on both sides? I.e does your husband frequently ask to swap? If so I’d be careful rocking the boat, if he doesn’t I’d simply say, sorry that doesn’t work for us on this occasion. I wouldn’t give her an explanation either.

Husband will swap very rarely typically for that very reason and if he does ever need to 99% of the time his parents will have the kids!

Given what you've said, it's better he says "sorry that won't work for me" and dispense with explanation. Either way she will be making comments to the kids, she doesn't pay attention to the explanation or request so just don't engage.
If you provide too much of an explanation then it becomes a negotiation too. So just "sorry no" and end of story

Does it bother your husband, or you?

Let her drop them off an hour early - I assume he wants extra time with his kids? Then drop them back 3hrs late to inconvenience her/keep her wondering?
Or, if he knows this is going to happen (and it bothers you) he could be available an hour before to receive them, tell his ex - who mostly has the kids to have a great night - and that he will keep them for the night so she gets a lie in?

I think he would honestly love to be able to say ‘yes of course have a great time etc will bring you a coffee in the morning’ but it just isn’t their relationship unfortunately - I have suggested to try this before but it does nothing! I am just hoping to find a way for them to better their relationship for each other the kids but I am out of ideas now really. I feel life would be so much easier if they could be amicable but I also may be too naive!

This is the advice he has been given but I just think it’s such a shame for all involved! Thank you!

he sees her regularly and she gives him
right of first refusal when she needs childcare, this is not parental alienation

He is her only option for child care! This isn’t what we think is alienation, I have said I would potentially do a separate post about that - this is just whether this particular incident is enough to discuss current dynamics! Thank you though!