It's hurts me to see him hurting

[ABJ91]

First ever time posting in a forum so hopefully this is right. I'm a childless step parent who has been with my partner for nearly 8 years (I'm 34, he's 39). He has two children, a son aged 13 and a daughter aged 16. My relationship, up to this point, with the kids has been pretty good, however lately, I'm starting to struggle.

Their mother remarried a much older man with a lot of money. It has therefore now become very common for her to text the children when it's our time to have them offering to buy them things if they go back there. My partner tells them it's OK to go if they want, so they don't miss out or feel trapped to stay. Being teenagers, they are drawn by the flashy things, well, mainly the daughter, but each time they leave, I can see it's hurting him. We live comfortably, but have nowhere near as much money as they have, nor do we want the kids to be reliant on being bought.

The extra sting is they run straight to my partner when their mum is acting unreasonable. For example, she regularly gets drunk most weekends leaving the pair to look after their much younger sibling (with her new partner), although it's mainly now just the boy as her new drinking buddy has become the 16yr old daughter.

I want to support my partner as I can see how hard it is for him, but at the same time, I'm struggling to cope with it myself. My mental health isn't great and I'm barely surviving on my own day to day, let alone staying strong for him. I also find myself getting so angry at the kids as I just see them using their dad when it's convenient and then causing him so much upset (I know this is nuts, they are teenagers).

His ex only texts because she wants something or to have a go at him about something.

Basically she's grating on me, the kids are selfish, and I just want to put a big protective around my partner to shield him from it all.

Anyone else experienced anything like this and if so, how did you cope?

And, your empathy for the kids is where?

And , your empathy for the op and her husband is where?

He's a big boy, he doesn't need protecting. I'd take a back seat OP it's for him to deal with. Vilifying the dc and their mother doesn't actually help him in any way

Just keep being there. Ignore the ex.

I know just that feeling OP. You can’t protect him unfortunately . You can talk about what’s going on and help him find ways of dealing with it. Counselling could help.

Leave him to it. You can’t change him being the sort of parent he is. So you have to leave him to it.

My husbands ex is from a wealthy family and she did the same. Everytime DH planned something, she’d offer something better and more extravagant. For example, he’d plan a weekend away to go and stay with friends in the UK with the kids, so she’d book a long weekend in Monaco at the same time and get them to pick. He bought a family dog, so she bought their daughter a horse. He’d give his son driving lessons, so she bought him a car on the condition that he only had lessons in that. We planned a meal for Father’s Day, so she booked a week away to Barbados so they couldn’t come. He gave his eldest his treasured watch, so she bought him a more expensive one. You can’t and shouldn’t compete with that. One day they’ll be adults and hopefully see through what is/has happened. There isn’t much you can do but remain stable and consistent.

In the absence of a better available emoji I put a heart on this, not because I love it but because I want to show empathy. What an absolutely horrible person she is. Why would someone do that to their kids' father (and to their kids)? It would be in everyone's best interest to foster the relationship, not make it a tacky competition. It's just so sad

Did you want to have children yourself?

His XW needs to save her money - if she's getting pissed with her 16-year-old daughter then her new partner may well decide that isn't what he wants.

Kids are selfish, they don’t think about other peoples feelings in situations and if they’re being offered XYZ at their mums they’re going to want it.

Let them. They’re not doing it to be mean to you or your DP. It doesn’t mean they don’t love your husband. It just means kids are fickle and easily bought.

Give them a few years and they’ll appreciate the relationships in their life more and will want to spend time with you because they want to not because you have to bribe them.

Let go of what you can’t control.

Prioritise your own mental health and financial independence.
You don't need to be strong for your boyfriend.
Is he not resident parent, to prevent the children drinking alcohol?

It's hard OP but you have to try to separate the DSC from the shitty dynamic their DM has created. None of it is their fault and, though they might not realise it yet, they are being just as damaged by it as your DP.

What you need is external support for yourself to deal with the feelings watching someone you love being hurt and treated badly will inevitably provoke. That could be your own family/friends or maybe a counsellor but you need a place to offload away from DP and DSC. I found that was the best way to be a calm, considered support to my DH instead of being pulled into all the toxicity myself out of anger on his behalf.

It's completely understandable that you feel the way you do, being a step parent can be bloody hard so it's really important that you look after yourself as well as being there for DP. I sort of had to detach myself from the emotional rollercoaster to some extent and try to see things from a slightly more objective perspective or I would never have coped. I actually think it helped me support DH better that I was slightly detached and less emotionally involved in it all.

Great advice from @Oscarwinningtears

What does your DH say about all this? Is he biding his time? Presumably he’s worried about his DD drinking?

Thank you all for your words. It is hard to watch and he's genuinely such a nice guy, he will take the hits just so the kids are happy and not caught in any drama.

I have considered therapy for myself as I think having a clear head myself would defo help me help him.

I know the kids are not to blame in all this. Of course, as a 16yr old you would take the gifts and money. I actually feel really sorry for them, that they have a mother who needs to buy their affection.

He is worried about her drinking. We have had conversations about it and he has spoken to his ex who basically told him to mind his own business and what she does in her house is her business. We just teach DD that alcohol doesn't solve any problems and to be responsible. In fairness, she does seem to be, but we don't want her to think that when she has a problem, she turns to booze.

As for the ex's new partner, he's gets just as drunk by all accounts :(

I will be a supportive partner to him, but ultimately, those of you who say it's for him to manage are right.

My young dc were swayed by all that glitters in the tech world.. At 7 ds had a phone, tablet and ipad.. Which were shoved in a cupboard at my house...
At 12 and 14 they came full time declaring they needed an actual parent..
They will get the measure of him in time.
Be patient.

so sad. I see a lot of this. It's heartbreaking.

I think you just have to keep doing what your family does and accept that they do what they want. Hopefully the kids will grow up and figure it out but in the meantime there's nothing you can do to stop the Ex and her behaviour and it will just eat you up!