Meeting partners children - advice please!

NewToThisOne · 2025-08-21T20:05:35+00:00

I’m looking for some advice. I’m not even sure this is the right topic to ask in! For the first time in my life, I’m dating someone with children who are 9 and 10. I’ve raised my own three children to adulthood, I’ve been mostly single for the last five years, just a bit of dating. But in 10 days time, I’m gonna meet my partner’s children. I’m going to meet them at the weekend with their mum at mutual request. We’re going to a theme park the following weekend and I just wondered if there were any things that I should avoid doing or saying!! I’m hoping it will come naturally, but I’m actually quite nervous!! I’m quite outgoing and everyone says I’m fun and I just seem to get on with everyone but this feels very different!! They are very keen to meet me and their mum is happy for this to happen as long as she gets to meet me first, which is fine. They actually said there is no need for her to do that, but I’m happy to do whatever she feels comfortable with.

BlindNoise · 21/08/2025 21:10

Personally I would turn around and walk away. Just my personal experience from the worst 10 years of my life with step children and an ex.
good luck and sorry not to have a more positive spin on it.

Original poster

NewToThisOne · 21/08/2025 21:13

Well considering my ex-husband of 20 years took on my five-year-old daughter, I think it would be rather churlish of me to throw a relationship away purely because he has children.

I do not intend to be a major part of their life. They need to see their father on their own, but I don’t mind joining him for the fun stuff at the moment until things progress further.

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Springadorable · 21/08/2025 21:13

I'd just treat them like you would have your kids' friends at that age. Friendly, welcoming, but not over familiar.
And ignore the poster above with their ever so helpful comment 🙄

BlindNoise · 21/08/2025 21:15

Why should I be ignored? OP asked for opinions and have direct experience of exactly the same thing. Naive to the extreme to think you can have a relationship with a man with two pre teens and not be a major part of their life.

Springadorable · 21/08/2025 21:17

Hmm @op you are going to be a major part of their life. And they will certainly be a major part of yours as you aren't going to have freedom to move around the country or holiday as a couple whenever you like...

BlindNoise · 21/08/2025 21:20

It’s such a typical Mumsnet thing to expect everyone to say how wonderful it’s going to be and berate the poster with direct experience for saying the opposite.

Your friends kids won’t be living in the same home, won’t be jealous of your relationship with their dad, won’t have a mother dripping poison in their ears about you.

it’s a thankless and wholly unenjoyable task and if I lived a thousand lifetimes I’d never to it again.

Alltheyellowbirds · 21/08/2025 21:22

NewToThisOne · 21/08/2025 21:13

Well considering my ex-husband of 20 years took on my five-year-old daughter, I think it would be rather churlish of me to throw a relationship away purely because he has children.

I do not intend to be a major part of their life. They need to see their father on their own, but I don’t mind joining him for the fun stuff at the moment until things progress further.

You “don’t intend to be a major part of their life”?

His would that work then? Please don’t enter into a long-term relationship with a man with children unless you are interested in having a relationship with them too. It’s really, really shit to have a step-parent who doesn’t care about you.

Original poster

NewToThisOne · 21/08/2025 21:26

Sorry, my punctuation is off because I was trying to use voice text. I have massive problems with my hands and at this time of night is difficult to type. What I meant was we’ve been together less than 12 months we are both in our early 50s And I’m not gonna be a major part of their life at the moment because he’s been estranged from them as they haven’t been in this country for a while until relatively recently, so I think it’s very important that they build up that relationship. However, I’m certainly going to be involved in their life and going forward very much involved in it. I absolutely love children and I’m very open to having a partner with children in my life. My own other children are really interested in sharing this part of our lives as well when the time is right. I’ve just never had a partner with children and I don’t wanna mess it up!

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HelloHellNo · 21/08/2025 21:28

If you don't intend to be a major part of their lives then I wouldn't meet them. They don't need to meet all of daddies lady friends. They only need to meet the one that is going to be a major part in their lives.

I really don't see the need in the non resident parent bringing partners around their kids.

YourWinter · 21/08/2025 21:30

How long have you been a major part of their father’s life?

It’s not about joining them for the fun stuff, now or ever. It’s being kind and consistent through all the crap that’s far from fun, yet knowing where the boundary is when you’re not their parent and you’re very possibly going to be regularly and cruelly reminded of that.

Step-parenting can work and you’d hope it would bring nothing but positives to all your lives, but aiming to be around for the fun stuff doesn’t sound a very solid foundation.

HelloHellNo · 21/08/2025 21:32

If he's been estranged from his kids then he needs to build his relationship with them. He needs to be reliable and consistent. They don't need a random around. They need their dad to parent them alone.

swingingbytheseat · 21/08/2025 21:35

Enjoy, you sound fun and kind and I’m sure they’ll love you

Original poster

NewToThisOne · 21/08/2025 21:43

HelloHellNo · 21/08/2025 21:32

If he's been estranged from his kids then he needs to build his relationship with them. He needs to be reliable and consistent. They don't need a random around. They need their dad to parent them alone.

Please RTFT. I give up. I said exactly this

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Original poster

NewToThisOne · 21/08/2025 21:45

swingingbytheseat · 21/08/2025 21:35

Enjoy, you sound fun and kind and I’m sure they’ll love you

Thank you, although judging by the rest of the comments I’ve got all by one it feels like this may be sarcasm

My eldest child has been a step child and it wasn’t the easiest relationship with her stepfather although it’s great now, hence why I want to get it right. I feel like I know what to do but I thought I’d ask people that have actually done it.

Of course I’m not only gonna be there for the fun stuff, but at the moment I’m just gonna dip in and out on days out and things like that while they build up their relationship with their dad.

They have asked to meet me, which is where this all started

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BuddhaAtSea · 21/08/2025 21:52

Don’t try too hard.
Don’t ask what’s your favourite subject at school, ask who’s their best friend and what do they like doing together.
Allow them to be themselves, ask if they’ve had enough, or if they want more, but don’t push.
Ask for help with stuff: are you any good at opening bottles / cutting the cake.
Ask if you can join in the game: do you need an extra player?
Don’t let them interrupt you or get away with bad behaviour, just say no thank you or remove yourself from the situation, whatever you do, don’t try and parent them.

I’ve known DP’s DD for 9 years. I try and spend as little time as possible with her, but when I do, I’ve got her.

Candleabra · 21/08/2025 21:57

After the update about him bringing estranged until recently I really think this isn’t the right time to meet them. He shouldn’t even be suggesting this and instead should be focussed on bonding with his children again so they can trust him. Instead he wants to further distance himself by introducing another stranger to them. But a lot of men seem to be incapable of having a relationship with their kids without a woman to facilitate and do all the grunt work.

iirbRosb · 21/08/2025 22:01

Christ mumsnet is hard work and ready to jump on people!
Talk to them about what they like, be fun and let your partner deal with any issues or misbehaviour. Try to be yourself and enjoy it.

Original poster

NewToThisOne · 21/08/2025 22:07

Candleabra · 21/08/2025 21:57

After the update about him bringing estranged until recently I really think this isn’t the right time to meet them. He shouldn’t even be suggesting this and instead should be focussed on bonding with his children again so they can trust him. Instead he wants to further distance himself by introducing another stranger to them. But a lot of men seem to be incapable of having a relationship with their kids without a woman to facilitate and do all the grunt work.

HE Hasn’t suggested this. The children have Repeatedly, however, I have been too busy with work to be able to join them on any days out

They are going to a theme park next weekend and asked if I could go, which is where all this came from. Their mum is more than happy for me to go along as long as I meet her with them first, which is fair enough and I’m happy to do whatever she wants.

This is not what the post was about

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TerrysCIockworkOrange · 21/09/2025 22:32

BlindNoise · 21/08/2025 21:20

It’s such a typical Mumsnet thing to expect everyone to say how wonderful it’s going to be and berate the poster with direct experience for saying the opposite.

Your friends kids won’t be living in the same home, won’t be jealous of your relationship with their dad, won’t have a mother dripping poison in their ears about you.

it’s a thankless and wholly unenjoyable task and if I lived a thousand lifetimes I’d never to it again.

Your “Direct experience” is solely of whatever factors unique to you, your ex and your former relationship drove it to breakdown.
The fact you can’t see how unilaterally condemning the relationship of a perfect stranger on the internet, with whom you ONLY have in common that your partners had children, is both unhelpful AND utterly meaningless is really quite laughable.

Whistledown2 · 22/09/2025 04:00

Hi OP. I’ve RTFT.

To answer your actual question I’d say (as a former step parent) don’t parent at all. Be fun, but be prepared to take a back seat. I’d let them initiate the day too. Don’t see them as step children at that point, just enjoy being out with a couple of kids with no emotional attachment (yet). That said, be warm/friendly and kind. Hope all goes well.

BlindNoise · 23/09/2025 07:09

TerrysCIockworkOrange · 21/09/2025 22:32

Your “Direct experience” is solely of whatever factors unique to you, your ex and your former relationship drove it to breakdown.
The fact you can’t see how unilaterally condemning the relationship of a perfect stranger on the internet, with whom you ONLY have in common that your partners had children, is both unhelpful AND utterly meaningless is really quite laughable.

Show quote history

Do you see the complete irony of your words? I doubt it!

FightingInAVatOfJellyBabies · 23/09/2025 07:14

You have been together less than 12 months?

Stressfordays · 23/09/2025 07:23

Just be yourself is all I'd say. Treat them like you would a friend's child at first and let the bond build naturally.

ARichtGoodDram · 23/09/2025 07:36

Just be yourself.

Let them lead conversations. If you're going to ask questions then make them fun ones - my DDs are in their mid twenties but still remember that when they met DH and he asked them what their favourite dinosaur was.

Original poster

NewToThisOne · 23/09/2025 17:27

Thanks again everyone it’s going really well. I don’t see them lots but every week for a drop in to my house after school/work or some time at a weekend to do an activity. Their mum appreciates it as well and has confirmed they’re really happy and say they love spending time with me/love my home/ love my dog!

We’ve been together 7 months, they’re not toddlers, they requested to meet, I met them with their mum first and we took it from there.

thanks for the advice!

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