Adult step children awkward

Sproutncheese · 2025-08-20T14:55:04+00:00

Hi My partner and I have been together for ten years and lived together 5. I have two adult children who live with us and he has two much older adult children who have their own lives and properties. When we first met we were divorced and divorcing. My partners daughter has never wanted any involvement in our lives despite us showing her kindness and giving her time and support financially and trying to emotionally. She's caused a few upsets over the years by being awkward towards my partner and making our lives difficult despite having no reason apart from not wanting to allow her father to move on. My partner was going through divorce when we met and we bought a house together 5 years later. We have continually tried to speak to her about this but she continues to be cold and rude at times. She's expecting her first child soon which will lbe my partners first grandchild, I'm worried about her using it emotionally, which sounds awful but she's used this behaviour before. It's really getting me down as her attitude doesn't change. In ten years she's spoken to me twice and is often ivery difficult to communicate with and makes her father feel ill. We have tried for years but she will not say what is wrong or why she is so cold towards us. Any advice is very welcome. Thank you

Ponderingwindow · 20/08/2025 16:08

You are blaming the relationship itself, but you can’t be sure that is the actual problem. The father daughter relationship pre-dates your association. There may be years of issues that have built up. When a marriage is bad, it often isn’t just bad for the couple, but it damages the relationship between parent and child as well. The parent doing this damage can be oblivious to the harm.

seeing dad move on and treat other people well causes extra pain. It’s not about the new people themselves, it’s about the father and his behavior. All the while he is just stumbling around with no idea about the collateral damage.

or perhaps she is just mad he got a girlfriend. It could be that simple, no matter how unlikely.

CopperWhite · 20/08/2025 16:10

Maybe she just can’t deal with her dad having a partner for some reason and wants to maintain her relationship with him separately to you. It’s a shame she has difficulty accepting reality, but honestly, if she just sees her Dad without you around, it’s not the end of the world. To you it’s her being difficult, to her it’s just doing what she needs to do to maintain a relationship with her dad, and her father should be supportive of her either way. She’s not doing anything terrible by keeping her distance from a step parent. Many of us do it.

Original poster

Sproutncheese · 20/08/2025 16:31

Ponderingwindow · 20/08/2025 16:08

You are blaming the relationship itself, but you can’t be sure that is the actual problem. The father daughter relationship pre-dates your association. There may be years of issues that have built up. When a marriage is bad, it often isn’t just bad for the couple, but it damages the relationship between parent and child as well. The parent doing this damage can be oblivious to the harm.

seeing dad move on and treat other people well causes extra pain. It’s not about the new people themselves, it’s about the father and his behavior. All the while he is just stumbling around with no idea about the collateral damage.

or perhaps she is just mad he got a girlfriend. It could be that simple, no matter how unlikely.

Hi. Thanks so much for your help. I would love her to show more interest in her Dad as it would help him greatly.

OP posts:

Slimagain · 20/08/2025 16:32

Sorry can’t agree with above . If she’s an adult she needs to start behaving like one ! If her father panders to her selfish behaviour nothing will change ! He needs to tell her that you are a fixture ! Be civil or don’t have a relationship with me. Adult kids expecting to be treated like children are ridiculous. I am a step mother to 5 with 3 of my own. All adults now. The leeway we have them as teens did not last forever . Ultimately they need to get over themselves.. or not bother. We have a close relationship with 7/8. One never forgave father for getting remarried and still lives in hope he will return to mum after 18 years with me. Also tried to alienate the rest . Her loss. We have all just returned from a fab holiday with the 7/8 + dgc. She has 2 kids who I’m sure would of enjoyed a holiday in Croatia…

AquaFurball · 20/08/2025 16:37

How welcome is his daughter in the house with your adult children living there?

How much of an age difference is there between them and her?

Adult children can chose not to have a relationship with their parent if they wish. She doesn't need to have any relationship with you or your children. What effort does her father make to give her time alone to see him in his home?

Original poster

Sproutncheese · 20/08/2025 16:40

Slimagain · 20/08/2025 16:32

Sorry can’t agree with above . If she’s an adult she needs to start behaving like one ! If her father panders to her selfish behaviour nothing will change ! He needs to tell her that you are a fixture ! Be civil or don’t have a relationship with me. Adult kids expecting to be treated like children are ridiculous. I am a step mother to 5 with 3 of my own. All adults now. The leeway we have them as teens did not last forever . Ultimately they need to get over themselves.. or not bother. We have a close relationship with 7/8. One never forgave father for getting remarried and still lives in hope he will return to mum after 18 years with me. Also tried to alienate the rest . Her loss. We have all just returned from a fab holiday with the 7/8 + dgc. She has 2 kids who I’m sure would of enjoyed a holiday in Croatia…

Thanks for your reply. We have a good relationship with his son which is great and he gets on with my children too. I jam getting to that point as I just don't have the energy to put into it anymore. I recently finished 3: years of cancer treatment and we never once stopped trying to help her with anything she needed.

OP posts:

Vastimir · 20/08/2025 16:45

How old are your kids and why are they living with you if SC aren’t?

I suspect she saw her dad putting a load more time and energy into his SC than his own children and that’s made her mind up on what kind of father he is.

Just let it go, you can’t force her into a relationship she doesn’t want.

Original poster

Sproutncheese · 20/08/2025 16:47

AquaFurball · 20/08/2025 16:37

How welcome is his daughter in the house with your adult children living there?

How much of an age difference is there between them and her?

Adult children can chose not to have a relationship with their parent if they wish. She doesn't need to have any relationship with you or your children. What effort does her father make to give her time alone to see him in his home?

There is a 10 year gap. She's in her thirties. We have invited her over for the last 5 years and her father often asks her to come over when we're not in.
I'm also support if she doesn't want a relationship with me and my children. It's the emotional games and silence that are upsetting

OP posts:

Original poster

Sproutncheese · 20/08/2025 16:50

Vastimir · 20/08/2025 16:45

How old are your kids and why are they living with you if SC aren’t?

I suspect she saw her dad putting a load more time and energy into his SC than his own children and that’s made her mind up on what kind of father he is.

Just let it go, you can’t force her into a relationship she doesn’t want.

They have their own properties that we helped them with buying and they were given a lot of help throughout their lives with him.

OP posts:

OriginalUsername2 · 20/08/2025 16:51

I can imagine it would be hugely irritating for her. She doesn’t want all this “we” stuff. I’d find that very strange, it’s like being unwillingly “adopted” as an adult who doesn’t need it.

Linenpickle · 20/08/2025 17:06

Frankly I’d stop any support to her as she is acting like a bloody child.

wobblywibbly · 20/08/2025 19:20

I empathise with you. Similar situation with my husbands 2 daughters. I am extremely close to one of them, do a lot of childcare of her children and she is close to my DD. But his other daughter just does not want to know unless it’s for money or very last minute childcare. She is rude and unpleasant about me (despite the fact I met her dad many years after his divorce) but then wants me to babysit.

Over the past year I have refused to be involved although encourage my husband to have a relationship but now she’s angry about that, as feels unfair I do so much for her sister but not her.

GinsBond · 21/08/2025 12:51

OriginalUsername2 · 20/08/2025 16:51

I can imagine it would be hugely irritating for her. She doesn’t want all this “we” stuff. I’d find that very strange, it’s like being unwillingly “adopted” as an adult who doesn’t need it.

Edited

Totally agree with this.

She gets to make a decision as to who she wants a relationship with. She's not obliged at all. You also shouldn't try to police their relationship as it could make the situation worse.

It's between the dad and his DD to work it out. If he's not making the effort to strengthen their relationship and is just moping, that's on him. He's not a child for you to fix things for him.

I find this whole 'she needs to just be an adult and do as she's expected to avoid being rude' weird and patronising. She gets a choice the same as everyone else.

JenniferBooth · 25/08/2025 19:14

wobblywibbly · 20/08/2025 19:20

I empathise with you. Similar situation with my husbands 2 daughters. I am extremely close to one of them, do a lot of childcare of her children and she is close to my DD. But his other daughter just does not want to know unless it’s for money or very last minute childcare. She is rude and unpleasant about me (despite the fact I met her dad many years after his divorce) but then wants me to babysit.

Over the past year I have refused to be involved although encourage my husband to have a relationship but now she’s angry about that, as feels unfair I do so much for her sister but not her.

Im always stunned by ppl who are happy for those they despise to do childcare Very odd

Watch out for this one @Sproutncheese she will change her mind when she wants childcare

ThisCheeryZebra · 31/08/2025 16:52

Sorry to say but I'm exactly in the same situation. My partner has 2 adult daughters, one I have a very close relationship with, the other is rude and refuses to acknowledge me. She will only see her father at her mothers house (as she still lives at home) and only contacts him when she wants something. My partner is between a rock and hard place as he is so insecure about the relationship with this one, he worries if he says anything to her she'll have nothing to do with him at all. So I empathise with you but this situation is not uncommon. The way I've dealt with it is I've completely disengaged. There is clearly hurt that I didn't cause that pre dates my time with him (he was divorced 5 years before I met him) The mother is a HCBM and I can only imagine the girls were not shielded from her emotions when he left, and that has led a lasting impressions.

BreadInCaptivity · 31/08/2025 17:04

OP there is NOTHING you can do about this other to simply disengage from the situation.

From what you’ve posted she experiences no consequences for her behaviour and presumably your DH is unwilling to put any in place.

She is absolutely free as an adult to engage with other people (or not) as she sees fit.

But that applies to you as well.

Parents in this situation have an awful dilemma really. Put in some boundaries and risk the relationship (such as it is) deteriorating further, or maintain the status quo and “teach” their offspring that they can behave poorly towards them without any repercussions.

blueclip · 31/08/2025 17:13

Why did your partner and the stepdaughter’s mum break up? Presumably whatever went on there has bearing on her behaviour? I get that it was nothing to do with you, but it does seem to be the source of the problem. And presumably when he got together with you, that was the absolute crushing of any unrealistic hopes that she had of her parents getting back together?

If you want to solve it, you’ll have to get to the root of the problem. But I would just leave it well alone and stop expecting anything from her. If it’s been 10 years since any meaningful contact, it seems as though it’s permanent, sorry to say.

Bellyblueboy · 09/01/2026 17:39

Some people are just assholes OP. It seems unlikely after all this time that that will change.

it is sad for your husband, but not everyone gets to have a brilliant relationship with their children when they become adults. Who knows what is behind her behaviour - she may well have good reasons, but she might just be an asshole. She has had years to explain it. Time to move on.

Lamentingalways · 09/01/2026 17:47

I don’t see any way you can work this out to be honest. You’re getting older and eventually won’t want to go out so that she can visit her Dad. A 10 year relationship is long enough that she should have accepted she needs to be civil and polite to her Dad’s partner if there’s been no fall out (or anything we don’t know). It will be awful for you to not see your husbands Grandchild while he sees them surely? What does he think will happen? That he will have a Grandchild that he loves and who calls him Grandad and you’ll see them almost never and they won’t know who you are? Crazy. I think it’s time your husband told her that he won’t accept it any longer. She doesn’t need to love you or be your best friend but she does need to respect the relationship. You can’t be kept separate like this anymore, circumstances are changing, it will ruin your marriage eventually.

upstairsdownstairscardboardbox · 09/01/2026 17:53

My dads wife said all of this about us. He was a violent, aggressive man who bullied us all and then changed character when he met her, magically. We choose not to enlighten her, but do not assume he is blameless.

FuzzyWolf · 09/01/2026 17:54

She's caused a few upsets over the years by being awkward towards my partner and making our lives difficult despite having no reason apart from not wanting to allow her father to move on.

In ten years she's spoken to me twice and is often ivery difficult to communicate with and makes her father feel ill. We have tried for years but she will not say what is wrong or why she is so cold towards us.

Maybe the issue has nothing to do with no wanting her father to move on. Perhaps it predates your relationship. Why did his marriage end (not his version, but the one that takes into account both sides) and what would her perception of this have been?

Clarehandaust · 09/01/2026 17:58

Bellyblueboy · 09/01/2026 17:39

Some people are just assholes OP. It seems unlikely after all this time that that will change.

it is sad for your husband, but not everyone gets to have a brilliant relationship with their children when they become adults. Who knows what is behind her behaviour - she may well have good reasons, but she might just be an asshole. She has had years to explain it. Time to move on.

Why should she explain herself to anyone? People dont have to. Support and money flows down the generations and love is unconditional from parent to child not the other way around